Rocking Out/Transcript

Enough's Enough

 * Player: Bill, I have to ask you something about Rabid Jack.
 * Bill Teach: Quiet there, [lad/lass]! Don't say that sea-devil's name.
 * Player: I'll say it all I like, until I get an explanation as to who he is.
 * Bill Teach: Yer a hard one alright, [Player], but you'll not get that story out of me.
 * Player: Oh, come on! So far, I've run into his lackeys twice, and I get the feeling he'll keep coming back until I stop him! Can't you see that telling me might save lives?
 * Bill Teach: Aye, that I can, but 'tis not my place to tell ye.
 * Player: Who can I ask, then?
 * Bill Teach: The man that killed him – Young Ralph.
 * Player: Killed him? Can't you just tell me what I want to know?
 * Bill Teach: I want te [lad/lass], but we all- we all swore an oath not te tell anyone about This Albatross and That Butcher.
 * Player: Great. Well, will this Young Ralph be able to tell me what I need to know?
 * Bill Teach: Aye, he will. But ye'll have te get te him first.
 * Player: And is his location a secret too?
 * Bill Teach: No, no! He's had himself locked up protective-like in the Customs and Excise prison! 'Tis the big rock off the coast of Karamja. Ye can't miss it, even with a two-cannon broadside.
 * Player: Great! So, when are visiting hours?
 * Bill Teach: Quarter-past never, 'til half-past sometime. The only way to get into prison is fer piracy, and there ain't no way back.
 * Player: That's what they think! I have to get to the bottom of this, and if getting locked up is the only way to do it, then so be it.
 * Bill Teach: Aye [lad/lass], these be strange times, and I wish ye luck. Yer best bet is te go te the Office in Rimmington and see if ye can get yerself arrested there.
 * Player: Thanks. I'm sure, with my acting skills, I'll be able to get arrested in no time.
 * Bill Teach: Yer performance as a pirate is pretty criminal, I'll allow that.
 * Player: See! It'll be a doddle.


 * Player: So, can you at least hint at what is going on?
 * Bill Teach: I wish I could, but an oath is an oath. All I can say is yer better off goin' to the Rimmington Customs Office and trying te see Young Ralph there.

Some Useful Info

 * There is a note pinned here: Congratulations to the crew of The Saucy Wench. Last week, they successfully sank The Gnome's Promise, and carried out a boarding of the Reaver, off the coast of Port Khazard, although the latter managed to disengage. Drinks are on us, lads!


 * Customs officer: Hey! Nobody stores anything in there unless they are under arrest.

A Pirate Through and Through

 * Customs Sergeant: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
 * Player: Excuse me.
 * Customs Sergeant: This had better be important.
 * Player: I'm a mighty pirate.
 * Customs Sergeant: What?
 * Player: ...and I've come to be arrested.
 * The Customs Officer looks you up and down warily. 
 * Customs Sergeant: Well, well, a mighty pirate, eh? You certainly look the part.
 * Player: Well, of course!
 * Customs Sergeant: Okay then, [Mr/Mrs] 'mighty pirate', if you are a pirate, you'll no doubt have heard about how our forces boarded The Saucy Wench.
 * Player: Heard about it? I was there!
 * Player: Is this a trick? That ship was sunk!
 * Player: That's one of your ships!
 * Customs Sergeant: Okay, you got me! Well, if you know that, you must have served on The Reaver, right?
 * Player: Yes, that's right, I served on her.
 * Customs Sergeant: You ARE a pirate!
 * Player: That's what I keep telling you!
 * Customs Sergeant: I'm arresting you under Article 4 of Maritime Law! It's prison for you.
 * Player: Great!
 * Customs Sergeant: What?
 * Player: Errr. Great blistering barracudas! I've been caught.
 * Customs Sergeant: There'll be a promotion in this for me! Now, put all of your belongings into that locker as evidence. I can't transport you if you have anything that might help you escape. It will all go into the bank. We can ask the bankers to list all of the items they think are stolen, ready for your trial.
 * Player: Don't try and fool me...she sank.
 * Player: I'm a reaving corsair.
 * Player: I'm a plundering scallywag.


 * Player: That's the last of it.
 * Customs Sergeant: Let's see how chirpy you are when Heavy-Handed Harry has had a go at you. Now, let's put you in the cage where you belong, pirate.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Hahahahahahahaha! Your pirating days are over, scum! Nobody escapes from the Rock. Nobody escapes from Heavy-Handed Harry! Now, get in your cage, you animal.
 * Player: This one here?
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Yes, and double-time it, maggot.
 * Player: Err, alright.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: You turn my stomach, you filth. Let's see how long you last before the grinding prison life breaks you.
 * Customs Officer: Errr, boss, are you really going to put [him/her] in there?
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Of course! It's the tiniest cell in the building. They don't call me 'Heavy-Handed Harry' for nothing.
 * Customs Officer: But it's a little-
 * Customs Officer: Insecure?
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: What do you mean? Nobody can escape from the Rock.
 * Customs Officer: But there is a big hole-
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Who is in charge here?
 * Customs Officer: You are, boss.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: well, I run the tightest prison there ever was. No one escapes!
 * Customs Officer: Yes, boss, but the hole-
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: So what if there is a hole! The water around here is infested with sharks, crabs, mogres and those little fish that rip you something rotten! Besides, I'm in charge here and what I say goes! Hey, maggot!
 * Player: Who, me?
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: I ORDER you to not escape! If you escape, then I'll slap you in solitary faster than you can blink! Is that understood?
 * Player: Err, yes?
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: There, see, [he/she] knows who's in charge here.
 * Customs Officer: Have you been taking your pills, boss? I mean, I'm not implying anything, but the doctor did say-
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Stop undermining my authority!
 * Customs Officer: Okay, okay. Look, why don't you go up to your office and let me handle all of this?
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Ah, delegation: the key to success. Come on, let's get [his/her] paperwork done.
 * Customs Officer: Right, Harry.

The Perfect Plan

 * Player: Hey, you!
 * Player: Hey! Can't you hear me?
 * Player: Look, are you Young Ralph? I need to talk to you.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Stop wasting your breath! He's as deaf as a post.
 * Player: Deaf? How am I supposed to make him turn around? I'll have to find some way to make him look over at me. I'm sure my natural ingenuity will help me to make something out of the things at hand.


 * Player: I still need to find a way to attract his attention. Come on [Player], time to break out the old ingenuity.


 * The tin cup makes some noise, but not enough to make Ralph turn around.

Note to Self

 * Player: Hmm, I wonder if I can get some writing implements from the guard. At the very least I can get the items necessary to draw up some plans. Guard!
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: What do you want now?
 * Player: I want to write out a confession.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Hah! Broken already? Well, we'll get you all you need. There you go. Now, write fast – it may shave some time off your sentence.
 * Player: Yes, the mighty walls of this bastion are so escape-proof that I'd have no means to leave otherwise.


 * Player: No, I'll not confess! I'll die first.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: That's what they all say.
 * Player: I suppose I should write something.
 * Write a note to Ralph.
 * You scribble a little note onto the paper.
 * Write a serious confession.
 * You scribble a confession note onto the paper.
 * Write nothing.


 * Player: You'll not get anything from me!
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: We're already getting a lot of unwanted noise.


 * Player: I don't think there is anything else I can add to this.


 * Player: Here is my confession.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Hah! Toss it through the bars and I'll take a look, prisoner.
 * You toss the confession to Harry, who starts reading.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Mumble mumble mumble. What? You sick little monkey! I should have you flogged!
 * Player: That's what she said!
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Oh I feel ill. I should dump you in solitary for what you did, filth – but I don't want to touch you!
 * Harry screws up the confession and drops it in a slop bucket.


 * Player: Guard! I need more paper.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: You've used that lot up confessing already? Wow! Here, keep going.


 * You waive the item back and forth against the bars. Nothing interesting happens.

Noisy Neighbours

 * You listen carefully to the tapping.
 * Player: I think there is a prisoner in a lower cell trying to communicate with me. Now, I'm no expert on codes, but I'll give this a try.
 * You carefully tap out what you think is a message to the prisoner below.
 * Player: I wonder if they understood.
 * A furious tapping begins on the pipe! The whole thing shudders under the hammering blows of the other prisoner.
 * Player: Err, looks like my rudimentary tapping skills might have caused a faux-pas!
 * With one last flurry of blows the pipe vibrates clean off. You scoop up the pipe before the guard sees it.
 * Player: A piece of pipe would come in very handy, if I think about it.


 * You hear a hollow, distant tapping. What remains of the pipe will not shake loose.


 * Player: I can't get this open.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Oh dear, the hinges must be stuck. We'll get someone to look at that.
 * Player: Really?
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: No! Now stop rattling those bars or I'll come in there and rattle you!


 * Player: Hey, guard! I'm hungry.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Shut your whiny yap-hole, prisoner! You're disturbing my lunch.
 * Harry seems irritated, but you did not get your stew. Maybe you should try again.


 * Player: Hey, guard! Give me some of that stew.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: You'll get fed when I say you get fed and not before!
 * Harry seems a lot angrier, but you still did not get your stew. Maybe you should try again.


 * Player: I demand stew! Give me some food! This is cruel and unusual punishment.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: You want stew? Here, have some.
 * The guard tosses a bowl of stew in your face. The fish stew soaks into the cheap fabric of your prison top, making it reek of seafood.
 * Player: Gah! That's hot!
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Eat up, loudmouth. That's all you're going to get.

A Breath of Fresh Air

 * You find an old accordion.
 * Player: I wonder what I can do with this.


 * Player: I think I've got everything I need from that heap for now.


 * The accordion makes a sad clunking noise. No wonder it was thrown away.


 * A seagull flies down and begins pecking at the fishy shirt.
 * Player: Seagulls are noisy birds. I wonder if I could use it to disrupt the guard's picnic.


 * Player: I'd better not attract the guards, or they will see how I used the shirt to lure the seagull.


 * Player: I'm sure that rehearsing what I wrote on the note has some value but, since Ralph is deaf, I have no need to say it out loud. And why am I talking to this seagull?
 * If the seagull has any answers, it declines to share them with you.


 * You try to stun the seagull with the pip but it ducks away, cawing and snapping at you.


 * The seagull snaps its beak at you and threatens to fly away.

The Plan Comes Together

 * The cheap ink soaks into the paper, leaving you with a damp, inky, sticky wad.
 * Player: I'm sure that this sticky paper will come in handy. I wonder if there is anything I can use this bottle for.


 * Player: Hmmmm. The glass of this bottle is pretty think around the bottom, I wonder...
 * You smash the bottom of the bottle on the sharp rock.
 * Player: You know, I could fight my way to freedom with this broken bottle, or try something else. Something less stupid.


 * You carefully grind the broken bottle into the side of the accordion, until a neat hole can be seen through to the workings.
 * Player: While it ruins the instrument, I'm sure I can find a use for it.


 * The accordion was broken BEFORE you drilled a hole in it. You can barely coax a whistle from it now. On the plus side, at least it has stopped clunking.


 * You insert the pipe into the hole in the accordion. It is just too thin to sit flush with the edges.
 * Player: Hmmm, it doesn't seem to quite fit properly.


 * The sticky paper wad fills the gap nicely, although you do get ink all over your fingers putting it in place.
 * Player: Well, now I've made this, I can use it to...um... do something?


 * The accordion makes a whistling noise through the pipe, but it is distinctly tuneless. At least this time the pipe is more secure, thanks to the paper.


 * You point the pipe at the seagull as unobtrusively as a [man/woman] can aim a home-made vacuum pump.
 * Player: Steady...
 * The seagull eyes you curiously as you point the vacuum pump at it. It turns to fly away.
 * Player: Gotcha!
 * With a loud squawk the seagull is sucked into the pipe. The gull eyes you evilly, but appears firmly wedged into the pipe.
 * Player: Well, now that I have this seagull in a tube, I can use it to attract Young Ralph's attention.


 * If you try to play that, the seagull will be propelled out. Hilarious as that would no doubt be, you'd have to get another seagull, so it's not worth the effort.

Success!

 * Young Ralph: Aaaaaaaargh!
 * Young Ralph turns around.
 * Player: I love it when a plan comes together.

Sworn to Silence

 * Player: Can you hear me?
 * Young Ralph: Mumblemumblemumble!
 * Player: What was that? I can't hear you.
 * Young Ralph: I said 'No I can't! Ten years firing a cannon will do that to ye!'
 * Player: How did you hear that, then?
 * Young Ralph: I didn't. I read yer flappin' lips.
 * Player: So long as you can understand me.
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Stop shouting you two, or you're off to solitary. Both of you.
 * Player: Okay, okay.
 * You turn and mouth your words to Ralph so the guard cannot hear. He whispers back and you have to strain to hear him.
 * Young Ralph: Are ye gonna tell me why yer firing seagulls near my head?
 * Player: (Yes! I've been sent to find you. I have to ask you about... Rabid Jack.)
 * Young Ralph: You didn't say his name! Curse his hide t' the deeps and back.
 * Player: (You have to help me, Ralph! I have to know who he is, and Bill Teach told me you were the only person that could help.)
 * Young Ralph: I came here to forget 'Im, and here ye are. Have you the captains' marks?
 * Player: (The what?)
 * Young Ralph: When This Albatross was sunk right and true, the Cap'ins swore on Gentleman Mallard's compass that they'd never speak of this again, and charged me with keepin' the secret. None of them will tell ye, but they will let me tell ye if yer a pirate, right and true. They did give ye the marks, right?
 * Player: (No, all they did was tell me to come see you.)
 * Young Ralph: They likely thought I'd get soft in me old age and tell ye what happened without, but I remember the oath, and there's no way I can tell ye without the marks. Well, I'll tell ye the tale but ye'll need t' get the marks of the Cap'ins that were there that black day.
 * Player: (And who were they?)
 * Young Ralph: Cap'n Braindeath, Izzy No-Beard, Bill Teach, Brass Hand Harry and One-Eyed Hector.
 * Player: (I'm sorry, but Hector is dead.)
 * Young Ralph: 'Tis a shame. Is his boatswain, Frank, still alive?
 * Player: (Yes, he is.)
 * Young Ralph: He'll do. I knew him well enough to take his mark on this matter.
 * Player: (I've come such a long way. Will you not give me a hint as to who he is?)
 * Young Ralph: No. 'Tis a superstition amongst those that were there that even sayin' his name be an ill omen.
 * Player: (Right. Well, I'll get these marks and come right back.)
 * Young Ralph: Aye, I see ye've got the guest suite there. Best room in the house.


 * Young Ralph: Have ye the Cap'ns marks?
 * Player: (Not yet.)
 * Young Ralph: Aye, then ye'll have te wait te hear my tale.

Jailbird

 * If you jump off this pier, you will lose some items and swim to Karamja.
 * Dive
 * You make it back from the prison by swimming through the channel, although the effort leaves you breathless. 
 * You lose the items you were holding and wearing on the swim back to shore.
 * Don't dive

The Idol of Many Heads

 * Player: I've been to see Young Ralph, and now I need your mark.
 * Bill Teach: Okay [lad/lass], but before I can give it to ye, ye'll need t' do a little errand for me.
 * Player: What?
 * Bill Teach: 'Tis purely symbolic. To give ye my mark, I'll need ye to do a little task. Nothing too serious, mind.
 * Player: Okay, what do you want me to do?
 * Bill Teach: Simple: there is a pirate in port called 50 Ships Mufassah. He's almost as bad a pirate as you.
 * Player: Well, thanks.
 * Bill Teach: He's got an idol called the Idol of Many Heads, which is pretty much the only piece of treasure he hasn't lost, buried someplace obvious or sold fer 'rum'. If you bring it back to me, I'll give you my mark.
 * Player: Is that it?
 * Bill Teach: Aye, that's all. See, nothing t' get worked up over, just a little task to satisfy tradition.
 * Player: I suppose so.
 * Bill Teach: While yer collectin' our marks, ye'll need this.
 * Player: What is it?
 * Bill Teach: 'Tis a letter of introduction to Brass Hand Harry. He's a little old-fashioned and won't talk to anyone that ain't been vouched fer yet.


 * Bill Teach: How's the treasure-huntin'?
 * Player: Not too good. I have not spoken to Mufassah yet.
 * Bill Teach: Well he's not too hard te pin down. I hear he's moving slowly since he busted his leg.
 * Player: Well, how am I supposed to find a pirate with a gimpy leg? That's a terrifying needle-haystack scenario.
 * Bill Teach: He just broke it, ye lummox. He's on crutches!
 * Player: Well, that will make it easier to track him down.
 * Bill Teach: Fer most people, aye.

Sign Me Up!

 * Player: Are you 50 Ships Mufassah?
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Look, I don't have time to get mocked by some wet-behind-the-ears-
 * Player: I'm not here to mock you. I merely wanted to meet the man who owns the Idol of Many Heads. It's a real honour!
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Really?
 * Player: Yeah! I mean, you are him, aren't you?
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Yes I am!
 * Player: Wow! I'd love to see this idol of yours.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: That's not really possible, you see, as only a member of my crew would be allowed to see it, anyway. Will you swear to join my crew, stranger?
 * Player: Yes! Where do I sign up?
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Oh, I'll take that as an oath. Welcome aboard!
 * Player: Huzzah! Now, about that idol.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Well, I'm afraid you can't see it unless you can hold your breath for a very long time.
 * Player: What do you mean?
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: There is a reason that nobody has ever stolen that last great treasure from me. It was on a ship I accidently scuttled in a 'rum'-and-lobster-related accident of hilarious proportions.
 * Player: What?
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Well, anyway, it's still down there off the North-east coast of Dragontooth Island, still chained to a mooring post. Anyway, down to business. First, I need you to-
 * Player: Sorry, Captain, I have to go ash my hair.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Awww.
 * Player: No, thanks.


 * 50 Ships Mufassah: OH, so you're back then. Well, now I need you to scrub the deck of my latest acquisition.
 * Player: Sorry, but I can't scrub anything for you.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: What? What kind of useless excuse do you have for this?
 * Player: My entire family was wiped out by a bloodthirsty pack of scrubbing brush-themed bandits. I can't even look at a scrubbing brush without having terrible flashbacks. The bristles! The bristles!
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: How ignorant of me! Very well, you can work on the bilges.
 * Player: I can't.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Why not?
 * Player: My entire ADOPTED family was sucked into a bilge pump and killed.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: What?
 * Player: It's true! It was a very big, very lethal bilge pump.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: I think I'm being taken for a ride here.
 * Player: Would I lie to you?
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: I get the feeling you would.

Swapping Treasures

 * Player: I know where the Idol of Many Heads is!
 * Bill Teach: Where?
 * Player: Right here in my hands!
 * Bill Teach: See, nice and simple! Here is my mark, [Player], and I wish ye luck with this little endeavour.
 * Player: Thanks, Bill. I appreciate that.


 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Oh, good! You're just in time to help swab the-
 * Player: Sorry, I have a swab allergy.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Or is it a work allergy?
 * Player: Hey! I work hard. It's not my fault you happen to keep assigning me tasks I can't complete on medical and/or emotional grounds.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Load the cannons!
 * Player: I have cannonio-loadio-phobia.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Repair the sails!
 * Player: I faint if I see needles.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Trim the rigging!
 * Player: With my bad back?
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Man the rudder!
 * Player: My doctor says I can't, after the last time.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Arrange the mess!
 * Player: My kitten was killed by a giant rabid mess when I was a child, you monster!
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Stand still on deck and look attentive!
 * Player: I have too many things to do.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: It's a pity none of them have anything to do with being part of my crew.
 * Player: Hey! You asked me to join and I joined. If you had a nice, easy, well-paying job I could do.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: If you keep this up, I'm going to find the worst, the filthiest, most foul job on the ship I can think of. You'll rue the day you slacked off on 50-Ships Mufassah's watch, [Player].
 * Player: I'm sure I will. I'd best tighten my laces now to prevent excess boot-trembling.

I need a Hand

 * Player: Harry, I have a letter of introduction from Bill Teach.
 * Brass Hand Harry: Hmmm, let me see that.
 * Harry reads the letter and then slides it into his jacket.
 * Brass Hand Harry: Mr. Teach says you are a good pirate, [Player], and a friend of Mr. Teach is a friend of mine.
 * Player: I need to get your mark.
 * Brass Hand Harry: My mark? Then I take it that the rumour I heard about 'rum' interruption was true?
 * Player: I'm not sure what you heard, but I am confident that Rabid Jack is behind it.
 * Brass Hand Harry: Listen, [Player]: a word of advice. If you say that name around me again, I'll have you stuffed down a cannon and fired at a brick wall!
 * Player: Okay, I'm sorry!
 * Brass Hand Harry: Well, regardless, I can't really help you, as I can't sign anything with this hand. I would normally just print my palm on a piece of paper, but Smith is behind on spares and I don't want to ruin this one. How handy are you with a hammer?
 * Player: Well, I am pretty good at Smithing. Why do you ask?
 * Brass Hand Harry: Well, I have a handful of old hands that you can cobble together into a spare. Then you can use that to make my mark. There you go. They should come apart quite easily. You will need a hammer and 2 rolls of bronze wire to put it back together again.

Helpful Hand

 * Player: Here is the hand, Harry.
 * Brass Hand Harry: That was quick. Here is the ink pad and paper I generally use.


 * You press the hand into the ink pad. You make the mark of a brass hand on the paper. While you can use it now, it's only polite to show it to Harry first.


 * Player: Here is the mark I made, Harry.
 * Brass Hand Harry: Hmmm. Let me take a look at that.
 * Harry peers at the mark.
 * Brass Hand Harry: That'll do, [Player]. Young Ralph will certainly take that as my mark. I wish you well on getting it to him.
 * Player: Thank you.

A Gesture of Trust

 * Captain Braindeath: Come back fer more 'rum', eh?
 * Player: No, I'm here about Rabid Jack.
 * Captain Braindeath: Don't say the name!
 * Player: I've come for your mark to take to Young Ralph. Will you let me have it?
 * Captain Braindeath: Of course, [lad/lass].
 * Player: Great!
 * Captain Braindeath: But ye'll have te do somethin' fer me first.
 * Player: Oh, for crying out loud!
 * Captain Braindeath: Hey! 'Tis the law of the sea that a Cap'n can't give his mark t'someone they don't trust 100%. If it were anything else ye wanted, I might make ye go all over the world and back fer me.
 * Player: I'm sorry. It's just that this is a lot of effort when all I'm trying to do is help.
 * Captain Braindeath: I know ye are. Well, all ye've gotta do is get the barman in the Rusty Anchor te sell my 'rum' and ye'll have my mark.
 * Player: That doesn't sound too hard.
 * Captain Braindeath: Aye. 'Cept he said he'd rather eat a sack o' gravel than stock my stuff. But yer a clever one. Ye'll find a way te make him think there is a demand fer the stuff.
 * Player: Great.
 * Captain Braindeath: This'll need some sneakin' and I got a big bag of disguises ye can use. I'm sure they'll come in handy on a sneaky mission like this.
 * Player: Err, sure.


 * Captain Braindeath: Have ye been to see the barman again?
 * Player: Not just yet.
 * Captain Braindeath: Well, take yer time. Ye'll need te think of a cunnin' plan te get that stubborn old mule te pay up.

How About No

 * Player: Okay, I'll just flat-out ask for some 'rum'. That might make him think there's a demand for it.
 * Bartender: Hello there! What can I get you today?
 * Player: I'll have a shot of Braindeath's finest 'rum' please!
 * The bar goes dead silent.
 * Bartender: I'm sorry, what did you say?
 * Player: Err. I'll have a shot of Braindeath's finest 'rum', please? Although, I'd settle for you not looking at me like you're going to kill me.
 * Bartender: Did that scraggly waste of skin put you up to this?
 * Player: No! I just like the stuff. Honestly!
 * Bartender: You LIKE that drain-cleaner?
 * Player: Well, yeah.
 * Bartender: It takes all sorts, I suppose. Anyway, we don't sell that stuff here.
 * Player: That's dashed inconvenient. Could you order some in for me?
 * Bartender: At the prices that bug-eyed vulture charges? Not just for you!
 * Player: Oh, alright.
 * Bartender: If a few other people wanted it, I'd buy some in, but not just for one person.
 * Player: How many people would need to ask?
 * Bartender: Five would do it.
 * Player: Oh, really...

Thass Very kind o' You

 * Player: Excuse me, sir. Do you have any Braindeath 'rum' today?
 * Bartender: Are you joking? I'd have to be totally drunk to fall for that pathetic disguise!
 * Player: Drat!
 * Bartender: Nice try, though.
 * Player: I suppose I should take this off before I try to trick him again. Oh, well.
 * Player: I'll have a drink – and you have one too!
 * You are wearing one of Captain Braindeath's silly disguises. Take it off and then talk to the barman.
 * Player: Excuse me, sir. Do you have any Braindeath 'rum' today?


 * Player: I'll have a drink... and you have one too!
 * Bartender: That's very kind of you. Cheers!
 * The barman helps himself to a generous serving of beer.


 * Player: I'll have a drink... and you have one too!
 * Bartender: Thass very kind of you. Cheers!
 * The barman helps himself to a generous serving of beer.


 * Player: I'll have a drink... and you have one too!
 * Bartender: Thass very kind of you. Cheersh!
 * The barman helps himself to a generous serving of beer.


 * Player: I'll have a drink... and you have one too!
 * Bartender: Thass very *hic* kind of you. Cheersh!
 * The barman helps himself to a generous serving of beer.


 * Player: I'll have a drink... and you have one too!
 * Bartender: Thatss verrrry *hic* kind of you. Cheersh!
 * The barman helps himself to a generous serving of beer.


 * Player: I'll have a drink... and you have one too!
 * Bartender: I can' have another. I'm a lil'...tired. Why, I alms't din' recognise you there!
 * Player: Oh, okay. Well, you stay right there until you feel better.
 * Bartender: Shure. I must have a cold or something, 'cos I feel very unsteady.

Quick-Change Artist

 * Player: 'Ello, guvn'r, you got ant Braindeath 'rum'?
 * Bartender: What? Braindeath 'rum'? No, we don't. Sorry, I didn't think there was much demand.
 * Player: Cor blimey, that's all sixes and sevens, and no mistake. I'll come back later to see if you've got some in, then.


 * Player: G'day mate. I'm looking fer the old Braindeath 'rum'.
 * Bartender: What? Braindeath 'rum'? No, we don't. Sorry, I didn't think there was much demand.
 * Player: Stone the crows! I'll have to pop in later to see if you've got any then, mate.


 * Player: Excuse me, dear sir. Would you be having have any Braindeath 'rum' today?
 * Bartender: What? Braindeath 'rum'? No, we don't. Sorry, I didn't think there was much demand.
 * Player: Well, now you are knowing. I will be coming back later, when you might have some in.


 * Player: I say, old chap. I feel like a spot of Braindeath 'rum'. Do you have any?
 * Bartender: What? Braindeath 'rum'? No, we don't. Sorry, I didn't think there was much demand.
 * Player: Good show! I'll finish my constitutional and come back to see if you have some later.


 * Player: Excuse me, sir. Do you have any Braindeath 'rum' today?
 * Bartender: What? Braindeath 'rum'? No, we don't. Sorry, I didn't think there was much demand.
 * Player: Well, now you know better. I'll return later to see if you've stocked up.


 * Bartender: Oooh my head. I never realised that there was such a call for that swill.
 * Player: Is there enough demand for you to get some in?
 * Bartender: Yeah, although I'll need to see the [man/woman] who asked me first, as I owe them an apology. Oh, I need something to wake up...
 * Player: I think that's my cue to leave and get changed.

Change of Heart

 * Player: Hey, there. Have you got any-
 * Bartender: 'rum'? No, not right now, but maybe you can solve that.
 * Player: How do you mean?
 * Bartender: I've got a note here for Captain Braindeath, if you can find him. I want to stock that dog-dribble he sells. Who'd have thought there were so many people around here without a sense of taste or danger.
 * Player: Sure, I'll take a note to him.
 * Bartender: There is 20 gold in it for you, if you hurry.
 * Player: With such fabulous wealth on offer, you won't see me for dust.

Special Order

 * Player: I managed to convince him of the demand, and he made an order for some of your 'rum'.
 * Captain Braindeath: I knew ye'd be able t' do it! Let's see his order, then.
 * Player: Here it is.
 * Captain Braindeath: And here's my mark.
 * Player: Thanks. I assure you I'll do everything in my power to solve this mystery, Captain.
 * Captain Braindeath: Aye. If anyone can do this, I think it'll be you, [lad/lass].


 * Captain Braindeath: So, how goes it, [Player]?
 * Player: It goes well. I'm just getting to the bottom of this mystery.
 * Captain Braindeath: Arr, 'tis a sad tale indeed.
 * Player: Really? Which parts are the saddest?
 * Captain Braindeath: De I look that easy te trick, [Player]?
 * Player: Not really.

Marketing Peak

 * Bartender: Have you taken that order to Braindeath yet?
 * Player: Yes.
 * Bartender: That's great! Here's the gold I promised you.
 * Player: Err, thanks.
 * Bartender: Well, I'm sure that swill will be arriving soon, if you want to kill yourself with it.
 * Player: That's okay.
 * Bartender: Oh no, I insist.
 * Player: Gulp!


 * Player: How's things?
 * Bartender: Not good! The demand for Braindeath's drain-scouring solution has dropped completely off.
 * Player: Wow! It must have been one of those marketing peaks you hear about.
 * Bartender: Whatever it is, I'm now in a 10-year contract to stock that old jackal's noxious swill. You wouldn't want some, would you?
 * Player: Oh, okay.
 * Bartender: Thanks! I know it's wrong to take advantage of your crippling addiction to this dangerous substance, but I have a bar to run.
 * Player: How community-minded of you.
 * Player: Sorry. Not right now.


 * Captain Braindeath: So, how goes it, [Player]?
 * Player: It goes well. I've even collected the tiny reward the barman promised for my services.
 * Captain Braindeath: 'Tis good to see ye turnin' a profit fer all yer work.
 * Player: Now, if only it had been more than 20 gold.

Source?

 * Player: Frank, did Hector ever tell you anything about...Rabid Jack?
 * Redbeard Frank: How do you know that name?
 * Player: I'll take that as a yes. I need to get your mark to take to Young Ralph. Can I have it?
 * Redbeard Frank: Hector told me that a day would come when his mark was needed on this matter. Now he's dead, I suppose I could mark in his place.
 * Player: I already told Young Ralph that Hector was dead, and he agreed to take your mark.
 * Redbeard Frank: Well, that's good and all, but the thing is-
 * Player: What?
 * Redbeard Frank: Well, I don't really think I can just hand over my mark without more proof.
 * Player: More proof! He ordered the attack on Harmony Monastery! Wait a second... If I get you a letter from the head of the terrorised monks, would that be enough?
 * Redbeard Frank: I'd have to see it myself, but I suppose so.
 * Player: Okay, wait right here.


 * Redbeard Frank: How's that letter coming?
 * Player: I'll have it for you in a moment.

I Must Not Tell Lies

 * Player: Brother Tranquility! I have a favour to ask.
 * Brother Tranquility: Really? Well, I'll be glad to help repay your good works.
 * Player: I need you to write a letter to a friend about what happened. You see, I am going to find out who this Rabid Jack person is and they need more proof that he was behind it.
 * Brother Tranquility: Well, I can write you a letter, but I cannot tell a lie and say that I saw Rabid Jack, or even that he was definitely behind it.
 * Player: What?
 * Brother Tranquility: Well, it's the truth! Not only did I never see Rabid Jack in person, but I only heard his name briefly mentioned in connection to the whole affair. You wouldn't ask me to lie, would you [Player]?
 * Player: No, of course not. I just hope that will be enough proof for him.
 * Brother Tranquility: Here you go.
 * Player: Thanks.


 * Brother Tranquility: Was that letter any use?
 * Player: I still have to deliver it. Fingers crossed!
 * Brother Tranquility: Saradomin guide your steps, [Player].

Dubious Credibility

 * Player: Frank! Here's the letter.
 * Redbeard Frank: This certainly makes for an interesting reading, but-
 * Player: I hate those buts and I cannot lie...
 * Redbeard Frank: This Tranquility fella says that he did not see...him...with his own eyes. I'm sorry, [Player], but I need better proof than this.
 * Player: Well, what sort of proof do you want? I mean, this person seems to have left very few traces. Only me, Tranquility and Captain Donnie- Wait a sec, a plan occurs to me! How about this: if I were to get you proof from one of his captains, would that work?
 * Redbeard Frank: If you could do that, then I'd be a firm believer.
 * Player: Right, I'll be aback with proof in a moment.
 * Redbeard Frank: How do you plan to get this proof?
 * Player: I have a cunning plan involving a pirate costume, a drunken zombie and a side order of sneaky shenanigans!
 * Redbeard Frank: Sounds like fun. I'll let you be off, then!

Plan B

 * Player: Arr, Cap'n! I'm here to review the orders.
 * Captain Donnie: Yer a fresh'un, alright. Orders, did ye say?
 * Player: Aye, Cap'n. Just fished me out of the ocean, so they did. Yes, I'm going to need to see the orders so I can help out and pull my weight.
 * Captain Donnie: Arr! Ye do me cold heart proud, [laddie/lassie]. Keep good hold on em, you hear! Them's a secret.
 * Player: Thanks Cap. But the bottom half – I can't read this.
 * Captain Donnie: Aye, they did get a little damp while we were comin' ashore.
 * Player: I can't take this to Frank. You didn't make a copy of these, did you?
 * Captain Donnie: What? No! Not much of one, anyway.
 * Player: Not much of one?
 * Captain Donnie: I might have accidently tripped and carved them into Luke's leg.
 * Player: That will do. Wait, how do you accidently carve several lines of text into someone's leg?
 * Captain Donnie: 'Tis a long story! See, I was drinkin' rubbin' alcohol mixed with gunpowder and cinnamon-
 * Player: On that note, I leave.

A Cure for All Ills

 * You will be unable to make the rubbing without some charcoal and the incomplete plans.


 * While Luke is distracted, you wrap the plans around his leg and make a rubbing, getting a lovely replica of Rabid Jack's signature.
 * 50% Luke: Did you just-?
 * Player: What?
 * 50% Luke: -take a rubbing of my leg?
 * Player: How dare you suggest such a thing!
 * 50% Luke: But you're holding some paper!
 * Player: I was going to blow my nose on it. I have allergies.
 * 50% Luke: And what about the charcoal?
 * Player: It's for a skin condition.
 * 50% Luke: I never heard of any skin condition that needs charcoal to treat it!
 * Player: Well, for your information, Mr. Smarty-peg, I happen to have a skin condition that needs charcoal to treat – one that I'm very sensitive about. It's called Hydro...endo...cardio...spatula...it is...syndrome.
 * 50% Luke: Hydroendocardiospatulaitis syndrome?
 * Player: Yes! So, here I was, lamenting my allergies and hoping to find someplace private to apply my charcoal, and I HAPPEN to trip over. As there was nothing to steady myself on, both my hands HAPPENED to grab your leg...in a rubbing motion. CLEARLY I should have just hurled myself to the ground rather than support myself, eh?
 * 50% Luke: Look, sorry. Okay?
 * Player: Oh, don't you 'sorry' me! Good day to you, sir!


 * Captain Donnie: Have ye read them plans, then?
 * Player: Arr, Cap'n!
 * Captain Donnie: Good, [lad/lass]. Now, come join me for a quick drink.

Seeing is Believing

 * Player: Will these plans do, Frank?
 * Redbeard Frank: That's the devil's mark all right! I'm sorry I held ye up in this matter, but I had to be sure! This is a bad business, [Player]. Here, take my mark and I wish ye luck!
 * Player: Thanks. I am getting the feeling I will need it.


 * Redbeard Frank: If even half of what I heard about this scurvy knave be true, then yer in fer a world of hurts, [Player].
 * Player: Oh come on! I'm sure he can't measure up to some of the things I've faced.
 * Redbeard Frank: Oh, I wouldn't rest on yer laurels. Not fer a moment.
 * Player: I'm going to need to get training.

Fallen Friend

 * Player: Izzy. I was wondering if I could have your mark.
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: My mark? But that means-
 * Player: Yes, I need to speak to Young Ralph.
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: What's happened?
 * Player: I don't know what's going on, but I think Rabid Jack is behind it.
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Don't say his name!
 * Izzy's parrot starts flapping and cawing loudly.
 * Parrot: Awwwk! Albatross! Albatross! Awk! Lives to the sea, me hearties. Awk!
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: See! Look, if ye think that...he...is back, then I can give ye my mark, but ye'll have te perform a task for me.
 * Player: This is very important!
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: I know, which is why it'll just be something easy. Ye've been to the customs prison, right?
 * Player: Yes, that's how I learned about the marks.
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Did ye stay in the cell with no back wall?
 * Player: That's how you're talking to me now.
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Well, here is yer task: my friend, Wanda the Fish, died in the prison, and they will have stored her belongin's there. If ye can bring me the brooch she wore, then ye can have my mark. There be a set of lockpicks in the mattress, which will allow ye t' escape into the prison and get to the storage area.
 * Player: Okay. I'll be back as soon as I can.
 * Parrot: Awk! This Albatross! Lives aplenty! Awk!
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Ye shouldn't say his name by the way; it's bad luck!


 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: How is it going?
 * Player: I still have to get the brooch back.
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: I wish ye luck with it. I know it's frustratin', but I need to know ye're up to the task before I give ye my mark.

Hi Again

 * Customs Sergeant: You? How did you escape?
 * Player: With awesome daring and courage.
 * If carrying items
 * Customs Sergeant: Store all of that no-doubt stolen gear, so I can send you back where you belong.
 * Player: Okay, okay, keep your cap on!
 * If not carrying items
 * Customs Sergeant: Right, let's see if you can get out this time.

Home Sweet Home

 * You search the mattress and find the lockpicks that Izzy left.


 * You pick the lock on the door with the specialised lockpicks, and slip out into the corridor.


 * There is no reason to shout through the bars, as you were the only one in the cell, and you are not there right now. Or are you?


 * It is very easy to get back into the cell, oddly enough.

The Evidence Lockers

 * Player: Hello in there! I'm here to get some evidence.
 * Locker Guard: Okay, come on in.
 * You hear bolts and bars being drawn back.


 * Player: Hello there.
 * Locker Officer: Hi. How can I help you?
 * Player: I need the personal effects of Wanda the Fish.
 * Locker Officer: Yes. A tragic case of food poisoning. Do you have the file number?
 * If no
 * Player: Oh, I seem to have forgotten it.
 * Locker Officer: That's okay. It's got to be in the cabinets somewhere.
 * If yes
 * Player: Here it is.
 * Locker Officer: Everything seems to be in order. Here are all the personal effects.


 * You open the cabinet and leaf through the files. Which do you take?
 * [Possible files scattered throughout the archive - incomplete)]
 * Ash the Loud-Mouthed Braggart
 * Player: I think this is the right file. [Same answer for all]
 * Burglars without prejudice
 * Curly the Stooge
 * Dr. Verystrangelove
 * Emu the Emo
 * Fnords (10 cases of)
 * Gloomy the Cheerful
 * Henry the Psychotic Portrait-Painter
 * Imos with Crossbows
 * Jason the Malevolent
 * Kings (Yellow-clad only)
 * Larry the Stooge
 * Mo the Stooge
 * Q the Winged Serpent
 * Really Small Criminals
 * Vincent the Price
 * X the Unknown
 * Z-Files – do not open
 * None


 * This cabinet has only one likely file. Do you take it?
 * Yes. Sixty-seven Assyrian Assassins.
 * Yes. T the Pitier.
 * Yes. Wanda the Fish.
 * No.


 * Player: I already have a file. I don't need another.

Fond Memories

 * Player: Izzy, I have the brooch.
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Thank ye, [Player]. This brooch means a lot to me. Ye can have my mark.
 * Player: Not a problem. I just hope I can get to the bottom of this soon.


 * Player: How are you holding up, Izzy?
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Oh, just thinking about Wanda is all. Thank ye again for getting' the brooch.
 * Player: No problem. Glad to help.

Small World

 * Customs Sergeant: You? How did you escape?
 * Player: With awesome daring and courage. Say, do you have a folder or something? I wrote out a confession and have evidence of the many, many crimes that I think your superiors will want to see.
 * Customs Sergeant: Err, okay. Here you are. Now, put it all in nice and neat, so we can get you back to prison where you belong.


 * You stuff the marks into the folder.


 * Player: Here you go.
 * Customs Sergeant: Now, store everything you have in the locker and come back to see me.


 * Customs Sergeant: Are you ready to go now that you've confessed?
 * Player: Sure, let's get going.
 * Customs Sergeant: Right, let's see if you can get out this time.

Retrieving the Marks

 * Young Ralph: Have ye the Cap'ns marks?
 * Player: (Yes, sort of.)
 * Young Ralph: Eh? How's that work?
 * Player: (I have smuggled them onto the island, but they are up in the locker room. I'll be back with them shortly.)
 * Young Ralph: Arr, yer a smart one alright. I'll get meself in a tale-tellin' frame o' mind.


 * Player: Can I get the file on [Player], please?
 * Locker Officer: Sure, I hadn't got around to filing it yet. Have fun!


 * Player: Nice day, isn't it?
 * Locker Officer: I suppose so. IF you like sitting on an island in the middle of nowhere, staring at the walls.
 * Player: Do you?
 * Locker Officer: The saddest thing is – yes.

The Tale of Rabid Jack

 * Young Ralph: Have ye the Cap'ns marks?
 * Player: (Here they are.)
 * Young Ralph: Harken ye well, [Player], for this is not a tale fer multiple tellin's. Back in the day, Rabid Jack were the captain of The Scourge. He were a black-hearted one and no mistake. He got greedy fer power and booty, and saught te take over Mos le'Harmless with his cronies. He brought his fleet te the port and laid it te siege, only te be repulsed. In his rage he renamed his ship This Albatross, sayin' that it would be a curse upon us all. Then, he and his corsairs sailed the seas, reavin' and plunderin' and burnin' anythin' they couldn't carry. The Customs Office, who we had a bit of an accord with, turned against us and hunted us down like dogs, tarrin' us all with that swine's brush. So, we did the only thing we could do.
 * Player: You did what?
 * Young Ralph: We hunted down that mad dog and put him down, [Player]. To the south of Harmony, there is a number of islands we call the Cursed Archipelago. They be filled with wicked magicks and evil spirits, and that dog had taken his fleet and made camp there without them touchin' him. He thought us too afeared to follow, and he was wrong. We caught him at anchor and...
 * Captain Rabid Jack: Repel! Repel them ye useless sons o' swine!
 * Bosun Giles: Cap'n! They've taken the hold! The Barbarous be burning stern to stern! Yon Inebriated be scuttled and the Hangman be dead in the water!
 * Captain Rabid Jack: Useless! These lily-livered wastrels are nothin' te me. NOTHIN'!
 * Lizzie: Yer dead, Jack!
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: No, Lizzie! Get back!
 * Captain Rabid Jack: Dead?
 * Lizzie: Arrrgh!
 * Captain Rabid Jack: Dead ye say? We'll see who dies this day, ya filthy wretches!
 * Captain Rabid Jack: On yer feet, filth. Mr. Giles, flog that man fer not fightin'.
 * Bosun Giles: But Cap'n – he's dead.
 * Captain Rabid Jack: Flog him anyway! Flog him 'till his back be worn away or the lash breaks! Live or dead, I will not be defied by these lackluster sluggards! I'm Rabid Jack, by god! I will be obeyed!
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Yer a monster, Jack, and ye'll never see the sunset!
 * Player: Wow. Where were you?
 * Young Ralph: I was on Harry's ship at that point.
 * Young Ralph: I see 'im, 'Arry! I see the dog!
 * Heavy-Handed Harry: Give him hell, lad! Fire!
 * Bosun Giles: Look out, Cap'n.
 * Captain Rabid Jack: Giles! Giles!
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: He's dead, ye butcher. Give it up! Mallard will take yer surrender, but I won't.
 * Captain Rabid Jack: Surrender? Surrender, ye say! I'll not surrender to the likes of ye.
 * Bill Teach: Give up Jack, yer finished.
 * Cap'n Izzy No-Beard: Stay where ye are, Jack!
 * Captain Rabid Jack: What's all this talk o' dead and finished? Don't ye know me? The sea knows me, and I've given lives aplenty to her. She'll not let me die now – or ever!
 * Captain Rabid Jack: Mark this, and mark it well. Ye might break my body but my will is a fist and it will choke ye yet! I will be the albatross around yer necks, the curse upon yer lips. Ye're all dead. All of ye. And it'll be me that makes ye lie down and accept it.
 * Bill Teach: Jack!
 * Young Ralph: ...we had te put the rest of his crew te the sword, and scuttle the ships. They fought like the lash of Jack wer on their backs, even though he was dead and gone. We never found the body, mind, and none that went divin' fer it ever came back to the surface. So, we swore to never speak of the butcher and his black deeds, for if his name were to be a curse te us, we thought it best te forget it and let it rot on the ocean floor with his cursed bones.
 * Player: But now he's back.
 * Young Ralph: I hope yer wrong, [Player], I truly do. Now, fer better or worse, yer know the tale of Rabid Jack, Captain of This Albatross.
 * Disclaimer: No members of the Customs and Excise office were seriously harmed during the making of this quest*. Support your locak Customs Office! In the meantime, here are some kittens.
 * *Note – Several members of the Rock Island Guard did develop severe stomach aches as a result of consuming the dubious fish stew that Harry makes. Most recovered after using antipoison potions. The rest respawned in Lumbridge, feeling very confused. Harry has since been banned from the mess, pending a fresh shipment of his medication. A representative of the Cooking Guild is quoted as saying that they are 'very relieved'. A representative of the fish community declined to comment.

Young Ralph

 * Player: (Do you want me to help you to escape?).
 * Young Ralph: If what yer sayin' is true, and that sea-devil is back, then this is the safest place te be.
 * Player: (That does make sense. I suppose I'll come by to visit you when I can, Ralph.)
 * Young Ralph: Aye. I'll be seein' ye, [Player].

Bill Teach

 * Bill Teach: Here, take this. I found it up by yon black rock on the hill. I think it be magical. There was also a dead mole in there, thrashin' around like it were alive. I shook it out and it burrowed away. I never seen anything like it in all my days. I'm sure it'll be worth some money.
 * Player: Thanks Bill!
 * Bill Teach: Arr, fer all yer runnin' around I thought it'd be a little recompense.


 * Player: Now that I know what this is all about, what should I do?
 * Bill Teach: I don't know. I suppose we wait te see what he does next.
 * Player: I can't accept that. He could cause some real trouble next time.
 * Bill Teach: Well, I'm sure ye'll come up with somethin'.

Brass Hand Harry

 * Player: How are things, Harry?
 * Brass Hand Harry: Passable, [Player]. Although I'm still worried about the recent events.
 * Player: I'm sure, once I know what is going on, I'll be able to sort things out.
 * Brass Hand Harry: I have been asking after you, and it seems you have a reputation for doing so. I wish you luck, [Player].
 * Player: Thanks!

50 Ships Mufassah

 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Well, if it isn't my FAVOURITE little [crewman/crewwoman].
 * Player: What?
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Here, [Player], if you're going to be on the crew, you can be the parrot keeper!
 * Player: This parrot is dead!
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Oh no it isn't.
 * Player: Look, this parrot is dead. I'm not going to get dragged into some pantomime over its being asleep, or something.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Oh, by that I meant it had better not be dead, for your sake.
 * Player: What do you mean by that?
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Oh, nothing.
 * Player: Tell me!
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: That parrot is Achmed the Brutally Violent's favourite pet. If it were to die in the hands of someone that had refused a duty on the ship through allergies or phobias, for example, then he would be very upset.
 * Player: How upset?
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Brutally, violently upset. He already knows you're looking after his beloved little pet, so there is no chance for you to discard it. Don't try to replace it! He raised that thing from birth, so he'll know if you do.
 * Player: I think I saw it move! Good polly. Pretty bird.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: There. I think you'll agree it looks a lot perkier already.
 * Player: So, where is Achmed now?
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Oh, he'll be out of town for a while. Plenty of time for you to get acquainted with your new pet.


 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Well, if it isn't my FAVOURITE little [crewman/crewwoman]. I have a special surprise for you, but you can't have it around all those animals of yours.
 *  You cannot take any more pets at your current summoning level and must release one to accept this item. 


 * 50 Ships Mufassah: How are you and Polly getting along?
 * Player: Just fine, thanks.


 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Aaaaargh!
 * Player: Hiya! I'm just taking polly for a walk.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: But it's dead!
 * Player: No it isn't. If it was dead, then Achmed the Brutally Violent would get 'upset', and that would never do.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: What witchery is this?
 * Player: Nothing you need to concern yourself with. Yet.
 * 50 Ships Mufassah: Double aaaaargh!