Rum Deal/Transcript

The Rise of The Usurper and the Dark Demon of Evil, Barrelor the Destroyer

 * Player: Hello there!
 * Pirate Pete: Mornin'. Hey...you're an adventurer, right?
 * Player: Yes I am! Got any quests for me?
 * Pirate Pete: Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact! [Ahem.] I am a poor, dispossessed nobleman, forced by circumstance to lurk in the middle of nowhere, soliciting help from passers-by. You see, my fiendish half-brother has seized my estates and forced me into exile. The simple lemon farmers suffer under his tyrannous yoke, and only a brave adventurer can lift his iron boot from the neck of the poor. To reclaim my lands, I will need to have my family sword returned to me so that I may present it as proof of my rulership. Will you help me find my family sword?
 * Player: Yes! Your uncorroborated sob story has touched my heart. When do we set off?
 * Pirate Pete: You'll help! Wonderful! But, alas, my half brother has a powerful ally, the mighty demon... Err... Err...Barrelor! Yes, the mighty, fearsome, tall, deadly, oaken, round demon Barrelor the Destroyer.
 * Player: Barrelor?
 * Pirate Pete: That's what I said! Barrelor is an awesome opponent, and to reclaim my family sword you will need to defeat him, for he guards it within the deadly Trapped Pit of Barrelor. Wanna give it a shot?
 * Player: Of course, I fear no demon!
 * Pirate Pete: Atta [boy/girl]! When I am reinstated in my rightful place, I will not be a very wealthy man, as my half-brother has squandered my family fortune. However, I will gladly give you every bent penny of what is left, and starve in the gutter with my many, many adorable children, if you say you will help me.
 * Player: Nonsense! Keep the money! I will dispose of this evil half-brother of yours and leave you what little money is left to feed your family.
 * Pirate Pete: Wonderful! Just pick up your diversion and we'll leave!
 * Player: What diversion?
 * Player: Ow!
 * Player: Great, I'll take the cash in used coins please.
 * Player: Not a chance, this sounds too dangerous.
 * Player: No.

Or Not

 * Captain Braindeath: Arr... 'Tis lookin' bleak...
 * Pirate Pete: Cap'n!
 * Pirate Pete: Good news Cap'n! I found us a hero down by the docks!
 * Captain Braindeath: Be they heroic, brave and true?
 * Pirate Pete: Aye! They also be gullible, tied up and unconscious! They were willing to help out some random stranger with a good enough sob story, so I smacked them with a bottle and rowed them over.
 * Captain Braindeath: Brilliant! The island's location will remain a secret! Bring 'em here and wake 'em up. We may make it through this yet...

Braindeath Island

 * Captain Braindeath: Are ye alright, [lad/lass]?
 * Player: Ohhh... My head... It feels like someone has smacked me one with a bottle...
 * Captain Braindeath: Arr... Those devils gave ye a nasty knock when ye came to aid us. But now yer here we'll run those evil brain-eatin' dogs off the island fer good!
 * Player: What? What is going on here? I can't seem to remember anything beyond chatting to a man at the docks.
 * Captain Braindeath: Arr. Well, [lad/lass], that would be Pete, one of my men. He's been out lookin' fer heroes like yerself to aid us in our peril. When ye arrived ye took a nasty knock to the head, so ye probably don't remember agreein' to help us out. But I swear to ye that ye did.
 * Player: Okay... I'll buy that. It sounds like something I would do. So where am I, and what is going on?
 * Captain Braindeath: Yer on Braindeath Island! Where it lies is a secret, because ye are standin' in the brewery of Cap'n Braindeath, purveyor of the most vitriolic alcoholic beverages in the world!
 * Player: Wow!
 * Captain Braindeath: I am the notorious alchemist Cap'n Braindeath, and this whole operation be my idea! With my crew of sturdy, upright pirate brewers, we sail the seven seas, distributing cheap 'alcohol' to all and sundry. Well, fer a price, at any rate.
 * Player: Oooh!
 * Captain Braindeath: These be dark times, though, [lad/lass]. See, a week ago we awoke to find ourselves besieged. The lads and I have held them off so far, but 'tis only a matter of time before they sweep through the buildin' and put us all to the sword.
 * Player: Who?
 * Captain Braindeath: Them!
 * The Captain points out of the window.
 * Player: Are they... protesting?
 * Captain Braindeath: Arr, [lad/lass]! That they are! Day and night they seek to break our will with their chantin', and their singin' and their passive resistance! Seems they lost their fightin' spirit after the first few days. Now most of them just protest all the time.
 * Player: So, what do you want me to do?
 * Captain Braindeath: Well, me and the lads got our heads together and decided that if we can get their Cap'n drunk enough, perhaps they'll stop protestin'. If that happens, we'll slip out the back and set up shop somewhere else.
 * Player: Well, how can I help?
 * Captain Braindeath: Well, first of all, we need someone to go out the front and grow us some Blindweed. 'Tis one of the ingredients of our 'rum'. The only problem is that those rottin' fiends have torn up and destroyed all but one of the Blindweed Patches. Here, [lad/lass], I'll give ye the seed you'll need fer growin' the herb. Help yerself to the gardenin' equipment in the basement. I'll warn ye again that those devils are sat right on top of the patch. Try hecklin' 'em from a distance. Those Swabs may talk a good fight, but if ye can put a scare in 'em they'll keep out of yer way!


 * Player: So...
 * Player: What exactly do you want me to do?
 * Captain Braindeath: Arr, well I want ye to get outside and grow some Blindweed. Best be careful, [lad/lass], fer them pirates will skin ye alive if they catch ye.
 * Player: Why do you talk like a pirate? Didn't you tell me you were an alchemist?
 * Captain Braindeath: Arr, [lad/lass], 'tis true. However, 'tis also true that I stumbled across the basic recipe fer my most potent of brews in a terrible alchemical accident. See, 'twas a dark and stormy night, and the wind was howlin' around the trees as I worked late into the night. Steppin' too close to a candle with my flask in my hand, I was suddenly swept up in a terrible, yet potentially alcoholic, explosion.
 * Player: And?
 * Captain Braindeath: Well' [lad/lass], it seems the fumes from that first batch of me 'rum' did strange things to me brain. I don't remember the exact words the healers used, but apparently the stuff burned out the tiny, specialised part of me brain that tells me not to talk like a pirate.
 * Player: That... that... that sounds utterly impossible!
 * Captain Braindeath: Arr! That be what I told them!
 * Player: So what do you make here anyway?
 * Captain Braindeath: 'Rum', [lad/lass]! The finest, most potent, most flammable and most debilitatin' 'rum' in the whole of RuneScape!
 * Player: Rum, eh?
 * Captain Braindeath: No, [lad/lass], 'rum'!
 * Player: What's the difference?
 * Captain Braindeath: Well, see, it's like this. If we called the stuff we make 'rum' without makin' the little quote gestures every time, then the Cookin' Guild has promised to do entertainingly painful things to us with whisks. See, technically – And by that I mean technically according to the Disposal of Hazardous Waste Act and the Health and Safety Laws – technically, what we're brewin' here is Artificially Produced Hyper Condensed Sweetened 'Rum' Flavour Distillate.
 * Player: Riiiiiiiiiiight...
 * Captain Braindeath: So ye see, [lad/lass], we just call it 'rum' because the real name be a bit of a mouthful. Want a drop?
 * Player: No thanks... I think I'll skip it for now.

Under Siege

 * Player: So... how are you holding up?
 * Brewer: Very well.
 * Player: You sure?
 * Brewer: Oh Guthix, who am I kidding? We're all gonna die!


 * Player: So... how are you holding up?
 * Brewer: How do I know you're not one of them?
 * Player: Well, I don't know... the way I'm breathing could give it away.
 * Brewer: That means nothing! NOTHING!


 * Player: So... how are you holding up?
 * Brewer: Game over, man! Game over!
 * Player: Errr... keep up the good work.


 * Player: So... how are you holding up?
 * Brewer: Don't talk to me! If I play this right, I can sell you lot out and make it to the mainland!


 * Player: So... how are you holding up?
 * Brewer: Very well, considering.
 * Player: Considering what?
 * Brewer: That I've been crawling into the corner to cry whenever nobody is looking.
 * Player: Wow... I always thought pirates were tough...


 * Player: So... how are you holding up?
 * Brewer: Don't sneak up on me like that! Don't you know there's a war on?
 * Player: I didn't think this counted as a war.
 * Brewer: That's because you're a landlubber. I bet ye've never had to beat a dozen zombies to death with a blunt toothpick!
 * Player: That's right. Have you?
 * Brewer: No. I've spent most of my time in the toilet to be honest.


 * Player: So... how are you holding up?
 * Brewer: No school today mother, my brain hurts real baaaad...
 * Player: What?
 * Brewer: I no sleep in many, many, many days.


 * Player: So... how are you holding up?
 * Brewer: Who are you? You're one of THEM aren't you!
 * Player: O...kay... walking away now, smiling and not making eye contact.


 * Player: Hello!
 * Davey: 'Ello [mister/miss].
 * Player: Why are you not helping out the others?
 * Davey: Well you see, [mister/miss], I've got these unshakable religious convictions.
 * Player: And those are?
 * Davey: Well, it's like this, see. I used to do a bit of the old priestin' on the side. You know, collectin' for repairs to the church roof, passing the collection plate, jumble sales, nicking the lead off the temple roof so they needed repairing again. Real holy stuff, you know.
 * Player: That doesn't sound all that holy to me.
 * Davey: Well, that's because you're not a [man/woman] of the cloth are you? You are, in fact, what we refer to in layman's terms as a punter. But anyway, all that priestin' left me with an unshakable faith in three things. The power of good over evil. The true glory of the human spirit. And that I ain't goin out there with those things runnin' around.

Sticking it to 'The Man'

 * Zombie protestor: Ye'll never get away!
 * Zombie protestor: Give us yer rum, ye scurvy dog!
 * Zombie protestor: Give us rum or give us death!
 * Zombie protestor: United we stagger!
 * Zombie protestor: Arr! Come back here!
 * Zombie protestor: Where d'ye think yer goin?
 * Zombie protestor: Spare us a drop, you scurvy dogs!
 * Zombie protestor: Rum! Rum! Rum!


 * Player: Excuse me, but...
 * Zombie protestor: Arr!
 * Player: Is there any way you could...
 * Zombie protestor: ARRR!
 * Player: Is there anyone else I could...
 * Zombie protestor: Arrrrrrrrrr!!!
 * Player: Fiiine...

Intimidatin' the Swabs

 * Player: Hey you!
 * Zombie swab: Hahahaha! Yer goin ter die!
 * We interrupt this insult to bring you this soothing picture of a kitten. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Thank you for your patience.
 * Player: ...so that all you will be able to hear from then on will be the rustling of the ants walking through them!
 * Zombie swab: That be the most intimidatin' thing I've ever heard! I'm not messin' with you!


 * Player: Hey you!
 * Zombie swab: Hey yerslf, landlubber!
 * We interrupt this insult to bring you this soothing picture of a kitten. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Thank you for your patience.
 * Player: ...so that you will know exactly what time it is due to the horrible pain in your earlobes!
 * Zombie swab: That be the most intimidatin' thing I've ever heard! I'm not messin' with you!


 * Player: Hey you!
 * Zombie swab: Arr! Prepare to die!
 * We interrupt this insult to bring you this soothing picture of a kitten. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Thank you for your patience.
 * Player: ...meaning you'll need a dozen Ogres and a team of highly skilled surgeons to remove them!
 * Zombie swab: That be the most intimidatin' thing I've ever heard! I'm not messin' with you!


 * Player: Hey you!
 * Zombie swab: Yer a deadman, sez!!
 * We interrupt this insult to bring you this soothing picture of a kitten. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Thank you for your patience.
 * Player: ...leading to the eventual, violent explosion of those organs!
 * Zombie swab: That be the most intimidatin' thing I've ever heard! I'm not messin' with you!


 * Player: Hey you!
 * Zombie swab: Yer brave, but stupid!
 * We interrupt this insult to bring you this soothing picture of a kitten. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Thank you for your patience.
 * He seems to have vanished...you must have scared him off.

Cap'n Donnie

 * Captain Donnie: Arr! What be ye wantin?
 * Player: I, err, came to...
 * Player: I have come to tell you to leave.
 * Captain Donnie: Ye have?
 * Player: Yes.
 * Captain Donnie: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Wheeze...wheeze... Gadzooks [lad/lass], that be the funniest thing I've heard all day! Say it again!
 * Player: I have come to tell you to leave.
 * Captain Donnie: Stop [lad/lass]! I'll shatter me ribs!
 * Player: I've come to ask you what you wanted.
 * Captain Donnie: Whadda we want? Rum! When do we want it? Now!
 * Player: So...if I were to give you 'rum' you would leave?
 * Captain Donnie: Not really [lad/lass]. If ye were to give us 'rum' we'd kill ye quickly, as opposed to over a few weeks.
 * Player: Oh...
 * Player: I have come to join your crew! Err, I mean... Arr! Shiver me mainbraces and make them landlubbers walk the scurvy plank, Cap'n! I've come to join yer cut-throat, bilge swillin' crew! Also, arr!
 * Captain Donnie: Are ye quite done, [lad/lass]?
 * Player: yes, for the time being anyway.
 * Captain Donnie: Well, ye'll be glad to know that after that little performance I'd be glad to have ye on me crew!
 * Player: Huzzah!
 * Captain Donnie: Course, I'll have te kill ye first.
 * Player: Oh...
 * Captain Donnie: Don't ye worry, [lad/lass]. After we take the island I'll have the boss haul yer body to the temple and... Err, never mind.
 * Player: Never mind what?
 * Captain Donnie: Ferget I said anything.

Reportin' Back

 * Player: Here! I have your Blindweed!
 * Captain Braindeath: Splendid, [lad/lass]! Go shove it in the Intake Hopper upstairs. We'll beat them zombies yet! Arr!

Yer Next Task

 * Player: Well, that takes care of the Blindweed. What now?
 * Captain Braindeath: Well, now ye've shoved the Blindweed into the mix, what we need is a bucket of stagnant water.
 * Player: Where can I get some of that?
 * Captain Braindeath: Ye won't have to go far, [lad/lass], we have a pool of the stuff here!
 * Player: Here in the brewery?
 * Captain Braindeath: No, [lad/lass], that would be a strange thing to have in a brewery! It's up the mountain to the north.
 * Player: Up a mountain?
 * Captain Braindeath: Well, 'tis technically a volcano, but ye get the general idea.
 * Player: And I assume the place is crawling with these zombies?
 * Captain Braindeath: No [lad/lass], there be not a zombie in sight.
 * Player: Oh, good!
 * Captain Braindeath: All ye have to do is get past the keen-eyed look-out that's been spottin' my men when I send 'em. I'll tell ye that it won't be easy!
 * Player: When is it ever...


 * Player: What exactly do you want me to do?
 * Captain Braindeath: To get off yer lazy behind and head out to the stagnant lake on top of the volcano. Chop chop, [lad/lass].

The Tale o' 50% Luke

 * Player: Are you all right?
 * 50% Luke: Who goes there? Arr! A landlubber! Begone afore I take my cutlass to ye! I've been charged with guardin' this gate and no noodle-armed landlubbers will make it past me alive!
 * Player: That's not a cutlass. I think it's a twig.
 * 50% Luke: Ye cheeky begger! I was wavin' my finger at ye!
 * Player: All right...
 * 50% Luke: Arrr... just 'cos me body happens to be 50% wood does not mean I'm heartless. I got a bag of 'em here. Wanna see?
 * Player: I think I'll pass.
 * Player: What happened to you?
 * If wearing the Ring of Charos (a)
 * Player: What happened to you?
 * 50% Luke: Well ye seem like a [lad/lass] that can handle such a tale...so I'll tell ye... Well, it all starts with this albatross...
 * 50% Luke: Wait, never mind, I'll skip forward a bit.
 * Player: Are you sure?
 * 50% Luke: I have to [lad/lass], Cap'n Donnie will flay what little is left of me if I told ye. But anyway, I got recruited to the zombie pirates along with the rest of the crew in an unspecified incident involvin this albatross. We was sailin' along happily, and I was partakin' of a little 'rum' in the crows nest. Well, we hit either a really rough wave or some rocks. Twas kind of hard for me to tell which, as I was well out of it by then! Regardless, I toppled from the crows nest into the water.
 * Player: Is that how you got so badly injured?
 * 50% Luke: No [lad/lass]! What happened next was that I discovered a new, previously uncharted reef of hard, spiky coral. I made a mental note of its location, and to this day it is still marked on our fleet's charts as Lukes Reef. I managed to grab a hold of our ship, the Inebriated, as it passed overhead. And then I discovered another, taller, spikier reef of even sharper and more painful coral. To this day it is still marked on our fleet's charts as The Other 50% Reef.
 * Player: Owwwwwwwww...
 * 50% Luke: It gets worse... When they hauled what was left of me on deck, they dropped me onto the floor while they decided what to do with me. Bear in mind this would be on a ghost ship, the planks of which sweat a thick mixture of stagnant water...and pure salt crystals.
 * Player: Oh...my...god...
 * 50% Luke: But on the good side, all my thrashin' and pained squealin' settled the matter in the Captain's mind, and he had the shipwright carve me half a body out of his Witchwood Planks.
 * Player: Witchwood? What's that?
 * 50% Luke: Tis a special, magical wood from a now extinct tree. Once they nailed it all in place the stuff moves like it is part of me body. The stuff will also grow back if it breaks, which is dead handy!
 * Player: Wow, that stuff must be very valuable!
 * 50% Luke: Arr! That it be! So, that be the tale of how I managed to lose precisely 50% of my body.
 * Player: There there.
 * If not
 * 50% Luke: That be a tale so heart-wrenchin' that it has so far wrenched the hearts from over a dozen sturdier men than thee! A tale of such woe that none but the stoniest hearts can hear it without sheddin' a single, poignant tear... And I'll never tell ye, not even if ye wore an item, such as a ring, with powers of mind control!
 * Player: What if I said please?
 * 50% Luke: Hmmmm...well alright... Wait, no! Get goin' landlubber before I take my splintery foot to yet behind!
 * Player: So how flammable are you?
 * 50% Luke: What kind of question is that?
 * Player: I'll soon have you out of the way! Burn!
 * 50% Luke: Don't make me angry! Ye'll not like me when I'm angry!
 * One 500 hit combo later
 * 50% Luke: Let that be a lesson to ye!
 * Player: My world is an ocean of paaaain!
 * Player: So what is going on here anyway?
 * 50% Luke: Ye expect me to talk?
 * Player: No Mr. Luke, I expect you to die!
 * 50% Luke: Hah! I'm one step ahead of ye!
 * Player: Egad, outsmarted by the man with the wooden brain. But seriously, what is going on here?
 * 50% Luke: I can't tell ye [lad/lass]. The Cap'n would have me whittled down to toothpicks if I did.
 * Player: Well if you can't tell me, perhaps you could show me through the medium of Interpretive Dance?
 * 50% Luke: No. Just...no.
 * Player: Mime?
 * 50% Luke: Look, [lad/lass] I'm not tellin' ye a thing! So clear out while ye still can!


 * 50% Luke: Arr! Tryin' ter get away eh? Well ye'll never sneak past me, I'm the best lookout this crew has ever seen!
 * Player: Hey you! Look over there!
 * Player: Who's that making faces behind you?
 * Player: Oh my! Is that a genuine 3rd Age Diversion?
 * Player: Is that your distraction?
 * Player: Who is that behind you?
 * Player: That is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!
 * 50% Luke: Where?


 * 50% Luke: Hey! What are you doing out there?
 * Player: Nothing.
 * 50% Luke: Well Cap'n Donnie said no livin' landlubbers were allowed out of the compound. So get yerself back in here, or yer for it!

O'er to Yonder Hopper

 * Player: What exactly do you want me to do?
 * Captain Braindeath: I want ye to go pour yer bucket into yonder hopper. Take yer time, [lad/lass], we're only bein' besieged by zombies.

Sluggy Brethren

 * Player: So is that everything?
 * Captain Braindeath: No, [lad/lass], next ye'll need to go outside and catch five loads of Sluglings fer the brew.
 * Player: What? Sluglings? That's disgusting!
 * Captain Braindeath: Arr, [lad/lass], that it be. To a weak-stomached, knock-kneed landlubber...
 * Player: Why Sluglings?
 * Captain Braindeath: 'Cos, [lad/lass] they're one of our super-secret ingredients! Yer not too susceptible to mind control are ye [lad/lass]?
 * Player: Why?
 * Captain Braindeath: Because they have been known te, well, influence people every now and again. I'm sure ye've got nothing te worry about!
 * Player: They aren't related to those Seaslugs are they?
 * Captain Braindeath: No [lad/lass], we just call them 'Sluglings' 'cos of a long and convoluted story involvin' a metal pipe and three dead seagulls. Aye they're related! Tis a good job they'll starve if they tried te eat yer brains!
 * Player: So what should I do with these Sluglings anyway?
 * Captain Braindeath: Well, ye shove them in the Pressure Barrel in the attic. And then ye...
 * Player: And then I...
 * Captain Braindeath: And then ye... Pressurise 'em.
 * Player: Pressurise them?!
 * Captain Braindeath: Just a little. Look, we don't have all day, get movin'. Here. Ye'll need this to catch them.
 * Player: What should I do with it?
 * Captain Braindeath: Just dunk it in the water. I'm sure a clever [lad/lass] like yerself will have no problem. Oh, and if ye haul up some squiddy-looking things, don't hesitate to shove 'em in the barrel too. They add a special, fishy texture to the drink.


 * Player: What exactly do you want me to do?
 * Captain Braindeath: I want ye to go outside and catch five sea creatures from the squid fishin' spot. When ye've grabbed them, jam 'em in the barrel in the attic and pressurise 'em.

Spiritual Critical Mass

 * Player: How could I kill my sluggy brethren...?
 * Captain Braindeath: Snap out of it, [lad/lass]! Yer in slug-shock!
 * Player: What? Who? Gah! Sorry about that.
 * Captain Braindeath: No problem. Well, now ye have just one more ingredient to grab, and then we can get this 'rum' flowin!
 * Player: Well, how far away will I have to go to grab it?
 * Captain Braindeath: Not far at all, [lad/lass]. Ye've just got to get it from the basement!
 * Player: Great! What is it?
 * Captain Braindeath: Hold yer horses, [lad/lass]! While ye was off gallivantin' with yer slimy aquatic playmates, the 'rum' achieved spiritual critical mass. To put it in terms ye'll understand, the brewin' equipment is possessed.
 * Player: Possessed!
 * Captain Braindeath: Don't ye worry yerslf about it! This happens all the time. Well, to tell the truth, my lads are a little quicker off the mark, so it only happens occasionally. Not that I'm criticisin' yer performance, [lad/lass]. Give the controls a couple of belts with this wrench. One of the lads did a little priestin' on the side before he came here. Get him to bless it and ye'll do fine.


 * Player: What exactly do you want me to do?
 * Captain Braindeath: I want ye to go clear the Evil Spirit out of the brewin' controls. Use the wrench I gave ye, but get it blessed first.

Priest Pursuit

 * Player: I'm looking for a priest.
 * Brewer: Why do you need a priest?! For the last rites? Are we done for?
 * Player: No, I just need...
 * Brewer: Were all gonna diiiiiiiiiie! Flee to the longboats! Run to the hills, run for your lives!
 * Player: Seriously, for a man trapped in a building full of alcohol you are remarkably tense.


 * Player: I'm looking for a priest.
 * Brewer: Well, you could try asking the others.
 * Player: Will they help?
 * Brewer: No, I just want you to leave me alone so I can cry in peace.


 * Player: I'm looking for a priest.
 * Brewer: What, so you can eat their brains? I won't help you!


 * Player: I'm looking for a priest.
 * Brewer: What do you want with a priest? Trying to get yourself exorcised?
 * Player: I am not a zombie. I just haven't had a bath today is all...
 * Brewer: That's what they all say!


 * Player: I'm looking for a priest.
 * Brewer: Well, I'm not a priest, but I must admit I've been praying feverently since the zombies arrived.
 * Player: For anything in particular?
 * Brewer: A new pair of trousers. Those things are scary.


 * Player: I'm looking for a priest.
 * Brewer: An old priest or a young priest?
 * Player: What do you have?
 * Brewer: Neither, sorry.
 * Player: Great...


 * Player: I'm looking for a priest.
 * Brewer: Shhhh! GET AWAY FROM ME, HUMAN WHO I DON'T KNOW! AS A LOYAL ZOMBIE PIRATE INFILTRATOR I WOULD NEVER HELP THE LIVING AT ALL! That was close, just shove off and keep away from me.


 * Player: I'm looking for a priest.
 * Brewer: I want to go on the donkey rides, but there is too much sand in my bucket...
 * Player: What?
 * Brewer: My hovercraft is full of eels...

Davey

 * Player: You used to be a priest, right?
 * Davey: I didn't nick anything, [mister/miss]. I've got twenty people who'll swear blind I was...
 * Player: What? Never mind. I need some help with the spirit in the brewing equipment.
 * Davey: Trust me, [mister/miss], lots of people need help after coming into contact with the spirits we produce here.
 * Player: Can you bless this wrench for me?
 * Davey: I might well do. Remember, only the first one's free. Dominoes Ad Nauseum, Romanes Eunt Domus. Sorted.
 * Player: Is that it?
 * Davey: Oh, you want the full package deal. All right. Brace yourself.
 * Player: Groovy. Thanks!
 * Davey: No problem, [mister/miss]. Good luck with your little problem. You might find that little wrench worth hanging on to after you're done with the Spirit.
 * Player: Really? I mean, it's holy and everything, but I don't think it looks all that useful.
 * Davey: Well, it may not look much, but you'll find that you might need a few less prayer potions if you have it in your pack, if you know what I mean.
 * Player: Well, no, I don't know what you mean, but I'm sure I'll find out!

Brew Battle

 * Player: The power of Guthix compels you!

Basement Fever

 * Captain Braindeath: Well, now that ye've got that spirit out of there ye can dump in the final ingredient.
 * Player: And that is?
 * Captain Braindeath: We need the body of a diseased Fever Spider!
 * Player: Remind me never to drink anything you have ever made. Or touched.
 * Captain Braindeath: When yer quite done flappin' yer lips, go down into the basement and whack spiders until ye find a fever spider body. Shove it in the hopper and then we're in business.
 * If wearing Slayer gloves
 * Captain Braindeath: I see yer already wearin' some Slayer Gloves. That'll keep the Fever Spiders from gnawin' yer hands off!
 * If not
 * Captain Braindeath: Ye'll be wanting to put them Slayer Gloves of yours on before ye head off [lad/lass], as those Fever Spiders carry a nasty disease. They'll give it to ye if ye aren't wearin' somethin' too thick fer them to bite through.


 * Player: What exactly do you want me to do?
 * Captain Braindeath: I want ye to go kill a Fever Spider and jam its body in the hopper. Whenever yer ready, [lad/lass].

The Glory of Brewin'

 * Player: Well, I stuck your spider in the hopper, what now?
 * Captain Braindeath: Now ye stand well back and watch the glory of brewin' at its best!
 * Player: Is that it?
 * Captain Braindeath: Aye [lad/lass]! Now get outside and feed that stuff to the pirates. Try givin' it to the Captain, he's in charge. Get him bladdered and the rest will fall! Ye'll need to use that bucket of yours. Most stuff can't stand bein' in contact with our 'rum' fer too long. Took us a lot of dissolvin' to work that one out.


 * Captain Braindeath: So, what did he say?
 * Player: Who?
 * Captain Braindeath: The Cap'n!
 * Player: Oh! I haven't spoken to him yet!
 * Captain Braindeath: Well, get a move on! And don't ferget the 'rum'!

Deliverin' the Brew

 * Captain Donnie: Be that the finest, most abrasive 'rum' I've ever smelled?
 * Player: Yes! That it be!
 * Captain Donnie: Hand it over or I'll run ye through!
 * The Captain drinks the 'rum' as quickly as possible.
 * Captain Donnie: Arr. Ye be a good [lad/lass], fer a filthy livin' landlubber.
 * Player: So... I take it your boss will be pleased?
 * Captain Donnie: Arr, that he will. I'll tell... Wait a minute... Arr, ye tricky dog! Ye tried to trick old Donnie!
 * Player: Oh well, I guess I'll have to try again.
 * Captain Donnie: Arr, [lad/lass], you tried to trick me, but I was too clever for ye! Besides, Rabid Jack would have my hide if I told ye it were him that sent me!
 * Player: I'm sure he would. Good job you caught me out, eh!
 * Captain Donnie: Aye! Now get ye gone, and don't return without more 'rum'!

Crisis Averted

 * Captain Braindeath: So, what did he say?
 * Player: Not much that was coherent. Who is Rabid Jack?
 * Captain Braindeath: Rabid Jack! THE Rabid Jack! Egad... I haven't heard that name... before.
 * Player: So, who is he?
 * Captain Braindeath: Dunno [lad/lass]. Almost as if I aren't changing subjects, well done! With those rottin' dogs legless they'll never keep fighting us now, so we've decided to stay here and keep the 'rum' flowin! Thanks, [lad/lass]. We'd never have managed without ye!

Captain Braindeath

 * Captain Braindeath: Fancy some 'rum', [lad/lass]? It's still fresh. Well, fresh0ish.
 * Player: No, I think I'll pass.

Davey

 * Davey: Ello again [mister/miss]. How's things?
 * Player: Good. Everything seems to have worked out ok.
 * Davey: I'm sure it'll stay that way so long as you don't know it's missing.
 * Player: What?
 * Davey: Nothin' [mister/miss], you just have a nice day.

Brewers

 * Player: Hello there!
 * Brewer: I don't know what your game is, but I know you're one of THEM!
 * Player: But I just saved you!
 * Brewer: The voices tell me different. It's all part of a plot! Confess!


 * Player: Hello there!
 * Brewer: Hello there, brave [hero/heroine], in whom I had total confidence!
 * Player: Total confidence?
 * Brewer: Yes! I was so confident that I would never, ever have sold your soft, edible body to the pirates outside!
 * Player: Well, great...
 * Brewer: On a completely unrelated note, I would steer clear of Hungry Frank for a while. He's a filthy liar. And a forger. It wouldn't surprise me if he has written out a note detailing the terms of our surrender and your dismemberment and cooking in MY handwriting. Imagine that, the fiend.


 * Player: So, got any sleep yet?
 * Brewer: My brain is no longer capable of sleep.
 * Player: So... what are you going to do now?
 * Brewer: I was gonna try and will myself dead.
 * Player: Right... good luck with that.


 * Player: Hello there!
 * Brewer: Hello yerself Landlubber!
 * Player: Everything ok with you now?
 * Brewer: Hmmm... Overall everything is good!
 * Player: Great!


 * Player: Hello there!
 * Brewer: Well you proved that you're probably not a zombie. So what are you then? A ghoul? A vampyre?
 * Player: I'm not any form of undead!
 * Brewer: Oh... oh god I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was natural...
 * Player: What?
 * Brewer: Nothing...


 * Player: Hello there!
 * Brewer: You saved us! Huzzah!
 * Player: All in a day's work, think nothing of it.
 * Brewer: I don't have anything to reward you with except my collection of bleak, gothic poetry I wrote when I assumed we were all done for. Do you want it?
 * Player: I may come for it later, you hang on to it for now.


 * Player: Hello there!
 * Brewer: Have they gone yet?
 * Player: Well, no, but they are a lot calmer now.
 * Brewer: What are we gonna do now, huh? What are we gunna do now?
 * Player: In your case I would say relax.


 * Player: Hello there!
 * Brewer: Hello yourself!
 * Player: How's things?
 * Brewer: Fine...
 * Player: Excellent! Since I get the feeling I don't want to know why you said that so oddly I'll just go over here!
 * Brewer: I think that would be for the best!

Captain Donnie

 * Captain Donnie: Hey! You!
 * Player: Who? Me?
 * Captain Donnie: Aye! Ye! Got any more rum?
 * Player: What happens if I don't?
 * Captain Donnie: Then I'll clap ye in Runes!
 * Player: Don't you mean clap me in irons?
 * Captain Donnie: no [lad/lass], not irons, Runes! We upgraded last week.
 * Player: Ok, well it's a good job that I have some over here isn't it?
 * Captain Donnie: Arr, yer a good [lad/lass]...

Zombie protestors

 * Zombie protestor: Arrr! Tis yerself! Have a drink!
 * Player: Errr ...Arrr! I will in a sec, I've just go to, err, plunder some landlubbers...
 * Zombie protestor: Good huntin'!

Pirate Pete

 * Player: Do I know you?
 * Pirate Pete: Yes, you owe me some money. Want a lift to Port Phasmatys?
 * Player: Okay!
 * Pirate Pete: All right. I'll need to use my Magical Teleporting Bottle.
 * Player: Magical Teleporting Bottle?
 * Pirate Pete: Yes. Just turn around three times, then clap your hands and say the place you want to go.
 * Player: This I have to see. Oh well, here goes. One... Ow!
 * Player: Ooooh... my head...
 * Pirate Pete: Are you ok? You, err... slipped and fell down some stairs.
 * Player: Wow... I'm lucky I wasn't seriously hurt!
 * [Missing more of these]
 * Player: Not now. I'm getting an awful headache talking to you. Any idea why?
 * Pirate Pete: No idea whatsoever.
 * Player: Why do I get a headache every time I see you?
 * Pirate Pete: Well, it's possibly the weight of all of your expensive items giving you a sore back. As a doctor I can tell you that sometimes a bad back can manifest as a headache.
 * Player: You're a doctor?
 * Pirate Pete: I'm on a break. Regardless, I can tell you that if you hand me your most expensive items, then the pain will disappear. CoughonceyouturnaroundagainCough!
 * Player: What was that last bit?
 * Pirate Pete: Nothing.
 * Player: Are you any relation to Party Pete?
 * Pirate Pete: Yes I am, he's my cousin.
 * Player: Well, you don't sound too happy about it. What happened?
 * Pirate Pete: Well, I arranged with all my friends to have a party at his place. But then I humiliated myself by trying to dance with the knights. All of them collapsed on me in a horrific, jangling pile. I tried to salvage the night by having all the balloons come down...
 * Player: So what happened?
 * Pirate Pete: I didn't know that someone had swapped the balloons with cannonballs! The casualties were horrific... That was the worst fifth birthday party in the history of the world.
 * Player: I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
 * Pirate Pete: Not according to the Official History of RuneScape! Every edition... the pictures bring it all back...
 * Player: Ouch...