Bringing Home the Bacon/Transcript


 * Player: Hey there. What's that delicious smell?
 * Eli: That? Oh, that's something I'm working on.
 * Eli: Hey, you look like you've done some farm work in your time. You free to help me out?
 * Player: And what is it you need me to do?
 * Eli: I just need you to eat some of this...meat I've cooked up.
 * Eli: It's not from a person or anything like that! I just need you to give it a taste and tell me what you think.
 * Player: Okay, I'm game.
 * Player: Wait. Why did you think I would assume it was from a person?

-- Eli gives you a delicious-smelling strip of meat. --


 * Eli: No reason. I thought you might have heard about that accident. Yeah... Anyway, scarf that down and tell me what you think.

1. That was great! -

2. My mouth is filled with joy! -

3. That was okay.
 * Player: That was okay.
 * Eli: Okay? Just okay?
 * Player: Yeah. Just okay.
 * Eli: I was hoping for a better reaction.
 * Player: Just because I don't like it doesn't mean others won't. What was that meat anyway?
 * Eli: That, my friend, was a new type of meat I have discovered. I call it... bacon!
 * Player: Bay...con? Why did you call it that? Does it come from a creature called a 'bay' or something?
 * Eli: No! I named it after myself, Eli Bacon! Bacon, like my last name! That's what all the great people do.
 * Player: Oh, sorry! So what is it then?
 * Eli: What would you say if I told you it was...from a pig?
 * Player: A pig? Urgh! Why would anyone want to eat one of those?
 * Eli: Well, it's a long story. But let me ask you something first. What would you say pigs are good for?
 * Player: Ceremonial greased pig wrestling, obviously.
 * Eli: And what else?
 * Player: Well you could... I suppose...maybe they could...
 * Eli: Exactly! Aside from pig wrestling they are useless! They are just big, smelly animals that eat loads of food.
 * Eli: Even pig wrestling is in decline thanks to all these new sports like 'Castle Wars' and 'duelling'.
 * Eli: Thanks to all these popular pastimes there is no demand for pigs. I think only me and Martin keep them these days.
 * Eli: And he only keeps them because of the tourist money generated by his freakishly large pig; Pigzilla.
 * Eli: Basically if people find out that pigs taste delicious when cooked how long do you think it'll take to eat them all?
 * Eli: Just look what happened to those useless no-horned unicorns that were all over the place a few years ago. When people worked out they tasted good they were wiped right out!
 * Player: I suppose you're right. But what can we do about it?
 * Eli: What we'll do is get people wanting pigs for something other than meat.
 * Eli: After all, people keep cows around for milk and sheep for wool. If we can convince them pigs are good for something, then they'll start breeding them again.
 * Eli: Once the numbers are back up, we can reveal the tasty truth to everyone. By that point there'll be enough pigs that people can eat as many as they want.
 * Player: That sounds like a great idea. How are we going to do it?
 * Eli: I have a plan, what we are going to do is...

-- Cutscene opens --


 * Player: Hey, what's that sound?
 * Eli: What sound?
 * Player: Who are they?
 * Eli: Those are some of the locals. They know about bacon.
 * Eli: I gave a few of them a taste and now they're addicted. They're crazy!
 * Player: They're so creepy...
 * Eli: Don't worry. So long as you locked that gate behind you we should be all right.
 * Player: Uh, that might be my fault.
 * Bacon addict: Baaaaaaacon! Must eat baaaaacon!
 * Eli: Did you hear that? They're going to eat me!
 * Player: I think they might be after the pigs, not you.
 * Eli: Oh! Er...that does make sense.
 * Eli: Wait! They're buttering up the pigs for roasting! We have to stop them!
 * Player: Well what can we do?
 * Eli: Try making some pig decoys! Those lunatics are too far gone to tell the difference.
 * Eli: Here - take this big stack of bacon. You'll need some planks too. Let's go!

-- Eli shoves a heap of delicious bacon into your pack to distract the addicts with. --


 * Eli: Try and build something out of those to distract them! Quick!

-- Eli Provides[sic] some wooden planks to make his cunning pig dummies. --

(Upon building the first pig dummy)


 * Eli: That's the ticket! Now cover it in bacon as a diversion!

(After rescuing all the pigs)


 * Player: Looks like Eli has rescued the last of the pigs. I should head down into the cellar and speak to him.

(The player is transported to the cellar, where the music track 'Underbelly' is unlocked.)


 * Eli: Good work. While they're eating that bacon we can get this show on the road.
 * Player: What do you mean?
 * Eli: You remember I said I had a plan to drive up demand for pigs? Well this is it.
 * Eli: What we do is raise an amazing pig. I mean a real monster! One that people will come for miles around to see.
 * Eli: Then, we train it to do some sort of trick.
 * Eli: We show it off to all kinds of folks, and they go nuts for pigs!
 * Eli: Before you know it, demand for pigs will soar!
 * Player: That does sound like a good idea.
 * Eli: And then...bam! We bring out bacon and make a fortune!
 * Player: But if everyone has pigs at that point, how will you make money from selling bacon?
 * Eli: Well it is called 'bacon'. I'm sure that legally they'll have to pay me money when they start making it.
 * Eli: I sent off a form and a promised to hand over lots of money to secure the rights to call pig meat 'bacon'. It can't fail!
 * Player: What could go wrong?
 * Eli: I know! All we need to do is work out what a pig is good for. Any ideas?

1. Maybe they can fight? -

2. Maybe they can carry an altar? -

3. Maybe they can carry items?
 * Eli: How will that get people interested?
 * Player: Pigs are rather big, so they can probably handle quite a few packs and bags. That's really handy for adventuring!
 * Eli: That's a good idea you had there. I guess you're smarter than you look after all.
 * Player: Uh, thanks...I think. So what now?
 * Eli: Now we need our showpig.
 * Eli: Go have a word with Martin in Draynor and see if he'll let us have a piglet from his big old Pigzilla.
 * Player: Will do!
 * Eli: You can always find him by his pigsty in the marketplace. Just head south-east from here and you'll find him in no time.

4. I don't have any ideas. -

1. What do you want me to do again?
 * Eli: Now we need our showpig.
 * Eli: Go have a word with Martin in Draynor and see if he'll let us have a piglet from his big old Pigzilla.
 * Player: Will do!
 * Eli: You can always find him by his pigsty in the marketplace. Just head south-east from here and you'll find him in no time.

2. Who are you? Eli: I am Eli Bacon, the proud inventor of bacon! I work on this here farm as a pig farmer. Player: Won't naming the food after yourself cause some confusion? Eli: I don't think so. Nobody gets Richard Cookedmeat confused with the food he came up with. Same with Gerald Beer and Simon Bread. Player: I don't think bread was invented by someone called Simon. Eli: Well that's where you are wrong. I sent off some fancy papers about registering your food with the Cooks' Guild. Eli: Chef Morrisane explained it all in his handy little pamphlet. And it only cost me thirty percent of all future earnings!

3. How did you discover bacon?
 * Eli: Well, a few days ago I was getting Gassy Steve - one of my prized wrestling pigs - ready for his next competition.
 * Eli: I'd attached him by his trotters to an old spit roast. It keeps 'em still while I cover 'em with ceremonial garlic-and-herb grease, y'see.
 * Eli: Then, disaster struck!
 * Eli: I'd placed dry twigs and rags under the spit to catch the falling grease, as usual. Before I knew what was happening, sparks from a nearby torch ignited them, and poor Gassy went up in flames!
 * Player: Another tale of a promising sporting career cut brutally short.
 * Eli: Within minutes, a crowd of people had gathered by the farm. The smell of poor Steve cooking was, ironically, attracting people from far and wide.
 * Eli: People started begging me to not bury him, and wanted to try the cooked flesh to see if it tasted as good as it smelled.
 * Eli: Stricken with grief as I was, I gave it a try myself...and found it to be sweet and delicious!
 * Eli: And that is how I learned the secret of bacon.

4. I think I should go.
 * Eli: Right, see you later.

(Pick the 'Bringing Home the Bacon.' option when talking to Martin)


 * Player: Martin, can I have one of Pigzilla's piglets?
 * Martin the Master Gardener: Why would you want one of them? Are you thinking of starting a pig farm?
 * Martin the Master Gardener: If you are, then be warned - the bottom has really fallen out of the pig wrestling game. You'd be better off investing in a cow.
 * Player: It's not for me. It's for Eli Bacon. We're planning something that will increase interest in pigs, and need an impressive piglet to do it.
 * Martin the Master Gardener: Oh, that is good news! I suppose I could give you a piglet if that's the case.
 * Player: Fantastic! Just put it in my backpack and I'll be on my way.
 * Martin the Master Gardener: Hold on there! I need you to do something for me first.
 * Martin the Master Gardener: I don't know who it is, but someone has been picking my pockets.
 * Player: Oh no. Who would do such a dastardly thing?
 * Martin the Master Gardener: I think it was one of those dodgy types over to the west. I want you to find out who did it and give them a thrashing.
 * Player: You mean kill them?
 * Martin the Master Gardener: No! That's a little too much! Just give them a good kicking and I'll give you the piglet.
 * Player: Seems fair enough. I'll get right on it.
 * Martin the Master Gardener: Remember, one of them will be lying about where he was when it happened. Just find out who doesn't have an alibi.
 * Martin the Master Gardener: If they can't tell you truthfully where they were when I was robbed, they must be the culprit!

(After finding out the culprit)


 * Player: You! You're the one that picked Martin's pockets!
 * Pickpocket: All right, you got me! Now what are you going to do about it?
 * Player: I'm going to earn a giant piglet, that's what I'm going to do!
 * Pickpocket: What?

(Cutscene opens)


 * Player: Martin, this is the pickpocket that stole from you.
 * Martin the Master Gardener: It's good to finally meet you. Did you enjoy robbing me, you swine?
 * Pickpocket: I did indeed, and I'll do it again once this farce is over!
 * Martin the Master Gardener: You'll be laughing on the other side of your face in a moment! Let him have it!
 * Player: I didnt [sic] want to come down to this, but you leave me no choice!
 * Player: Let that be a lesson to you!
 * Martin the Master Gardener: Is that it?
 * Pickpocket: Yeah. I mean, I barely felt that.
 * Player: I thought you didn't want me to kill him.
 * Martin the Master Gardener: Well no, but I expected more than one little punch.
 * Martin the Master Gardener: You know, there are lots of ways you can hit someone without killing them.
 * Player: Really? Okay, let's give this another try.
 * Pickpocket: So is that really it? Can I go now?
 * Player: Not just yet. We're going to have another bash at it.

-- Oh look! A piglet and a kitten! --


 * Pickpocket:What are you doing?
 * Player: Take this!

-- Isn't the pig chubby and cute, and the kitten fluffy and adorable? --


 * Pickpocket: MY ORGANS!
 * Player: And this!

-- They are the best of friends, and have adorable adventures every day. --


 * Pickpocket: I can literally taste my own agony!
 * Player: And this!

-- They dress up in little costumes and run around with all their woodland chums... --


 * Pickpocket: Spleeeeeeeeeeeen!
 * Martin the Master Gardener: By the gods! He's had enough!
 * Player: And one more for luck!

-- What high jinks and capers they get up to! --


 * Pickpocket: Blubble...
 * Martin the Master Gardener: Okay, okay, I think he's learned his lesson. Leave him be!
 * Pickpocket: Learned...lesson...going...hospital...now...
 * Player: I don't think he'll be bothering you again for a while.
 * Martin the Master Gardener: I'm pretty sure you just scared off every pickpocket in the district. Well done!
 * Martin the Master Gardener: You've more than earned this little piglet.

-- Martin hands you a healthy, wriggling piglet. --


 * Player: Thanks! I'll take him to Eli now.

(When talking to Eli)


 * Player: I got the piglet from Martin!
 * Eli: Great! Did he ask much for it?
 * Player: No. All I had to do was deal with a pickpocket for him.
 * Eli: Sounds like a fair enough trade.
 * Eli: Let's take a look at that piglet then, Player.
 * Player: There you go. What should we do now?
 * Eli: What we need to do now is work on making a machine to train the pig.
 * Eli: What was it you thought they could do again? Haul stuff about for you?
 * Player: Yeah, that sounds about right.
 * Eli: I have some plans drawn up, but I think you'd be better off putting it all together. Three planks should cover it.
 * Eli: All it'll take is a couple of planks. I'd help out myself, but I broke my hammer on a hiker last week.

1. You broke your hammer on a hiker?
 * Player: You broke your hammer on a hiker?
 * Eli: I meant I broke my hammer mending a fence ruined by hikers. Yeah, that's what happened.
 * Eli: Anyway - not wanting to change the topic or anything - after you've built it, you'll need to upgrade it to train the pig.
 * Eli: That should only take a couple of iron bars and three more planks. Oh, and best use some nails to hold it all together.
 * Eli: In fact, I have those here for you now. You might as well use mine instead of yours.

2. How did you do that? -

3. You know what? I don't want to know -

-- Eli provides you with the items needed to create the machine. --


 * Eli: Here, since you can take it all now, you might as well have the stuff to upgrade it as well.
 * Eli: That'll save you tim when you're done building it.

-- Eli also provides you with the items needed to upgrade the machine. --

-- You construct the basic pig-training machine. --

-- You upgrade the machine to train pigs to haul heavy loads. --


 * Player: Whew! That all looks like it'll work. What now?
 * Eli: We need to fatten this little fellow up a bit - make him look more impressive, like.
 * Eli: I have plenty of pig feed, but we should probably mix in some wheat to fortify it a little.
 * Eli: Would you mind grabbing some for me? Five bundles should be more than enough.
 * Eli: There's a field over by Draynor that you can take it from. It's not too far away.
 * Player: Fine. This shouldn't take too long.


 * Eli: That should keep us sorted for a while. Thanks!
 * Player: It was no problem at all. So what now?
 * Eli: Your pig is still looking a little small. We need to bulk it up a bit.
 * Player: Should we maybe wait a little longer to see if he goes through a growth spurt?
 * Eli: I don't think we can keep this news under wraps for much longer. Those bacon addicts...
 * Eli: Wait...that's it...
 * Eli: Of course! Hahaha!
 * Player: Err...Eli?
 * Eli: Bwahahaha!
 * Player: Eli?
 * Eli: Oh, don't mind me. I just thought of something funny about... pigs.
 * Eli: I have had an idea though. What this little squealer needs is some good, healthy exercise.
 * Eli: Keeping him cooped up down here won't do him any good. We need to get him up and about in the sunshine.
 * Eli: If we can clear the yard of addicts then we can take him for a good old trot about in the fresh air.
 * Player: So what do you suggest we do?
 * Eli: Here, I use this 'sleeping potion' sometimes when I need to get...pigs...to sleep.
 * Eli: Just let me peel that old skull-and-crossbones label off. There, that should do it.
 * Eli: Just go up there, attach some bacon to one of those pig statues you made and then pour some potion onto it.
 * Eli: When they tuck into it they'll fall asleep. Then I can...er...

1. Take them home to recover? -

2. Get the guards to deal with them? -

3. Not kill them?
 * Player: How about doing something that does not involve killing them?
 * Eli: What? I would never do that!
 * Player: Sure...
 * Player: Great! I'll make a start.
 * Eli: Just head up into the field through the trapdoor to begin. I'll leave the bacon and sleeping potion up there for you.

-- You collect a stack of bacon and the 'sleeping potion' as you enter the field. --

Player: They've all eaten the bacon, but they're not falling asleep. I should speak to Eli and find out what went wrong.


 * Eli: How's the yard looking now?
 * Player: I got the addicts to eat the bacon, but they all seem fine.
 * Eli: Don't worry about that. The potion takes a while to act. Makes it more of a surprise when they start to get sleepy.
 * Eli: I mean, it's best to slip an animal this stuff when they don't expect it.
 * Eli: Say, how are you feeling by the way?
 * Player: Fine, thanks. Why do you ask?
 * Eli: No reason. Tell you what - in case the potion doesn't work, why don't you go get me some onions?
 * Player: Onions? Why do you need onions?
 * Eli: Well, you know how garlic repels vampyres I'm convinced that onions will repel these bacon addicts.
 * Player: What? How does that work, exactly?
 * Eli: Look, I invented bacon, so I should know how it works.
 * Eli: Bacon and onions are two strong flavours, and they just don't go together.
 * Player: To those hardened bacon addicts - well, they shouldn't even be able to go near them.
 * Eli: Specifically fresh onions. So if you can go and get me a fresh onion you picked yourself then we can use it to clear the yard if the poison doesn't work.
 * Player: I'm...really having trouble following this.
 * Player: By that logic, you are saying that onions repel bacon addicts because it does not go with the food they eat - bacon.
 * Eli: That's right so far.
 * Player: But then garlic would only repel vampyres because it does not go well with the food they eat - blood. And how would you know that?
 * Eli: Look, I'm the bacon expert here. I can't just expect any lay person to understand how this stuff works.
 * Player: Well all right. I guess it won't take me long to gather a few onions to see if it works. I suppose five should be enough.
 * Player: Will you nee a hand dealing with the addicts if the potions takes effect while I'm away?
 * Eli: Oh don't worry. I've got it under control.
 * Player: Right. Well...I'll be right back I suppose.


 * Player: Eli, where have all the bacon addicts gone? And why is my pig fully grown?
 * Eli: The addicts? They...er...blew away in a storm. I've been taking your friend here out for trips around the field - good exercise! Yeah.
 * Player: So do you still need the onions?
 * Eli: Oh yes. Your pig is still hungry and with the addicts gone he'll eat the onions himself.
 * Eli: We might as well top up the supplies in case the meat runs out.
 * Player: What meat?
 * Eli: Meals. I meant in case his meals run out.

1. Fair enough. -

2. That sounds pretty suspicious.
 * Player: That sounds pretty suspicious.
 * Eli: No it doesn't.
 * Player: But...
 * Eli: It sounds perfectly reasonable.
 * Player: But...
 * Eli: Perfectly. Reasonable.
 * Eli: That should keep us safe if more addicts appear.
 * Eli: I suppose the next thing to do is turn on the machine and see how well it works!
 * Player: Are you sure this will work?
 * Eli: Well, you built the thing. I doubt the pig'll be much use just from this, but he'll look just grand.
 * Eli: And that's all we need. If the pig looks good and you can pretend that the trick works, we're set!

(After activating the machine)


 * Player: Here goes nothing!
 * Eli: Hmm, I think this might need a little work.
 * Pig: Oink?
 * Eli: Well, I guess it's better than nothing. Come here you.


 * Player: The machine seems to have worked.
 * Eli: It does, although I think I should give it a tweak while you are away.
 * Eli: Maybe I can dig up some of the clothes, packs and armour buried in the field to equip pigs a little better.
 * Player: Why do you have clothes and stuff buried in the field?
 * Eli: People keep on dropping things in there. Like old clothes, hats, money, personal possessions and unwanted limbs.
 * Eli: I bury them in the field to keep the place from getting untidy.
 * Eli: Look, it's a farming thing. You wouldn't understand.

1. I suppose... -

2. It really doesn't sound like one. -

3. Really? How generous of them!
 * Player: Really? How generous of them?
 * Eli: No! I didn't kill any...wait, what?
 * Player: I can't imagine anyone just leaving all that handy stuff out for you. Do they leave money too, or just items?
 * Eli: You...you believed that?
 * Player: Of course. Why wouldn't I?
 * Eli: No reason. Remind me to get you as a character witness if I ever need one.
 * Eli: Anyway, take that pig around the big cities to show it off!
 * Eli: Lumbridge Castle courtyard, Varrock Marketplace, Ardougne Marketplace and near the north Falador gate would be the best to give it a try.
 * Eli: If nothing else, they're next to those lodestone things, so you can teleport there with the pig easily.
 * Eli: Don't be frightened to let the pig walk with you. Just put him down on the ground when you want to show him off and pick him up when you're done.
 * Player: You wouldn't happen to have a list of the cities I can take him to, in case I forget?
 * Eli: Here, this should help your memory. Now go and show the world what a pig can do!

-- Eli provides you with a list of locations to visit. --

Player: I'll be right back[sic]

-- Eli manhandles the fully grown pig into your backpack. --

Eli: And if you don't like the name Martin gave your pig, you can go and change it with him now he's all yours.

---

(At one of the necessary places)


 * Player: Well, let's impress some people with your 'skills'.
 * Pig: Oink? (Whut?)

(Cutscene opens)


 * Man: Hey there, stranger. Why do you have a pig following you around?
 * Woman: Is it pig-wrestling day already? I need to get my wrestling hat!
 * Player: Actually I have trained this pig to do more than just wrestle.
 * Player: As you can see, I've attached some packs to this pig so it can carry items for me.
 * Player: Have you ever not had enough space to carry sharks or granite boulders in your pockets? Well a pig is strong enough to haul some of your daily load!
 * Woman: That sounds useful, but can it also carry smaller items like seeds and arrowheads?
 * Man: And it can keep my items safe from pickpockets? I heard that some fled here from Draynor recently.
 * Player: It can do all that and more!
 * Man: Well, stranger, your pig certainly has shown us a new way to store and carry our belongings.
 * Player: I'm glad I could show everyone here the value of pigs.
 * Man: But just out of interest, where can we get trained pigs like this?
 * Woman: Yes, we've had to cancel the last three pig-wrestling days because we couldn't find one. We had to use a goblin in the end.
 * Man: It just wasn't the same...
 * Player: Well pig numbers are down, but I'm sure if you were to speak to Eli Bacon and Martin they might help you set up a sty.
 * Player: Then you can raise all the pigs you'll ever need!
 * Man: That's a great idea! Three cheers for this passing stranger and his performing pig!

-- You show off your pig to the next group of people. You still need to display your pig in: Lumbridge Castle courtyard. Varrock marketplace. Near Falador's north gate. Ardougne marketplace. --

(The following performances are the same on all places)


 * Player: ...Then you can raise all the pigs you'll ever need!
 * Man: That's a great idea! Three cheers for this passing stranger and his performing pig!

Player: I think that's impressed enough people. I should go back and see Eli to check if it worked.


 * Eli: Welcome back! It worked!
 * Player: It did? Great!
 * Eli: We've had about a dozen people come by asking to buy breeding pairs of pigs.
 * Eli: Others have put in orders for pig-training equipment too.
 * Eli: I hear that Martin's in the same position. You've saved the pig population from going extinct!
 * Player: Always glad to help.
 * Eli: Only thing is - what with my pigs being moved underground - they think that's the way to raise them.
 * Player: Well, I suppose that'll keep them safe from roaming bacon addicts at any rate.
 * Eli: I suppose you're right. It just means if you want to get bacon at the main cities you'll have to keep an eye out for pig pits instead of pig sties!
 * Eli: In a year or so we can start letting people in on the secret of bacon. In the meantime you can come see me whenever you want more.
 * Eli: This calls for a fry-up!

- Quest complete! -


 * Eli: Can I help you with something?
 * Player: How's the pig farm going?
 * Eli: Very well. I have some things for you if you want them.

1. Can I have some bacon?
 * Eli: There you go! I've sent them to your bank. Anything else you need?

2. Can I have some trained pig familiars?
 * Eli: There you go! I've sent them to your bank. Anything else you need?

3. I don't need anything, thanks. -