The Mighty Fall/Transcript

Under Attack

 * Ur-tag: I've... I've just had a terrible report from the scouts. An army is marching on Dorgesh-Kaan.
 * Player: Hello to you as well.
 * Ur-tag: (Same as below).
 * Player: How can I help?
 * Ur-tag: Huge numbers of goblins, trolls and ogres are congregating in the swamps above.
 * Player: Why?
 * Ur-tag: I don't know. Perhaps it has something to do with Bandos's death? What could they want with us? I need you to find out what they're doing, and do anything you can to slow them down or stop them. Will you help us?
 * Not Right Now.
 * Accept Quest.
 * Ur-tag: Good. The first thing I need you to do is-

The ground starts shaking and Zanik enters the building.

 * Zanik: General Graardor is here with an army! We've just collapsed the swamp entrance to slow them down.
 * Ur-tag: What does he want with us?
 * Zanik: He's holding us somehow responsible for Bandos's defeat. They don't believe their 'Big High War God' could lose and Graardor is looking for someone to blame.
 * Player: What do you need me to do?
 * Ur-tag: We can't fight an army of this size, and the cave-in won't hold them for long. I'll go to the council and begin discussing our evacuation. Go to their leaders. They ought to speak with you. Try to slow them down; stop them if you can. With Bandos dead I thought we were finally free of him. Now this...
 * Player: I consider myself a Bandosian.
 * Player: Okay, I'm all over it.
 * Zanik: Graardor and the others are gathered in the Swamp Caves. Our entrance is blocked so you'll have to go the long way around. You know the route? Into the Lumbridge Swamp and under that old tree.

Talking to Ur-tag again

 * Ur-tag: Find the Bandosian leaders. They're in the Swamp Caves. You'll have to go through the swamp to get there.

Talking to a goblin

 * Goblin: Me too busy with important digging and guarding. You talk with bosses to east/south/north/west. (Depends on your current location).

Talking to a mountain troll

 * Mountain Troll: You wanna talk? Go talk with bosses to east/south/north/west. (Depends on your current location).

The Leaders

 * General Bentnoze: Shovel is best to dig in rocks!
 * General Wartface: No! Pickaxe is best you dumb-dumb!
 * General Graardor: Stupid goblins, quiet or Graardor smash you both. Wait! It is visitor. It is Player!
 * Bork: (If you sided with Armadyl in the World Event). A pathetic minion of Armadyl. What brings one of your kind here?
 * Bork: (If you sided with Bandos in the World Event). Our comrade from the holy war against Armadyl. What brings you to this place?
 * Bork: (If you did not participate in the World Event). This is no place for a human. What brings one of your kind here?
 * Player: I'm here on behalf of the cave goblins.
 * General Wartface: Why? They stupidest goblins. They hurt Big High War God, make him get weak and lose battle.
 * General Bentnoze: Your fault as well, human! Make stupid cave girl hurt Big High War God instead of become Chosen Commander!
 * Player: I didn't want to weaken Bandos.
 * (Same as below.)
 * Player: I was protecting my friend.
 * General Graardor: You NEVER question Big High War God! Stupid cave girl trick you good to betray Big High War God - me CRUSH her!
 * (Continues below).
 * Player: I was stopping a tyrant.
 * General Graardor: You got pretty big mouth! Sound like Bandosian! Stupid cave girl trick you good to betray Big High War God - me CRUSH her!
 * Zarador: Bandos told me of how you and Zanik weakened him by destroying his avatar.
 * General Graardor: Graardor lead army here. We find hiding place of cave weaklings and smash them!
 * Bork: However, the cave goblins have collapsed their entrance, so we are stuck here bickering.
 * Player: Zanik isn't the reason why Bandos died.
 * Zarador: There is no other explanation. The god of war himself, bested by a big bird and his army of simpletons. We have already rid ourselves of the humans who failed so spectacularly to retrieve necessary supplies from the Wilderness.
 * Bork: (If you sided with Bandos in the World Event). Present company excepted, of course. No one doubts your contribution.
 * Zarador: Zanik is all that remains, and we will have our revenge on Bandos's behalf.
 * Player: This isn't what Bandos would have wanted!
 * Zarador: If that is what you think, then you know nothing of Bandos. Only the very strongest deserve the gift of continued existence. Everyone else must be removed. Crushing the cave goblins is exactly what Bandos would have wanted!
 * Player: I don't suppose we can resolve this peacefully...
 * General Graardor: Don't say that again. It make Graardor mad.
 * Player: What, peaceful-
 * General Graardor: You say p-word again and Graardor smash you!
 * Player: It was worth a try.
 * Player: You led the army here, Graardor?
 * General Graardor: When Zarador told story, we all got mad. I smash table and also door, I so mad with stupid cave girl. Others hear story, they mad too, but they have no plan. As General, I make clever strategy and lead them.
 * Player: Enough questions.
 * Player: Why are you in charge, Graardor? Zarador was second in command during the war against Armadyl.
 * General Graardor: We all angry. Graardor the angriest. Graardor in charge.
 * Player: Bandos said that the strongest should lead. Are you the strongest?
 * General Graardor: Graardor strong! Smash many goblin - human - birdman, with fists.
 * Player: So you're saying you're stronger than anyone else here?
 * General Graardor: You asking to be smashed?
 * General Wartface: You not strongest, goblins strongest. Only one of you. Loads of us. Graardor dumb-dumb.
 * Bork: It is the role of the orks to rule over the goblins.
 * Zarador: We're losing focus here. Zanik and the Dorgeshuun are the concern.
 * General Graardor: Shut up, Zarador. This important. Bork, you question might of Graardor? I WILL SMASH YOU!
 * Dad: Trolls throw rocks! Rocks hurt! Dat make trolls strongest!
 * General Graardor: Oh, troll finally decide to pipe up!
 * Player: (If you killed Dad). Wait, Dad? Aren't you dead?
 * Dad: You kill Dad dad. Dad eat Dad dad. Now name Dad.
 * Player: Well, that clears that up.
 * Zarador: Yes, yes, everyone is very mighty and powerful. Now we need to get through the cave-in and kill Zanik. For Bandos!
 * General Bentnoze: You tryin' to lead now? Goblin more stronger than you too!
 * Zarador: For the love of...
 * Player: Wait, I know how to resolve this!
 * Player: Graardor should be leader.
 * Player: Bentnoze should be leader.
 * Player: Wartface should be leader.
 * Player: Bork should be leader.
 * Player: Dad should be leader.
 * Dad: (If you killed Dad) You killed Dad dad. Dad pretty mad about that. Dad not sure what to think now.
 * General Bentnoze: He/She killed Dad dad? You should have smashed him/her good! You clearly weakling.
 * General Wartface: Not as weakling as you, dumb-dumb!
 * General Bentnoze: You the dumb-dumb, dumb-dumb!
 * Player: What we need is a way to conclusively decide who is strongest.
 * (Continues below).
 * Player: Zarador should be leader.
 * Player: Zanik should be leader.
 * General Graardor: What?
 * Bork: What?
 * Dad: Dat worst idea yet.
 * General Wartface: Your face worst idea yet!
 * General Bentnoze: Your mum worst idea yet!
 * General Wartface: Your mum stupid!
 * General Bentnoze: Your face stupid!
 * Player: What we need is a way to conclusively decide who is strongest.
 * General Bentnoze: Me knows! Goblins know legends of Big High War God from before time of much-war.
 * General Wartface: Shut up! I tell them. Big High War God has tradition, old tradition. Kyzaj Tournament.
 * General Bentnoze: Kyzaj Tournament how leader chosen. Decide strongest.
 * Zarador: We don't have time for this.
 * Bork: We orks have the same legend.
 * General Graardor: Yes. Kyzaj. Graardor remember. Graardor win, back in old days. Win many times.
 * Player: This tournament sounds like an ideal opportunity for Graardor to prove his right to lead.
 * Zarador: Don't listen to the human! He's/She's just trying to delay us!
 * General Graardor: You doubt Graardor's might! You think Graardor lose!
 * Zarador: I would never question your might, General.
 * General Graardor: Then we hold Kyzaj! Graardor smash everyone!
 * Dad: Dad like to see Graardor try! Dad smack Graardor in face!
 * General Wartface: Goblins beat trolls easy. Trolls stupid.
 * Bork: You think goblins can beat orks?
 * General Wartface: Yeah I think-
 * Bork: It doesn't matter what you think!
 * Zarador: This is ridiculous.
 * Dad: Zarador scared to fight!
 * Zarador: I have no intention of fighting. Each race must choose a champion, and the ourg champion is clearly Graardor.
 * General Graardor: So you do know of Kyzaj.
 * Zarador: Of course I do. I know all the old ways of Bandos.
 * General Graardor: Good, then it settled. Zarador organise tournament. Graardor win tournament. Then we all come back and smash cave weaklings.
 * Dad: Dat good plan, except for trolls win tournament easy.
 * General Bentnoze: You mean goblins!
 * Player: What about the Dorgeshuun? They need to be represented.
 * General Graardor: Cave weaklings too cowardly for fight!
 * General Wartface: Goblins already in tournament!
 * Zarador: Well... the Dorgeshuun are indeed culturally distinct. Historically, Bandos always allowed new races to participate. Since he did not recognise them as goblins, they should be allowed to participate in their own right.
 * Player: Great! Wait... What are you trying to pull, Zarador?
 * Zarador: I simply think that the Dorgeshuun should have the opportunity to elect a champion to participate. Perhaps... Zanik?
 * General Graardor: Haha! Good plan! Then Graardor smash puny cave girl who weaken Big High War God!
 * Player: I will fight on behalf of the Dorgeshuun, not Zanik.
 * Zarador: Why?
 * Player: I will protect Zanik from your crude assassination attempt.
 * General Wartface: We only just got rid of stupid humans. Now we got to have another one?
 * Zarador: You are not a cave goblin. You cannot be their champion.
 * Bork: An amusing thought occurs to me.
 * Player: What?
 * Bork: It is not the way of Bandos to permit a surrogate champion as your weakling human nobles do. If memory serves, however, the champion may be served by a trained attack beast.
 * Player: You don't mean...?
 * Zarador: Hahaha! Very well. Player will participate in the tournament as Zanik's trained beast.
 * Player: I never agreed to this!
 * Zarador: Would you prefer that Zanik participate as champion?
 * Player: No...
 * Zarador: Would you prefer us to resume our invasion of Dorgesh-Kaan?
 * Player: No...
 * Zarador: Then I suggest you take full advantage of whatever loophole is offered to you. (Continues below).
 * Player: Whatever it takes, I suppose.
 * Zarador: This tournament will be held in accordance with true Bandosian tradition. It is not intended for the weak sensibilities of humans.
 * Player: I am not afraid.
 * (Same as below).
 * Player: Just bring it!
 * Zarador: Very well. The tournament can only be held in the sacred site, on Yu'biusk. I will go there now to prepare.
 * Player: How are you able to travel to Yu'biusk so easily?
 * Zarador: Bandos opened a permanent portal. It lies at the seat of his tower. Human, you should inform the Dorgeshuun that your delaying tactic has worked, but that their doom in only temporarily postponed.
 * Player: I'm done here.
 * Player: I will prove myself the strongest!
 * Player: (Same as above).
 * Player: I should be leader.

Talking to Graardor again

 * Graardor: We have tournament like in old days. Graardor crush everone then, crush everyone now!

Talking to Dad again

 * Dad: Dad not such a big troll. Needs to find bigger troll. Maybe look in Death Plateau.

Talking to Bork again

 * Bork: I am the best there is, the best there ever was, and the best there will ever be. This tournament will be over quickly.

Talking to Zarador again

 * Zarador: Thanks to you, I have a lot of work to do. Run back to your little cave goblin masters.

Talking to Wartface and Bentnoze again

 * General Bentnoze: Me wanna commentate fights! Me be best commentator!
 * General Wartface: Shut up! You dumb-dumb! You worst commentator!
 * General Bentnoze: Me better than you, stupid!
 * General Wartface: No way, stupid!

Reporting Back

 * Ur-tag: We don't seem to be dead yet, so I assume the news is good.
 * Player: Sort of. It's a bit of a story. I've convinced the Bandosians to hold off on the attack while they hold a tournament to decide who is in charge.
 * Ur-tag: Well, it's as good a distraction as any.
 * Player: I also took the liberty of entering the Dorgeshuun into the competition. Zarador was keen on it, because he thought it would give him easy access to Zanik. But I've arranged to serve as uh... Zanik's 'assistant' and fight on her behalf.
 * Zanik: Wait... I'm the Dorgeshuun champion?
 * Player: Yes, but I don't think it's safe for you to attend the tournament. The good news is that if I win, you techincally become leader of the Bandosians.
 * Zanik: What's the bad news?
 * Player: If I lose, or if either of us die, the Dorgeshuun are eliminated from the tournament and it's very likely the invasion will be back on.
 * Ur-tag: Well, it's a long shot. It really is down to you. Are you feeling confident?
 * Player: I'm not sure. The other champions will be powerful and motivated.
 * Ur-tag: We shall see.
 * Zanik: That portal that appeared near the goblin village must lead to Yu'biusk. Get yourself ready for the tournament, and I will meet you by the portal before you leave. It's east of the goblin village.
 * Player: They don't stand a chance!
 * (Same as above).

Talking to Ur-tag again

 * Ur-tag: When you're ready, meet Zanik by Bandos's body, east of the Goblin Village.

Talking to Zanik again

 * Zanik: When you're ready, meet me by Bandos's body, east of the Goblin Village.

Meeting up with Zanik

 * Zanik: Hello, Player.
 * Player: I almost didn't recognise you in the hood.
 * Zanik: I don't want any of the Bandosians noticing me. This tournament has them all riled up. Hundreds of them have already gone through.
 * Player: Did you want to talk to me about something before the tournament?
 * Zanik: Yes, I wanted to talk to you alone. I can't think of a better way to put this, Player. I'm... dying.
 * Player: What do you mean, dying?
 * Zanik: You remember when Juna resurrected me using the Tears of Guthix? Well Juna and the Tears had nothing to do with it. It was Bandos who brought me back.
 * Player: Bandos could do that? I thought gods didn't have that power.
 * Zanik: Not freely. He had to give up a part of himself. But I was his Chosen Commander. He couldn't let me die.
 * Player: Perhaps Zarador is partially right to blame you for Bandos's defeat, then.
 * Zanik: Maybe. I hadn't thought of it like that. (Continues below).
 * Player: Go on.
 * Zanik: When Armadyl dealt the finishing blow by staving in Bandos's skull, I felt it. I felt it like it was happening to me. A pain more intense than death. I passed out. I survived, but I began to weaken and sicken. I could feel what was happening. Without Bandos to sustain it, my borrowed life energy was slipping away. I went to see Juna, and she agreed. There was nothing she could do. She had guessed our fates were tied together, but neither of us anticipated the death of a god. Who would have expected it to happen in my lifetime?
 * Player: What are you going to do?
 * Zanik: I was hoping to live out my days among my own people. Recently I have been longing for the comfort of the familiar. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if I was dead already. Then Zarador wouldn't be hounding the Dorgeshuun.
 * Player: Don't say that. We can still save them.
 * Zanik: Thanks. If anyone can do it, I believe it's you.
 * Player: So what's the plan?
 * Zanik: You must win the tournament so that the Dorgeshuun can be safe. It doesn't matter what happens to me.
 * Player: But if I win on your behalf, that would make you Bandosian leader.
 * Zanik: That's fine with me. If that happens, I'll lead them away somewhere so they're never a threat.
 * Player: Somewhere like where?
 * Zanik: Yu'biusk, maybe. That would be fitting. Perhaps it would even be possible to heal the land there. Speaking of which, I have kept you for too long. You must get to the tournament. It is not safe for any of my people to attend, but we've sent Grubfoot along to look after you.
 * Player: You watch your back, too. If you die, I lose by default.
 * Zanik: I will. Good luck! The fate of the Dorgeshuun rests with you.
 * Player: Maybe that would have been better.
 * Zanik: You're not the most comforting person to confide in. (Continues above).
 * Player: We're all dying.
 * Zanik: I don't mean from old age. (Continues above).

Talking to Zanik again

 * Zanik: Go through the portal. Yu'biusk and the tournament await.

Yu'biusk

 * Goblin Maitre d': This Yu'biusk. You supposed to be here, human?
 * Player: My name is Player. I'm the... I'm the trained attack beast serving the Dorgeshuun champion.
 * Goblin Maitre d': Haha! Me heard about that! So funny!
 * Player: Yes, it's very funny. Where is Zarador?
 * Goblin Maitre d': Zarador at top of spiral. You follow up and round arena.

Talking to Grubfoot

 * Grubfoot: Player!
 * Player: Hi Grubfoot.
 * Grubfoot: No time now. Entrants need see Zarador. We catch up later.

Talking to Burntmeat

 * Burntmeat: Hello Player!
 * Player: Hello, Burntmeat. Can I smell what you're cooking?
 * Burntmeat: It's surprise! You can try later after chat with Zarador.

Talking to My Arm

 * My Arm: Hello Player!
 * Player: Hello, My Arm. What are you doing here?
 * My Arm: Me think Zarador need to see you, best no make him angry.

Zarador

 * Zarador: Welcome to Yu'biusk, human. I believe you have been here before, correct? As Bandos's closest advisor and one of the few left who know the old ways, I am serving as Kyzaj Arbiter for this tournament. My word is law here, underwritten by holy authority. If you do anything to disrupt the tournament, the wrath of all assembled will fall on you. Being the outsider that you are, I assume you need me to explain the rules to you. Where would you like me to start?
 * Player: Tell me about the fights themselves.
 * Zarador: Summoning magic is not permitted. Beyond that, there are no restrictions. However, each round will include a special limitation or mandate. These additional rules are to be followed on penalty of forfeiture. You will be notified of such rules at the start of the round.
 * Player: Tell me about winning.
 * Zarador: Battles are to the death.
 * Player: What if I don't want to kill my opponent?
 * Zarador: I do not believe any Bandosian has ever asked that question. Technically, battles are until one participant is unable to fight. You could spare your opponent if you wished. You should think of it as a test of character, though. This is no place for the weak.
 * Player: Tell me about my role.
 * Zarador: You should know your role. You are the Dorgeshuun champion's trained attack beast. In the absence of the real champion, Zanik, you will be doing all the fighting. If you win, you win for Zanik. If you lose, you die, and her life is also forfeit. Of course, if Zanik were to meet with an unfortunate accident, that would also eliminate the Dorgeshuun from the tournament, and your presence on Yu'biusk would become illegitimate.
 * Player: I have no more rules questions.
 * Zarador: Good, then you can find your camp and prepare.
 * Player: Isn't you being the Arbiter a conflict of interest?
 * Zarador: I just want this to be over as quickly as possible.
 * Player: But you might rule unfairly against me!
 * Zarador: Little human, you don't stand a chance anyway. I have no need of bias.
 * Player: Who else is participating?
 * Zarador: All of the old peoples of Yu'biusk have champions. Even those of us who are nigh extinct. They each have a camp around the outside of the arena. Go and meet them if you want.
 * Player: I have no more questions.
 * Zarador: The Dorgeshuun camp is to the west of here. It seems none of the cave goblins crawled out of the ground to attend.
 * Player: Because you would have killed them on sight.
 * Zarador: Regardless, some fans of yours have shown up. They are waiting for you. When you are done with your preparations, find me and we will begin the first round.

Lol

 * Lol: I'm Lol.
 * Player: Who are you?
 * Lol: Morningstar was my brother. Trolls gonna smash Burthorpe!
 * Player: Last I checked, Burthorpe was doing better than ever and Morningstar was dead.
 * Lol: You got a big mouth, but whatcha gonna do when Lol runs wild on you?
 * Player: What do you do?
 * Lol: Eat. Sleep. Fight. What, you think I have a day job? Plumber, maybe?
 * Player: Why are you here?
 * Lol: Dad get me here because I'm the strongest troll. Win tournament for trolls.
 * Player: Why are you called Lol?
 * Lol: Why you think? Same as all troll, named after first thing I eat.
 * Player: How did you eat a lol? What is a lol, anyway?
 * Lol: Eat stupid human called Lol. Now my name is Lol.
 * Player: How did you know he was called Lol?
 * Lol: That all he say. Lol, lol, lol. Must be his name.
 * Player: I'm done here.

Dad

 * Dad: You pretty scrawny even for a human. Not think you last long.

Ogre camp

 * Farkle: Me Farkle! Me mighty ogre champion. Me win tournament easy, prove ogres are strongest.
 * Player: Haha 'Farkle'.
 * Farkle: Me do impression of you - listen! Blah blah blah me stupid human! Please no hurt me! You like that human?
 * Player: You'll be doing impressions of yourself losing if we meet in the arena!
 * Farkle: Haw! No way, human!

Ourg camp

 * General Graardor: Get lost, human!

Cyclops and hobgoblin camp

 * Hobnob: What do you want, human?
 * Player: Who are you?
 * Hobnob: I'm Hobnob - mightiest of the hobgoblins. You must be Zanik's trained attack beast. Zanik must be a really jammie dodger to have a human stand in for her.
 * Player: That's rich talk coming from someone with such crumby armour.
 * Hobnob: I'm ready to take everyone down. This tournament will be a slam dunk.
 * Player: Well if we meet in battle, I'll chew you up and spit you out.
 * Hobnob: I'll crunch you into cream!
 * Player: When I break your legs, you'll need wagon wheels to get around!
 * Hobnob: We'll see!

Ork camp

 * Bork: It is brave of you to be here on Yu'biusk at all. This is no place for your kind.

Mono

 * Mono: Hullo.
 * Player: Who are you?
 * Mono: Mono.
 * Player: What are you?
 * Mono: Cyclops.
 * Player: Why are you here?
 * Mono: Fight.
 * Player: Well... it's been nice chatting. Goodbye.

Yelps

 * Yelps: Helloooo! I'm Yelps!
 * Player: Who are you?
 * Yelps: I'm Yelps, the richest and smartest goblin that ever lived. It comes in handy, because I'm also the smallest goblin that ever lived. I'm an entrepreneur! A self-made man!
 * Player: Really? What do you do?
 * Yelps: I used to run this game, see? Lucky people would punch me in the face to win prizes!
 * Player: They... punched you in the face to win prizes?
 * Yelps: That's right!
 * Player: But how... Never mind.
 * Player: What do you do?
 * Yelps: Well, the game I used to run all sort of fell through. It turned out the treasure I was givin' away actually belonged to some human princess or something, so I had to give most of it up. She's still runnin' the game but... *shudder* There's no punchin'. Not even a bit! There are... treasure chests! I've been trying to reintegrate into goblin society, but it's not going so well.
 * Player: Why are you here?
 * Yelps: The high priest told me to get my best gear on and guard the camp! Here I am!
 * Player: You're not taking part?
 * Yelps: Not on yer life! I'm no warrior!
 * Player: I'm done here.

High Priest

 * High Priest: Me important overseer of Kyzaj Tournament.

Dorgeshuun camp

 * My Arm: Player!
 * Burntmeat: It been a long time!
 * Player: What are you two doing here?
 * My Arm: We come to cheer for you!
 * Burntmeat: Goooooooo Player!
 * Player: Shouldn't you be cheering for the troll champion?
 * My Arm: Nah. We not into all dat politics. We cheer for friend.
 * Player: Oh, and hello Grubfoot.
 * Grubfoot: Me here on behalf Oldak. Him wish you good luck.
 * My Arm: We made dis little camp for you to rest at. I brought dat bank chest to change your gear at and Burntmeat been cookin'.
 * Player: Not...?
 * Burntmeat: Haw haw! No, dere's no human in dere! Wiv all dis goutweed dere be no need for it. But...
 * Player: Yes...?
 * Burntmeat: I can't absolutely guarantee dere's no goblin in dere. Sorry Mr Grubfoot.
 * Grubfoot: It okay. Goblin pretty tasty.
 * Player: What have you guys been up to?
 * My Arm: I'm still growin' dat goutweed we got. Fillin' da troll stocks is hard when they eat it s'fast as I grow it. Other den dat, I been trying to do some explorin' but da goutweed supplies need fillin' all da time.
 * Burntmeat: I been tryin' some new recipes dat Kris been tellin' me about. Dragon eye meatballs and goutweed rock cakes. Wanna try some?
 * Player: Sure, they sound great.
 * Burntmeat: Here you go den!
 * It tastes like acid, and feels about as good going down.
 * Player: That was delicious. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for them in the future.
 * Burntmeat: Dat great! I give dis to all da trolls den.
 * Player: How about you, Grubfoot?
 * Grubfoot: Oldak help me use magic and we do some magic together. He help me make sphere of moving.
 * Player: That's great, did it work?
 * Grubfoot: Appeared in nursery. Matron not too happy about it. Working on better accuracy though.
 * Player: That was the worst thing I've ever eaten.
 * Burntmeat: You no like? Humans got such weird taste in food.
 * Player: How about you, Grubfoot?
 * Grubfoot: (Same as above).
 * Player: No thanks, I'll pass this time.
 * Burntmeat: It okay, humans are fussy eaters. You throw away all da good bits of cow and sheep.
 * Player: How about you, Grubfoot?
 * Grubfoot: (Same as above).
 * Player: What do you think of Bandos's death?
 * Grubfoot: Big High War God strong but seems big bird stronger. Cave goblins seem pretty happy about it though.
 * Burntmeat: Way of trolls is way of Bandos. We not change just because he gone.
 * My Arm: Wait, Big High War God is dead?
 * Burntmeat: Yes! 'Im die in war wiv big bird god!
 * My Arm: Oh, dat explain big tournament. Wondered what it was about. Terrible at current events, me.
 * Player: Do you know who my first opponent is?
 * My Arm: No. Zarador say 'im sending around a goblin to tell us.
 * Player: Enough questions.
 * My Arm: Dis must be de messenger from Zarador.
 * Goblin Messenger: Greetings, human! I bring you a message from the great Zarador! I have the information you need regarding your upcoming fight!
 * Player: Great, thanks!
 * Goblin Messenger: In the first round you will be fighting the goblin champion, Yelps. (Continues below).
 * Player: Wait, where are you from? You have an unusual accent for a goblin.
 * Goblin Messenger: Who, me? I am from the tribe of goblins that live in that stinking old village.
 * Player: What, the goblin village?
 * Goblin Messenger: Er... yes. I just call it the village because it is my village.
 * Player: I see.
 * Goblin Messenger: In the first round you will be fighting the goblin champion, Yelps.
 * Player: Who?
 * Grubfoot: Him famous goblin runt. Him uncover fabulous treasure beyond all dream, then give it away. Crazy in head. Also him tie self up and get beaten by humans. Not normal.
 * Goblin Messenger: He is certainly tough though, after all those beatings.
 * Player: So he has cash to buy awesome gear, and he's highly resistant to damage?
 * Goblin Messenger: You sum it up perfectly. I do not know how he became champion of the goblins though. Bandos despised him.
 * Player: That sure is a mystery.
 * Goblin Messenger: Anyway, you have the information, so I must head back to that fool Zarador. (Continues below).
 * Player: Wait, did you just say 'Bandos'?
 * Goblin Messenger: Me? No, I would never utter the name of the Big High War God. That would be blasphemous.
 * Burntmeat: I didn't 'ear 'im say that.
 * Goblin Messenger: See? Not even this fine troll gentleman heard what you think you heard.
 * Player: Hm...
 * Goblin Messenger: Anyway, you have the information, so I must head back to that fool Zarador.
 * My Arm: What you say?
 * Goblin Messenger: Er... Zarador needs me for other important duties. I must go.
 * Player: You called the Kyzaj Arbiter a fool.
 * Goblin Messenger: Well, he is! He has no right to exclude us from the tournament! He declared himself Arbiter! On whose authority?
 * Grubfoot: This not goblin. Him use fancy language!
 * Player: If you're no goblin, then what are you?
 * Human Infiltrator: Enough of this deception! I am a true Bandosian, no matter what Zarador and his lapdog Graardor might say. Bandos was my god and I fought valiantly for him on the field against Armadyl!
 * Player: But what are you doing here?
 * Human Infiltrator: If humans are denied access to this tournament, then the only truly Bandosian response is to prove our strength by force! Starting with you!

After defeating the human infiltrator.

 * My Arm: Check 'is body, 'e might 'ave somefin' on 'im.
 * Player: Let's see... a note!
 * My Arm: Aha!
 * Player: 'You have been provided with six goblin potions. Make sure you choose goblin type 3, the one with the big hat, so you can identify each other. Choose your five best men, infiltrate the Kyzaj tournament, and kill the champions. They are powerful, so do not engage them directly. Poison each of them. Do NOT fail. We must prove that the humans are worthy of the name of Bandos. P.S. Destroy this note, it is very incriminating'.
 * Burntmeat: Dat not sound good.
 * Player: I need to tell Zarador about this. Sounds like there are five more humans somewhere on Yu'biusk.
 * Grubfoot: Maybe it good if other champions get poisoned?
 * Player: No, the tournament has to proceed properly. If it doesn't, Zarador will just attack Dorgesh-Kaan again.
 * My Arm: Okay. We be here if you need us.
 * Burntmeat: Guardin' cookpot!

Talking to Grubfoot again

 * Grubfoot: Hasn't you got thing to do?
 * Player: I was going to see Zarador, wasn't I?

Talking to Burntmeat again

 * Burntmeat: Still guarding pot from humans!
 * Player: I was going to see Zarador, wasn't I?

Talking to My Arm again

 * My Arm: Back so soon?
 * Player: I was going to see Zarador, wasn't I?

The Infiltrators

 * Zarador: Thanks to a combination of your interference and Armadyl's treachery, I am now the busiest Bandosian. I don't need you wasting even more of my time.
 * Player: The human Bandosians are plotting to poison the tournament champions. They're disguised as goblins.
 * Zarador: Impossible. The humans were banished. They could never infiltrate Yu'biusk.
 * Player: The 'goblin' you sent to notify me about round one was a human. He was carrying this note.
 * Zarador: What!? But that means any of the goblins here could be a threat! You're going to have to deal with this. Humans are your species, you sort this out. If the tournament is disrupted, I'll resume our invasion of Dorgesh-Kaan immediately.
 * Player: I'll get right on it.
 * Zarador: And do try not to kill too many real goblins.
 * Player: Thanks for nothing.
 * Zarador: (Same as above).

Goblin by Zarador

 * Goblin: Go away.
 * Player: I need to ask you a couple of quick questions about your duties.
 * Goblin: I too important for questions. You leave.
 * (He's a human in disguise!)
 * (Leave the goblin alone.)

Killing an innocent goblin

 * Player: You're a human in disguise!
 * Goblin: Whyyyyyyyy?
 * Player: He'll turn back into a human any minute. ... Oh. Well, I guess I should go find the actual humans.

Ogre camp

 * Goblin: Welcome to ogres.
 * Player: I need to ask you a couple of quick questions about your duties.
 * Goblin: Better than more ogres I suppose.
 * Player: What can you tell me about ogres?
 * Goblin: They a bit like goblins but much bigger and not clever.
 * Player: Aren't they more like ourgs?
 * Goblin: Haha! Human funny. Ogres nothing like ourgs.
 * Player: What are you doing for the ogres?
 * Goblin: Supposed to watch them. Mostly just try not to get trod on.
 * Player: Are you really a human in disguise?
 * Goblin: That silly.
 * Player: There are human infiltrators in the camp, disguised as goblins, trying to poison the champions.
 * Goblin: You funny. Me think you drink lot of brown water.
 * Player: I'm not drunk. I'm being serious.
 * Goblin: Hey ogres! Human think goblins are humans! Haha!
 * Farkle: Haha!
 * (He's a human in disguise!)
 * (Leave the goblin alone.)

Ourg camp

 * Goblin: Me a goblin.
 * Player: I can see that.
 * Goblin: Good. Me want to make sure that clear.
 * Player: I need to ask you a couple of quick questions about your duties.
 * Goblin: Just so long as you remember me a goblin.
 * Player: So what's it like being a goblin?
 * Goblin: It okay. Hours not great.
 * Player: Tell me a secret goblin fact only a goblin would know.
 * Goblin: No! You try trick me! You no goblin, I no reveal goblin secrets!
 * Player: Are you really a human in disguise?
 * Goblin: Me a goblin.
 * Player: But you might be a human too.
 * Goblin: You no hear? Me a goblin.
 * Player: I understand that, but some humans in camp are disguised as goblins.
 * Goblin: Me. A. Goblin.
 * (He's a human in disguise!)
 * (Leave the goblin alone.)

Goblin guarding the secret weapon

 * Goblin Guard: Stop! I protect secret weapon for tournament! Who are you?
 * Player: I need to ask you a couple of quick questions about your duties.
 * Goblin Guard: As long as they are not about the secret weapon!
 * Player: What is this secret weapon?
 * Goblin Guard: It is for the final round, you are not allowed to know unless qualify.
 * Player: Why would we need a secret weapon?
 * Goblin Guard: Zarador has commanded it. Only General Graardor has seen it thus far.
 * Player: Graardor doesn't use weapons.
 * Goblin Guard: Yes, he does.
 * Player: Soldier! At attention!
 * Goblin Guard: Sir! Yes, sir!
 * Player: Are you really a human in disguise?
 * Goblin Guard: No, I am as much a goblin as the next fellow.
 * (He's a human in disguise!)
 * Player: No goblin is that well-spoken.
 * Goblin Guard: Er... mind 'ow you go, guvnor?
 * Player: Nice try.
 * Human Infiltrator: Then defend yourself, knave!
 * (Leave the goblin alone.)

After defeating a human infiltrator.

 * Player: That's another infiltrator dealt with, only 4/3/2/1 left.

Cyclops and hobgoblin camp

 * Goblin: Me taking care of the dumb races.
 * Player: I need to ask you a couple of quick questions about your duties.
 * Goblin: Be quick, me busy and important.
 * Player: What are you doing for the other races?
 * Goblin: They so stupid, they not understand simple talk.
 * Player: I know the feeling. How do you communicate with them?
 * Goblin: Me talk REALLY - LOUD - AND - SLOW.
 * Player: What do you think of the other races?
 * Goblin: They pretty useless. Mostly all gone now. Not as good at surviving as goblins.
 * Player: Are you really a human in disguise?
 * Goblin: Human couldn't do this job. Humans useless at diplomacy. Needs Goblin.
 * (He's a human in disguise!)
 * (Leave the goblin alone.)

Goblin at the crossroads

 * Goblin Guard: Wot?
 * Player: I need to ask you a couple of quick questions about your duties.
 * Goblin Guard: 'Kay.
 * Player: What are you doing here?
 * Goblin Guard: Nuffin'.
 * Player: You must have some kind of responsibility here.
 * Goblin Guard: No I ain't.
 * Player: Then why are you on Yu'biusk?
 * Goblin Guard: No reason.
 * Player: You must have some explanation.
 * Goblin Guard: Look would you just leave me alone, alright! I don't have to answer your questions!
 * Player: You seem particularly surly.
 * Goblin Guard: Eh.
 * Player: Even for a goblin you seem concise.
 * Goblin Guard: Meh.
 * Player: Don't you have any opinions on any subject?
 * Goblin Guard: No.
 * Player: Come on, just one little statement?
 * Goblin Guard: Will you stop your ceaseless prattling!
 * Player: Are you really a human in disguise?
 * Goblin Guard: Nah.
 * Player: Can you prove it?
 * Goblin Guard: No.
 * Player: Then why should I believe you?
 * Goblin Guard: Cos.
 * Player: That isn't a very good reason, is it?
 * Goblin Guard: It's none of your business! Go away!
 * (He's a human in disguise!)
 * Player: Trying to avoid saying much is a good strategy, but you should have thought up better answers.
 * Goblin Guard: Wot?
 * Player: Your little outbursts gave you away, human!
 * Human Infiltrator: This was a ridiculous assignment anyway!
 * (Leave the goblin alone.)

Ork camp

 * Goblin Ork: Me ork.
 * Player: You're a... goblin?
 * Goblin Ork: Me ork.
 * Player: Okay... I need to ask you a couple of quick questions about your duties.
 * Player: Why are you pretending to be an ork?
 * Goblin Ork: Big ork tell dis ork to be ork.
 * Player: Bork? What's he making you do?
 * Goblin Ork: Be ork.
 * Player: Anything more specific?
 * Goblin Ork: Sometimes me make orky sounds, but mostly just stand here.
 * Player: Is it easy being green?
 * Goblin Ork: Is hard being an ork. Is much easier pretending to be a goblin.
 * Player: Are you really a human in disguise?
 * Goblin Ork: Nah, I'm a goblin in disguise ain't I?
 * Player: You could be a human, pretending to be a goblin, pretending to be an ork!
 * Goblin Ork: Youse talking crazy talk.
 * (He's a human in disguise!)
 * Player: How could you possibly think anyone was going to fall for this?
 * Goblin Ork: Uh... me ork?
 * Player: You're not helping.
 * Human Infiltrator: So be it!
 * (Leave the goblin alone.)

Goblin Cleaner

 * Goblin Cleaner: We is but a humble goblin cleaner, dearest, yes, tasked with setting up and cleanings the campses.
 * Player: I need to ask you a couple of quick questions about your duties.
 * Goblin Cleaner: We can answer its questionses, can't we dearest?
 * Player: Isn't the camp set up already?
 * Goblin Cleaner: Oh no, dearest, the campses needs more furnitures in them to make the peoples happy, yes.
 * Player: Do goblins even have furniture?
 * Goblin Cleaner: Of course they does, silly! What does it thinks they are, trollses?
 * Player: A goblin... cleaning?
 * Goblin Cleaner: When we arrived here it was all dusties, yes it was dearest.
 * Player: It has been a while since anyone set foot here.
 * Goblin Cleaner: Yes, dearest, exactlies.
 * Player: Are you really a human in disguise?
 * Goblin Cleaner: What's it saying, dearest? It thinks we're a filthy spy, yes. But we're not, no!
 * Player: What tribe do you belong to?
 * Goblin Cleaner: We's from the Pointiest Stickses tribe, yes.
 * (He's a human in disguise!)
 * Player: Your impression of a goblin is terrible! I know you're a human.
 * Human Infiltrator: Fine! You've uncovered me, but why are you betraying your own kind?
 * Player: This tournament has to happen to save the Dorgeshuun.
 * Human Infiltrator: Then die!
 * Player: You're an idiot, and unworthy to be a Bandosian.
 * Human Infiltrator: (Same as above).
 * (Leave the goblin alone.)

Goblin by the High Priest

 * Goblin: Me busy with high priest stuff. What you want?
 * Player: I need to ask you a couple of quick questions about your duties.
 * Goblin: It important?
 * Player: Very important.
 * Goblin: Okie then.
 * Player: What do you do for the high priest?
 * Goblin: High priest want foot bath. High priest want frog burger. High Priest want me to stand in sun, make shade. Me no like this place.
 * Player: What do you think of the high priest?
 * Goblin: High priest is very important goblin. Much more important than me. Me think very highly of him. So highly.
 * Player: Are you really a human in disguise?
 * Goblin: No. Me scared of humans. They steal I spear.
 * (He's a human in disguise!)
 * (Leave the goblin alone.)

Troll camp

 * Goblin Guard: Me name Trowel. Me be guarding this goutweed.
 * Player: I need to ask you a couple of quick questions about your duties.
 * Goblin Guard: Me glad to tell you about them.
 * Player: Where have you been getting the goutweed from?
 * Goblin Guard: It grown up in Trollheim of course.
 * Player: Oh yes, I forgot all the lush farmland up in Trollheim.
 * Player: Why is your name Trowel?
 * Goblin Guard: It name since it the first thing me eat. Me eat trowel so name Trowel.
 * Player: Are you really a human in disguise?
 * Goblin Guard: Me not a human! Me have many non-human characteristics!
 * (He's a human in disguise!)
 * Player: Why do you have a troll name?
 * Goblin Guard: Cos me a troll.
 * Player: You're disguised as a goblin, not a troll.
 * Human Infiltrator: Blast! And after I put all that research into it!
 * (Leave the goblin alone.)

When you've defeated all the infiltrators.

 * Player: That's all of the infiltrators, I should return to Zarador.

Reporting back to Zarador

 * Zarador: Well? Have you dealt with the rest of your miserable kind?
 * Player: The threat is no more. I've taken care of all the disguised humans.
 * Player: (If you killed some actual goblins). There may have been a few goblin casualties along the way. In my defence, they did seem pretty suspicious.
 * Zarador: That is of no concern.
 * Zarador: Well?
 * Player: What?
 * Zarador: Why are you still standing here?
 * Player: That's a bit anticlimactic.
 * Zarador: As far as I'm concerned, you've succeeded in cleaning up after yourself - nothing more. Have you forgotten that you are about to fight in the Kyzaj Tournament? Your first fight will be against Yelps, the champion of the goblins. Make sure you're ready, and speak to me when you want to begin.
 * Player: I was hoping for a reward.

Round One: Yelps

 * Zarador: Your first battle will be against the goblin champion, Yelps. The special rule for this round is that you may bring in as many goblin minions as you like.
 * Player: What?! But I don't have any goblin minions!
 * Zarador: Well that is unfortunate, but your lack of diplomatic ability is not the responsibility of the Kyzaj. You could always bring in Zanik.
 * Player: If Zanik sets foot on Yu'biusk, you'll kill her! I will fight Yelps and his minions alone!
 * Zarador: As you wish. Are you ready to begin?
 * Player: Just bring it!
 * Player: I need to prepare.

Let the battle begin!

 * General Wartface: Welcome everyone to Kyzaj Tournament!
 * General Bentnoze: It best tournament ever!
 * General Wartface: All best races fighting to decide who best of best.
 * General Bentnoze: Got packed crowd here today for round one!
 * General Wartface: Today, goblin champion Yelps fight!
 * General Bentnoze: No one sure why Yelps goblin champion. Probably cos him disposable!
 * General Wartface: Who Yelps fighting?
 * General Bentnoze: Human champion! Player! Not human, cave goblin!
 * General Wartface: That not look anything like cave goblin. Not green for a start.
 * General Bentnoze: Human fight for cave goblin.
 * General Wartface: That crazy! Never seen anything like it! Me not even know what happening!
 * General Bentnoze: That cos you stupid. You do whole commentary wrong.
 * General Wartface: You the stupid one! Still, this amazing opening round of Kyzaj!
 * General Bentnoze: Amazingly stupid!
 * General Wartface: Round about to start!
 * Zarador: It is time for the Kyzaj! Let none doubt the outcome of this sacred battle! The blood about to be spilled is spilled for Bandos! The bones about to be broken are broken for Bandos! FIGHT!

Yelps's fate

 * Zarador: Enough!
 * Kill.
 * Yelps: What are you doing? I'll give you all the spin tickets! All of 'em! Noooo!
 * General Bentnoze: I can't hardly believe it. Dumb-dumb Yelps is gone.
 * General Wartface: Finally!
 * General Bentnoze: A winner is Player. It strong start, but other champions who isn't stupid awaiting!
 * Spare.
 * Yelps: You're a diamond geezer, mate. 'Ere's a little somethin' to say thanks.
 * General Bentnoze: Dumb-dumb Yelps walk away alive!
 * General Wartface: Me can't believe anyone would spare that stupid-head.
 * General Bentnoze: Maybe this sign that Player not cut out for way of Big High War God.

After the battle

 * Zarador: You have prevailed. You exceed my very meagre expectations, but Yelps was hardly a serious contender. We will see how you fare in the next round against a real opponent.
 * Player: I'd better check in with Zanik.

Talking to Graardor

 * General Graardor: So you beat puny goblin! Haha! Graardor beat puny goblin for breakfast and lunch and dinner already and it not even noon!

Talking to Bork

 * Bork: The others may mock your success in defeating the goblin, but to survive even one round is a praiseworthy accomplishment.

Dorgeshuun camp

 * Burntmeat: You did it! I wus worried dere for a second.
 * My Arm: I knew that Player had it. Yelps is no match for human friend. You can rest here and use da bank chest. Burntmeat's cauldron will recover all da troubles you get from the last round.
 * Grubfoot: Except funny tummy. It make that worse.
 * My Arm: Zanik still outside portal on Gilly-nor. You go talk to her, make sure she okay. If she die, you forfeit tournament.

Talking to Yelps (if you spared him)

 * Yelps: I really do appreciate you letting me live, y'know.

Talking to Dad

 * Dad: So you beat goblin, but now you up against troll.

Talking to Lol

 * Lol: Hope you ready for rock in face, human. Time to fight Lol!

Talking to the goblin by the portal

 * Goblin Maitre d': Me cheering for you. Go cave human!

Talking to Zanik

 * Player: Everything okay?
 * Zanik: How did your first round go?
 * Player: It was against the goblin champion, Yelps. I won.
 * Zanik: Did you kill him?
 * (If you killed Yelps).
 * Player: Yes, to impress the Bandosians.
 * Player: Yes, to honour Bandos.
 * Player: Yes, he was really annoying.
 * Zanik: You take life so readily. Maybe you belong with the Bandosians.
 * Player: Anyway, how are you feeling? (Continues below).
 * (If you spared Yelps).
 * Player: No, I won't kill if I can help it.
 * Zanik: I'm pleased to hear you say that. Being among the Bandosians clearly hasn't affected you.
 * Player: Anyway, how are you feeling?
 * Zanik: I'm tired, Player. I'm tired of being hunted. I'm tired of this old, dead god hurting me and my friends.
 * Player: We'll get through this together.
 * Zanik: Thank you for saying so. It's so strange to be standing here where he died and yet still in such danger.
 * Player: Whatever happens, you're my friend, Zanik.
 * Zanik: And you are mine, Player. I was worried I wouldn't see you again before the end.
 * Player: We're not at the end yet. I still plan to win this thing.
 * Zanik: Thank you so much for everything you've done. For my people... and for me. No matter what, you will always be my friend. Oh! But I've kept you too long. The second round should be starting soon. You are needed on Yu'biusk. I'll contact you through Grubfoot if anything happens.
 * Player: We've had some adventures, but I am loyal to Bandos.
 * Player: I need to get back to the tournament.
 * Player: You opposed a god, what did you expect?
 * Player: I need to get back to the tournament.
 * Player: No, I pitied him.
 * Zanik: I've heard of him. He did seem like a disturbed little goblin. Maybe he can find a new life.
 * Player: Anyway, how are you feeling? (Continues above).
 * Player: No, I like him.
 * Zanik: Well...each to their own, I suppose. I'm glad you didn't kill him, though.
 * Player: Anyway, how are you feeling? (Continues above).

Dorgeshuun camp after talking to Zanik)

 * (When talking to any of them)
 * Player: I'd better see Zarador about the next round.

Round Two: Lol

 * Zarador: Your second battle will be against the troll champion, Lol. The special rule for this round is that you may not wear any armour.
 * Player: What?! But trolls have naturally rock-hard skin!
 * Zarador: It is not the responsibility of the Kyzaj that your race has weak and easily punctured skin. Are you ready to begin?
 * Player: Just bring it!
 * Player: I need to prepare.

Grubfoot

 * Grubfoot: Lol is serious business. He massive. You watch out.

Burntmeat

 * Burntmeat: Lol dad friend of my dad. Lol is not friend of Burntmeat though.

My Arm

 * My Arm: Met Lol once when was little. He push me over. You beat him.

Let the battle begin!

 * General Wartface: Human made it to second round! How he/she do that?
 * General Bentnoze: Fight against stupid Yelps in first round! Anyway, not human, cave goblin.
 * General Wartface: That right, cave goblin human! Anyway, who cave human fighting?
 * General Bentnoze: It troll champion, name of Lol!
 * General Wartface: Lol what? That name stupid!
 * General Bentnoze: Not as stupid as you! At least troll good in fight, not like you!
 * General Wartface: Me can throw big rocks just as well as troll! If me down there, goblins win easily!
 * General Bentnoze: No way! You even weaker than Yelps!
 * General Wartface: Me punch you in mouth!
 * General Bentnoze: Wait! Round about to start!
 * Zarador: It is time for the Kyzaj! Let none doubt the outcome of this sacred battle! The blood about to be spilled is spilled for Bandos! The bones about to be broken are broken for Bandos! FIGHT!

Lol's fate

 * Zarador: Enough!
 * Kill.
 * Lol: Trolls will have Burthorpe, den tha world!
 * General Wartface: Troll goes down!
 * General Bentnoze: I'm like lol!
 * General Wartface: What that even mean?
 * General Bentnoze: I dunno but it sound funny!
 * General Wartface: Cave human Player goes through to next round!
 * Spare.
 * Lol: You kill my bruvver, but spare me? Don't fink I'll be grateful for this. Burthorpe still gonna fall.
 * General Wartface: Player spares life of troll!
 * General Bentnoze: What this even mean?!
 * General Wartface: Me no idea! It just another crazy, crazy round in Kyzaj Tournament!
 * General Bentnoze: Cave human goes through to next round!

After the battle

 * Zarador: You have prevailed again. I did not expect you to make it this far.
 * Player: I'm glad to have disappointed you.
 * Zarador: You misunderstand me.
 * Zarador: (If you sided with Armadyl in the World Event or did not participate in it). I had placed you with the other worthless humans.
 * Zarador: (If you sided with Bandos in the World Event). I had placed you with the other worthless humans who lost the war for us.
 * Zarador: With your performance so far, you have proven me wrong. Your place in the final is well and justly earned.
 * Player: Thanks.
 * Zarador: More than that, though... I thought this tournament was a waste of time. I know you were only trying to delay us. But now we are here, now that Bandos's people are assembled... I am glad of it. Revenge was never Bandos's objective. His wrath was tremendous, but it was always the conquest, the war that drove him. Ultimately the Dorgeshuun are not that important. They are weak, yes, but crushing the weak is not as important as battling the strong. You are demonstrating that very fact here at the tournament. It is an inspiring lesson. There is one last test ahead of you. We will see if you are truly worthy. Before that, though, I must explain the rules of the final round. I didn't bother earlier, because no one expected you to make it. The Kyzaj Tournament is named for its final round, which is always fought using Bandos's most sacred weapon, the Kyzaj. For its duration, this is the only weapon that may be used.
 * Player: How am I supposed to fight with a weapon I've never heard of before?
 * Zarador: You could try training with it.
 * Player: Who am I fighting against?
 * Zarador: Who else? Graardor. He first wielded the Kyzaj thousands of years before you were even born, and it was his expertise with the blade that earned him his rank. At this point I would consider either of you to be a worthy victor.
 * Player: Enough questions, give me the Kyzaj so I can practice with it.
 * Zarador: Here you are. Try not to be intimidated. It is heavier than you are.
 * Zarador ceremoniously hands you an immense bladed weapon in the shape of Banods's symbol.
 * Zarador: When you are sufficiently confident in your ability to use it, return to me and we will commence the final round.
 * Player: Zanik might know something about this weapon. I should check with her.

Talking to Graardor

 * General Graardor: So you through to the final round? Now you get crushed by me personally. That bottom line, cos Graardor said so.

Talking to Bork

 * Bork: Graardor has defeated me, and now it falls to you to defeat him in turn or die trying.

Talking to your allies

 * Player: Look at this!
 * My Arm: Dat big weapon for human!
 * Player: It's the ceremonial weapon of Bandos. I have to use it to fight Graardor in the finale. Do you have any idea of how to wield it?
 * Burntmeat: Maybe just hit things wiv it?
 * Grubfoot: If this weapon of Big High War God, maybe Zanik know. She share head with him.
 * Player: Good idea. Is she still outside the portal on Gielinor?
 * Grubfoot: Yeah, she still lurking about.

Talking to Yelps (if you spared him)

 * Yelps: Don't tell anyone, but I'm rooting for you.

Talking to Dad

 * Dad: So you beat troll, but you never beat Graardor.

Talking to Lol (if you spared him)

 * Lol: Don't speak to me, human. Not only you beat me, but you save me. Should have killed me.

Talking to Zanik

 * Zanik: What are you doing back here? Don't you have a tournament to win?
 * You hold the Kyzaj up to show Zanik.
 * Zanik: I know that weapon. I have seen it in my dreams!
 * Zanik runs her hand along the flat of the blade.
 * Zanik: It is shaped in the symbol of Bandos. I must be recalling it from his memories. Why have you brought it here?
 * Player: I have to fight General Graardor with it in the final. I was hoping you could tell me how to use it.
 * Zanik: Perhaps. The process of accessing Bandos's memories is not easy, though.
 * Player: How are you feeling?
 * Zanik: Tired. I don't think I have long left. I want to see you win the tournament, and my people safe. After that, it doesn't matter what happens to me. I am grateful for what you're doing.
 * Player: What's it like, accessing Bandos's memories?
 * Zanik: I experience his memories as he did, feeling the way he felt. It is sickening, to revel in death and pain as he did. Exhausting, too. The memories come to me as dreams every night, but with effort I can summon them while awake. It is not something I would normally choose to do.
 * Player: I need you to tell me about the Kyzaj.
 * Zanik: Yes. Winning the tournament is the highest priority. You may find this distressing.
 * Player: Zanik?
 * Zanik: I see it. The Kyzaj. It was made by the ourgs. Bandos made them, and they honoured him in return by forging a weapon as brutal as they were. Their battles to the death with the weapon pleased him immensely. Even the victor typically suffered terrible wounds. Its shape became the symbol of his power. When he invaded Gielinor, the symbol he branded his soldiers with was modelled on the weapon.
 * Player: But how do I use it?

Learning to use the Kyzaj

 * Zanik: Hold it vertically against your body with the axe-like part at the top. Take the weight of it with the lower hand and manoeuvre it with the upper hand. Yes! Good. That isn't how the ourgs wield them, but then the ourgs are much bigger. That's how the smaller races use them. It's heavier than you're used to, so widen your stance a little for stability.
 * Player: Like this?
 * Zanik: Yes, good. Now a taller wielder would strike with the whole of the blade, but you'll have to make quicker strikes with the protruding axe part.
 * Player: I think I've got the hang of it.
 * Zanik: Good, then you can return to Zarador and finish this.

Talking to Zanik again

 * Zanik: I can look after myself. Focus on Graardor. If anything does happen, I'll contact you through Grubfoot.

The Final Round: General Graardor

 * Zarador: Are you ready to fight Graardor? Can you use the Kyzaj?
 * Player: Just bring it!
 * Player: I need to prepare.

Grubfoot

 * Grubfoot: Got pro tip for fight. You try not to get smashed. Go get 'im!

Burntmeat

 * Burntmeat: You had good run so far, but Graardor gonna smash you. Sorry, you got no chance.

My Arm

 * My Arm: Dis big fight! Hope you ready! Graardor mean business.

Let the battle begin!

 * General Bentnoze: This final round! What you think of Kyzaj Tournament so far, Wartface?
 * General Wartface: It be full of thrills and spills! Who would have thought cave human get to final round?
 * General Bentnoze: That right! Cave human far tougher than expected.
 * General Wartface: Other finalist no surprise to anyone. Him smash round one, then him smash round two.
 * General Bentnoze: Him smash everyone! When him finish smash human, me think him smash more people here just for fun of it! Him probably even smash arena!
 * General Wartface: Him the ourg with the um what rhyme with ourg?
 * General Bentnoze: Smash?
 * General Wartface: Close enough! Him the ourg with the smash!
 * General Bentnoze: The lost frozen leader!
 * General Wartface: The ancient one from the time of much fighting!
 * General Bentnoze: The almost last of him race!
 * General Wartface: The smasher of cave humans!
 * General Bentnoze: GENERAAAAAAAAAL... GRAAAAAAAARDOOOOOOOOOR!
 * General Graardor: At last, Graardor come back to Yu'biusk!
 * Zarador: It is time for the Kyzaj! Let none doubt the outcome of this sacred battle! The blood about to be spilled is spilled for Bandos! The bones about to be broken are broken for Bandos! FIGHT!

Zanik's fate

 * Zarador: Enough!
 * Zarador throws Zanik onto the arena.
 * Zarador: Player is victorious! But before I declare the chosen of Bandos... According to the old ways, the losing finalist must live, to serve as lieutenant to the winner. But this is a very special Kyzaj Tournament, and we will commemorate it with bloodshed!
 * General Bentnoze: Who that goblin?
 * General Wartface: Me no recognise!
 * Zarador: Zanik! A cowardly cave goblin, afraid to fight, but not too afraid to betray her own god on the eve of his triumphant return!
 * General Bentnoze: Boooo!
 * General Wartface: Boooo!
 * Zarador: Zanik is a traitor and a weakling. She deserves death. Player! With the strength displayed in this tournament, you have proven yourself a true adherent of Bandosian ideals. Now I give you the opportunity to demonstrate your commitment to our cause. Kill Zanik.
 * General Wartface: That unexpected!
 * General Bentnoze: Me not see that coming!
 * General Wartface: But Zanik cave goblin champion!
 * General Bentnoze: If cave human kill Zanik, cave human get disqualified!
 * General Wartface: That right! And Graardor win!
 * General Bentnoze: But if cave human let Zanik live, Zanik become chosen of Bandos!
 * Player: What in the world is going on?
 * Zarador: Zanik is an enemy of Bandos. She is personally responsible for his defeat. Unlike you, she has not proven her might in sanctified combat. In the name of Bandos, she must die. I am offering you this honour.
 * Player: What happens if she dies?
 * Zarador: As our talkative commentators noted, you are Zanik's trained beast. If she dies, you will indeed be eliminated from the tournament. However, all will know your true devotion to Bandos and your honour as the strongest.
 * Player: So what, Graardor becomes leader?
 * Zarador: That is correct. But with Zanik dead, Graardor will have no need to attack Dorgesh-Kaan.
 * General Graardor: That right. Graardor not bother to smash cave if cave girl dead.
 * Player: What would you do instead?
 * General Graardor: Godsword still need finishing. Now more than ever. Probably spend most of time there.
 * Player: What happens if she lives?
 * Zarador: Then she will become chosen of Bandos and our leader. I urge you not to take this course of action. She is a coward, a traitor and a weakling. She is no leader.
 * Player: And Graardor becomes her lieutenant.
 * General Graardor: I will not follow cave girl! No matter what!
 * Zarador: Graardor...
 * General Graardor: Politics! Not way of Bandos! If cave girl lead, I take whatever forces still loyal and return to fight for Godsword!
 * Player: Enough questions. I need to speak to Zanik.
 * Player: Zanik?
 * Zanik: I don't want to die. But I'm going to die anyway. Maybe my death would assuage their bloodlust, but will you be able to live with yourself afterwards?
 * Player: What will you do if you live?
 * Zanik: What a morbid question. As chosen of Bandos, I will do everything I can to curb the destructive impulses of the remaining Bandosians. If I can, I'll encourage them to stay on Yu'biusk.
 * Player: What do you think I should do?
 * Zanik: What kind of question is that? You should let me live! If you don't murder me, I'll become chosen of Bandos and we can accomplish what we came here to do. What possible reason do you have for murdering me in cold blood?
 * Player: I'm ready.
 * General Wartface: What you think cave human do?
 * General Bentnoze: Cave human coward stupid. Probably spare cave goblin.
 * General Wartface: Me think cave human kill her!
 * (Kill Zanik.)
 * (Spare Zanik.)
 * Really spare Zanik?
 * (Yes, she must live.)
 * (No, I need to reconsider.)

Sparing Zanik

 * Zarador: You disappoint me, Player. I thought you had learned something from all this. I see now that I was mistaken. You are a coward and a weakling like all your kind. Nevertheless, I will not betray the ways of the Big High War God in this of all places. Blood has been spilled and glory has been won! Zanik has been chosen by the Kyzaj!
 * General Bentnoze: Booo!
 * General Wartface: Boo- no, wait stupid! Zanik new leader!
 * General Bentnoze: Oh that right. Hail mighty leader!
 * Zanik: I've been rehearsing this in my head. Here we go... Hear me, brave peoples of Yu'biusk. I am Zanik, chosen commander of the Big High War God! Our god is dead. Our world is dead. Our way of life is dead. But we will not embarass ourselves any longer with futile attacks on weaklings! Those of you who are strong will join me here on Yu'biusk! We will do as Bandos would have wanted! We will test our strength, or we will die trying!

After the speech

 * Zarador: You fought well in the tournament. You refused the opportunity I offered you, but... maybe I was wrong about Zanik. She is the Chosen Commander, after all, and what she says makes a lot of sense.
 * Player: Where's Graardor?
 * Zarador: He has refused to accept Zanik's authority. He and his most loyal followers have returned to the Temple of Lost Ancients.
 * Player: I wanted to be in charge.
 * Zarador: It could never have happened. They would never have accepted a human as their leader.
 * Player: Goobdye.
 * Zarador: When you're finished on Yu'biusk, speak to Zanik before you return to the Dorgeshuun.

The Final Goodbye

 * Zanik: Hello, Player.
 * Player: How's being leader? Enjoying it?
 * Zanik: It's not exactly how I imagined things would end. It's better than being dead, and at least Dorgesh-Kaan is safe.
 * Player: What are you going to do now?
 * Zanik: I'm going to round up as many of the Bandosians as possible, and I'm going to lead them out into Yu'biusk.
 * Player: But this place is deadly! You won't survive!
 * Zanik: Well, it's been a long time since the great wars. The land is starting to recover. Perhaps somewhere out there is a habitable place. Regardless, I'm not letting the Bandosians threaten Gielinor or Dorgesh-Kaan again. This is the end of their story. A lot of them are really looking forward to it. Yu'biusk is like a holy land and the idea that they could live here again is very appealing.
 * Player: How are you feeling?
 * Zanik: You know, I actually feel better. Maybe it's something in the air, or the lingering presence of Bandos. I seem to be getting stronger rather than weaker.
 * Player: So you're going to stay here, then?
 * Zanik: Yes, and we won't see each other again. I can't stay in contact with Gielinor. An army of goblins is too tempting a target for one of the other gods to try and recruit. Remember me. I will remember you. We humbled a god together. I lived my life in a cave, dreaming of adventure. Now I'm outside, going on one final adventure. There's a whole ruined civilisation out there. Maybe I'll even live long enough to uncover some of it.
 * Player: Then this is goodbye, then.
 * Zanik: Goodbye, Player. When you're finished on Yu'biusk, please, return to Ur-tag and let him know what has happened. Wish him well for me.
 * Player: See ya!

Talking to Bork

 * Bork: A very interesting outcome. Hardly what I was expecting.

Talking to Burntmeat

 * Burntmeat: I knew you do it. I have absolute confidence in friend Player.

Talking to My Arm

 * My Arm: Yeah! You winner! My Arm is friend of winner!

Talking to Yelps (if you spared him)

 * Yelps: You did it! I knew you could do it!

Talking to Dad

 * Dad: So you beat Graardor, but you not as tough as Dad.
 * Player: I'll never win with you, will I?

Talking to the goblin by the portal

 * Goblin Maitre d': You win! This why me cheer for you! You have look of winner!

Finishing up

 * Ur-tag: Welcome back! Grubfoot told us what happened. It saddens me that we won't be seeing Zanik again, but it sounds like you both did the best you could. Dorgesh-Kaan is no longer under attack. Once again, you have saved us.
 * Player: She asked me to wish you well.
 * Ur-tag: And I the same to her. Wherever she ends up, whatever she finds out there on Yu'biusk, I hope she finds peace.

Ur-tag

 * Player: I want to talk about the Kyzaj Tournament.
 * Ur-tag: Yes. Thank you again. You did everything you could and we are safer because of it.
 * Player: How are things going?
 * Ur-tag: I was concerned to hear that Graardor rejected Zanik's authority, but we've not had any trouble. The Bandosians cleared out almost immediately and haven't returned. They don't seem interested in us any more. There's always the possibility that they'll come after us again, but we're working on better ways to block their access.
 * Player: What do you think about Zanik?
 * Ur-tag: I can only hope that she finds peace on Yu'biusk, one way or the other. Thank you for giving her that opportunity.
 * Player: Goobye.

Grubfoot

 * Grubfoot: Was all good fun wasn't it? Seen old world of legend. Home of Big High War God! Pretty amazing. Stinks there though. Nice to come back to Dorgesh-city.
 * Player: How are you doing?
 * Grubfoot: Doing okay. Still not got hang of movey sphere. Work hard though.
 * Player: You didn't go with Zanik?
 * Grubfoot: No that crazy. Old world dangerous. I no think those goblins make it.
 * Player: Goodbye.

Oldak

 * Player: I want to talk about the Kyzaj Tournament.
 * Oldak: Yes! I'm glad to see that our city was once again not destroyed.
 * Player: How's it going?
 * Oldak: All is well indeed. I've recently had the opportunity to work with dwarven technology and I can see real benefits to our people in ten, maybe twenty years.
 * Player: What do you think about Zanik?
 * Oldak: I fear young Zanik has let her optimism get the best of her. There is no way she can survive on Yu'biusk. She, and her followers, are likely already dead.
 * Player: Goodbye.

My Arm

 * Player: I want to talk to you about the Kyzaj.
 * My Arm: Haw haw! Was great! Never seen anyfing like dat! Hope dey put on anuvva one soon.
 * Player: You didn't go with Zanik?
 * My Arm: Naw. It sounds like pretty good adventure but I couldn't just leave. Dese herbs might die if I done that.
 * Player: Goodbye.

Wartface and Bentnoze

 * Player: I want to talk about the Kyzaj Tournament.
 * General Bentnoze: Hey look! It cave human!
 * General Wartface: I can see that, dumb-dumb.
 * General Bentnoze: You dumb-dumb!
 * Player: What did you think of the tournament?
 * General Bentnoze: It great! Except for Wartface. Him ruin commentary with stupid talk.
 * General Wartface: Me have best commentary. You stupid.
 * General Bentnoze: Hope there another tournament so can do commentary again without Wartface.
 * General Wartface: Me working on catchphrase: 'IT SLOBBERKNOCKER!' Need work me think.
 * General Bentnoze: That worst catchphrase. You worst at commentating.
 * General Wartface: You worst at everything!
 * Player: You didn't go with Zanik?
 * General Wartface: Was gonna. Then Bentnoze say he go. Clearly going stupid.
 * General Bentnoze: That not right! You tell story wrong stupid!
 * General Wartface: So me stay. But then Bentnoze stay as well. So me punch Bentnoze.
 * General Bentnoze: Real story is, Wartface is dumb-dumb: punch Bentnoze for no reason.
 * General Wartface: So me punch Bentnoze right back. Lots of punching, then fell asleep.
 * General Bentnoze: When we wake up, Chosen Commander already left. So came back to village instead.
 * Player: Goodbye.

Yelps (if you spared him)

 * Yelps: Hey, if it isn't my favourite human! How ya doing?
 * Player: I'm good. What are you doing in the Goblin Village?
 * Yelps: I got a job as Wartface and Bentnoze's manservant. Since Grubfoot left for Dorgesh-Kaan they've been doing their own cooking and cleaning and it has not worked well, let me tell you. It's good honest work, but to be honest I miss the pomp and the razzmatazz of the game show scene! I've heard there are a couple of fellows who do some sort of show in some sort of pit. I thought I might apply there.

Zarador

 * Zarador: Welcome back to Yu'biusk. I trust it finds you well.
 * Player: I want to talk about rewards.
 * Player: I'd like to exchange my Kyzaj.
 * Player: Goodbye.
 * Player: I want to ask you about something.
 * Player: I want to ask about the tournament.
 * Zarador: Glorious! Even your performance anxiety at the end couldn't spoil it.
 * Player: You didn't go with Zanik?
 * Zarador: No. Her willingness to embrace her role as the Chosen Commander surprised and pleased me, and I applaud her intention to reclaim our homeworld. But someone must remain to remember Bandos and his ways. Humbly, I am the most knowledgeable one left.
 * Player: Are you planning any more tournaments?
 * Zarador: Not in the near future, no. The Kyzaj has spoken.
 * Player: How is Graardor doing?
 * Zarador: He refused to acknowledge Zanik's authority and many who were loyal to him have followed him. He has returned to the Temple of Lost Ancients. We are now a godly faction without a god, and he believes that only with the godsword can we face the other factions.
 * Player: I want to talk about something else.
 * Player: I want to ask about Bandos.
 * Zarador: A great loss to this universe. He was a being of unparallelled vision.
 * Player: Do you know of his origin?
 * Zarador: Only what he told me. He was the greatest warrior of the perfect warrior race. Ultimately he outgrew them all and by his own force of will ascended to godhood. His is an inspiring tale of what can be accomplished.
 * Player: What was he like in the final days?
 * Zarador: When it became clear that we were losing the war, he began to speak to me as he had not before. He spoke of Yu'biusk, and that he regretted what he saw as his mistakes there. I assured him that Yu'biusk was his to do with as he pleased. He spoke of the people of Yu'biusk, and he pondered what he had done to them. I assured him that we were proud and joyous to serve at his feet once more, no matter what came. He spoke of the doom of his own people, long ago. I assured him that their role in history had been as the crucible in which he was forged, for which we were ever thankful. Finally he spoke of Guthix, and the trickster god's treacherous acts, and of how ultimately all the ills of Yu'biusk and Gielinor could be lain at Guthix's feet.
 * Player: I want to talk about something else.
 * Player: I want to ask about Yu'biusk.
 * Player: You're still here? Isn't it dangerous?
 * Zarador: I am not here all the time. Often when you are not here I am back on Gielinor. I do feel like I'm acclimatising though. Ourgs are naturally adaptable.
 * Player: Tell me about the people of Yu'biusk.
 * Zarador: Bandos was gifted with unparallelled vision. While authoritarian halfwits like Saradomin seek only to rule over what exists, Bandos sought so much more. It was not enough to be worshipped by the flawed creations he found in the universe. Bandos was born of a perfect warrior race and required followers who approached that perfection. To this end he took the native peoples of Yu'biusk and over many thousands of years bred them as you may have seen humans breed animals, to encourage different characteristics.
 * Player: Go on.
 * Zarador: (Continues below).
 * Player: Is that not degrading?
 * Zarador: To be the direct result of the divine plan of a god? No. You are without purpose or meaningful origin. I am a holy thing. At first he divided the population into the larger, slower breeds and the smaller, faster ones. These two were then further split until he had goblins, trolls, ogres, orks, ourgs, cyclopes and so on. Countless other species have been forgotten. Ultimately they were weak and of no use, and so it is only right that such uselessness is lost to us.
 * Player: I want to talk about something else.
 * Player: I want to ask about ourgs.
 * Player: What exactly are ourgs?
 * Zarador: We are the apex of Bandos's divine work to reshape life. Stronger, smarter and more loyal than any of the other peoples of Yu'biusk. Ultimately our perfection was our undoing as a species. With a handful of exceptions, my people fought bitterly and to the last even in the seemingly permanent absence of our god.
 * Player: Are you and Graardor the last ourgs?
 * Zarador: To my knowledge, yes. Graardor is a revered relic from a past age. I am the last of a dwindled people.
 * Player: Where did you come from?
 * Zarador: The ourgs were not wiped out in the God Wars as many believe, but only a handful of our shamans survived. The last of them retreated to a hidden vale, believing it was more important to preserve the lores of their god than to die in battle as so many others had done. There they lived down through the centuries in seclusion, but they were broken and dispirited and their numbers dwindled until in the final generation only one was born. Me. The elders passed on their knowledge of Bandos and his ways, and when the last of them died I left the vale and lived amongst each of the other peoples of Yu'biusk. It was from them that I learned to be a warrior and then an engineer. It was amongst them that I first felt the eye of Bandos on me and drew his attention with the clever use of cannon. I realised that my ancestors had been wrong to hide, but that without their error I would not exist and I would not be there at my god's side on his final battlefield.
 * Player: Why do you speak so differently to Graardor?
 * Zarador: Zarador speak good! It is simply a matter of upbringing. I was raised by frail weaklings, and Graardor was raised amongst the greatest army Gielinor has ever seen. Had you noticed that Bork is also well-spoken? I wonder what his story is.
 * Player: I want to talk about something else.
 * Player: I want to talk about something else.
 * Player: Goodbye.