Throne of Miscellania/Transcript

In Search of a Hero

 * Guard: Halt! Who goes there?
 * Player: My name is [Fremennik Name], will you not let me through?
 * Guard: I'm afraid the King won't give an audience to anyone except a worthy hero.
 * Player: I am a member of the Heroes' Guild; does that not show my worth?
 * Guard: Then you may pass.


 * King Vargas: Who are you? Who seeks audience with the King of this fair land of Miscellania?
 * Player: I am known in these lands as [Fremennik Name], Your Majesty. I come in search of a quest.
 * King Vargas: Ah, it pleases me to see such enthusiasm. I was once an adventurer such as yourself; even while fulfilling my duties as King of Miscellania, I would roam the lands in search of adventure, and strike down mighty foes with a single blow! Unfortunately, I was a little too daring, and attempted to brave the icelands, where I finally met my match. I survived, barely, but I was cursed for the rest of my life to stay in this form. Which leaves me incapable of performing my duties as ruler. This is why I am looking for an exceptional soul to be regent of this fair kingdom of Miscellania.
 * Player: If I may be so bold, Your Majesty, I think Miscellania would rest in capable hands with me.
 * King Vargas: Hahaha! You are bold, [Fremennik Name], but then I have yet to see a good ruler who was not. You will first have to demonstrate your worth. You are a good warrior, that I do not doubt; however ruling also requires a good grasp of diplomacy. We have been at war with neighbouring Etceteria for hundreds of years; however, I think both of us have rather lost our appetite for hostilities. Now may be an opportune time to make amends. If you manage to negotiate peace with them, then you will truly have shown your skill as a diplomat.
 * Player: Then do not stray far, Your Majesty, for I shall soon return.
 * King Vargas: Wait! There is one more matter to discuss... a mere formality, of course. By Miscellanious tradition, one may not become ruler of the kingdom if one is not part of the royal family. You will have to convince my [daughter/son], [Princess Astrid/Prince Brand], to marry you.
 * Player: And you say this is a mere formality, Your Majesty?
 * King Vargas: I am sure [she/he] won't be able to resist your heroic charms. You can ask Ghrim for advice; that's what he's here for, after all.
 * Player: I'm afraid I must decline.

Helpful Advice

 * Advisor Ghrim: Greetings, [Sir/Madam].
 * Player: What am I meant to be doing again?
 * Player: How do I make peace with Etceteria?
 * Advisor Ghrim: You should go talk to Queen Sigrid of Etceteria.
 * Player: How am I supposed to get the [Princess/Prince] to marry me?
 * Advisor Ghrim: I think you may find that talking to [her/him] would be a good way to start.
 * Player: Is there anything else you can tell me?
 * Player: About the Task System...

Sovereignty

 * Queen Sigrid: Hello.
 * Player: Er... Hello, Your Majesty.
 * Queen Sigrid: Have you come for a particular reason? I am a busy Queen, you know. Had to attend the opening of a new orphanage this morning.
 * Player: Yes, I...
 * Queen Sigrid: And this afternoon I shall be receiving the Ambassador of Karamja and accompanying him on his week-long tour of Etceteria.
 * Player: Er, I...
 * Queen Sigrid: Then this evening we shall be putting on a grand ball! All of the kingdom's nobility will be present.
 * Player: If I'm...
 * Queen Sigrid: Oh, who am I kidding... nothing ever happens here. I always wanted to be a princess when I was a girl. If I'd been told it would be like this, I wouldn't have bothered.
 * Player: Your Majesty!
 * Queen Sigrid: Yes? Did you want something?
 * Player: I've been sent by King Vargas to negotiate a treaty of peace between your two great nations.
 * Queen Sigrid: Great nations? Don't make me laugh. Still, peace sounds like a nice idea. He will, of course, have to recognise Etceteria officially as a sovereign nation.
 * Player: This isn't already the case?
 * Queen Sigrid: I'm afraid not. Last time we met I called him a pompous old fool for thinking he was still worth anything as an adventurer. He promptly declared war, claiming the land of Etceteria belonged to Miscellania. When he realised neither of us had an army, he was ever so angry!
 * Player: What happened then?
 * Queen Sigrid: He set off for the icelands to prove me wrong and, well, I expect you saw what happened to him.
 * Player: I shall go ask him to officially recognise Etceteria.

Diplomacy

 * Player: Your Majesty.
 * King Vargas: How are you getting on, [Fremennik Name]? Have you talked to Queen Sigrid of Etceteria?
 * Player: I have, Your Majesty. She says she will agree to peace as long as Miscellania recognises Etceteria as a sovereign nation.
 * King Vargas: Hmph! You can tell her I'll officially recognise her country as soon as she changes the Etceterian national anthem.
 * Player: Why is that, Your Majesty?
 * King Vargas: It's insulting! The title alone, "You're Stupid, We're the Best", should be enough to give you an idea.
 * Player: I'm sure I can convince her there are better anthems.

Awful Anthem

 * Queen Sigrid: Hello. Have you talked to Vargas yet?
 * Player: I have, Your Majesty. He says he will recognise the country when you change your anthem.
 * Queen Sigrid: What? But it's a great anthem, I composed it myself! Listen! "You're stupid, we're the best, Etceteria beats the rest! And Queen Sigrid is very pretty, King Vargas is a fool, hey, nonny-nonny!"
 * Player: I'm afraid he's insulted, Your Majesty.
 * Queen Sigrid: Well, it can't be helped I suppose... You'll have to find a bard to write a new one, though. And there isn't a bard to be had for love nor money in Etceteria.
 * Player: I'll see what I can do, Your Majesty.

Brand the Bard

 * Player: I need someone to compose a new anthem for Etceteria.
 * Prince Brand: You've come to the right bard! I'll write one for you immediately!
 * Player: You can take your time, really...
 * Prince Brand: No problem, I'm already done! Here, listen! 'Etceteria, Etceteria, Oh what a great country it is, Etceteria, Etceteria, So I wrote a song about it. It's somewhere in the sea, And it looks very nice, If it weren't for your ancestors, It wouldn't be there at all, And when things aren't going too well, We sing this lovely song, And then we'll all feel so much better, It won't take very long.' Here's a copy, you can keep it!
 * Player: ...that's lovely, thanks.
 * Prince Brand: Don't mention it, [Sir/Madam].

Ghrim's Helping Hand
(dialogue options)
 * Advisor Ghrim: Greetings, [Sir/Madam].
 * Player: I got Prince Brand to compose a new Etceterian anthem for me, but it's awful!
 * Advisor Ghrim: Oh dear. Well, that is only to be expected. May I see it, please?
 * Player: Here you go.
 * Advisor Ghrim: Hmm, yes... allow me to make a few adjustments. There you go, [Sir/Madam]. Are there any other matters in which I may be of assistance?

Royal Approval

 * Queen Sigrid: Hello. Have you found a new anthem yet?
 * Player: Yes, Your Majesty.
 * Queen Sigrid: Let's see now. "Etceteria, Etceteria, Of our country we are proud! Etceteria, Etceteria, Let all sing its name out loud! Rising high above the water, The jewel of the North! Our mothers and our fathers, To build this land came forth! And in the times of darkness, Sing praises of our land! And in our hearts we can be sure, Our victory is at hand!" Why, this is quite good! I'm surprised! Here is a treaty declaring what we've mutually agreed to. I've already signed, so all it needs is King Vargas' signature and it'll be official.

Yeti Problems

 * Player: Your Majesty.
 * King Vargas: How are you getting on, [Fremennik Name]? Have you convinced Sigrid yet?
 * Player: I have here a treaty awaiting your signature.
 * King Vargas: I doubt I will be able to hold an ordinary pen well enough to sign the treaty. You will have to find a pen large enough for me to hold.

A Pen for a King

 * Derrik: Good day, [Sir/Madam]. Can I help you with anything?
 * Player: Can I use your anvil?
 * Player: I have a slightly strange request... The King needs to sign a treaty, but is unable to because he lacks a pen large enough for him to hold. Could you make me a nib of the right size?
 * Derrik: Hm... I may be able to manage that. What sort of size?
 * Player: About the size of a helm should do it.
 * Derrik: All right, but I'll need an iron bar to make it from.
 * Player: I have one here.
 * Derrik: Good. Just a minute. Here you go! One giant pen nib!
 * Player: Nothing, thanks.

You place the nib on the end of the log to make a crude pen.

Peace Treaty

 * Player: Your Majesty.
 * King Vargas: How are you getting on, [Fremennik Name]? Have you found me a pen yet?
 * Player: Here it is, Your Majesty.
 * King Vargas: Excellent! And now, with a flourish, I sign the end of the rivalry between our two proud kingdoms! Now, has my [daughter/son] agreed to marry you?
 * Player: Not yet, Your Majesty.
 * King Vargas: Well, keep at it then! Ghrim tells me that the population is not yet very supportive of the idea of having you as ruler. You should try to gain their support.


 * Player: Your Majesty.
 * King Vargas: How are you getting on, [Fremennik Name]? Has my [daughter/son] agreed to marry you?
 * Player: Not yet, Your Majesty.
 * King Vargas: Well, keep at it then! Ghrim tells me that the population would be glad to have you as a ruler.

Princess Astrid (if male)

 * Princess Astrid: Good day, Sir.
 * Player: Good day, Your Royal Highness. As I'm sure you are aware, your father the King is seeking someone to rule the Kingdom in his stead. I have put myself forward, but in order for me to become ruler...
 * Princess Astrid: ... you have to marry somebody in the royal family, namely me?
 * Player: Yes, Your Royal Highness.
 * Princess Astrid: You realise, I hope, that I have many suitors.
 * Player: I take it you are not especially fond of any of them?
 * Princess Astrid: That is true. However, I am willing to give you a chance; if you impress me enough, I will consider accepting to marry you.

Possible Conversations

Upon giving Astrid flowers
 * Princess Astrid: Are these for me? Really?
 * Player: Of course, Your Royal Highness.
 * Princess Astrid: Thank you! They're lovely!
 * You give Princess Astrid the flowers.
 * Player: No.


 * Princess Astrid: Impressive. I like a man who knows how to dance.

Advisor Ghrim
 * Player: What do you think of Advisor Ghrim?
 * Princess Astrid: He's a bit scary sometimes, but he's always so nice to me! When I was young, I called him Uncle Ghrim.
 * Player: I think he's far too grumpy.
 * Player: No wonder you turned out like this...
 * Player: He's been very helpful.
 * Princess Astrid: Yes, my father made a wise decision when he chose him to be his advisor.
 * Player: Sneaky sneaky stick da chompy.

Archery
 * Player: So, you practice archery? I see you have a bow mounted on your wall.
 * Princess Astrid: Yes; my father thinks it is a cowardly art, but I find there is just as much courage, and more skill, involved in going into combat with just a bow and quiver. What do you think?
 * Player: Archery is a noble art!
 * Princess Astrid: I'm so glad you agree!
 * Player: You should listen to your father.
 * Player: Archers are all cowards!
 * Player: Selling ring of poverty 30 mil!

Suitors
 * Player: So, tell me about all these other suitors you have.
 * Princess Astrid: They never cease to bother me. They swarm around me like flies, all hoping to win my heart. Perhaps I should use them for target practice!
 * Player: I don't know why they bother...
 * Player: Hahahaha! I can hold them still for you if you like.
 * Princess Astrid: How do you know I wouldn't hit you as well?
 * Player: I have confidence in your skills, Your Royal Highness.
 * Player: You monster!
 * Player: Selling ring of poverty 30 mil!

A More Interesting Man
 * Princess Astrid: You are perhaps a more interesting man than I first took you for, Sir... Oh, but I realise you have not yet told me your name!
 * Player: My name is [Fremennik Name], Your Highness.
 * Princess Astrid: Then may I call you [Fremennik Name], Sir?
 * Player: If I may call you Astrid, Your Royal Highness.
 * Princess Astrid: You may call me 'Princess'.
 * Player: Very well, Princess.

Miscellaneous History
 * Player: So what's the history of these islands?
 * Princess Astrid: Well, nothing very exciting ever happened until my father declared war on Etceteria...
 * Player: Why did he do that?
 * Princess Astrid: Queen Sigrid of Etceteria insulted him.
 * Player: Hahahaha!
 * Player: He probably deserved it.
 * Player: What happened next?
 * Princess Astrid: He realised that neither of us have an army.
 * Player: Don't threaten me with a dead fish!

Future Plans
 * Player: What would you do if you ruled this Kingdom?
 * Princess Astrid: Very little. It's not as if there's much to it... I might try to set up trade with other islands.
 * Player: That sounds like a good idea.
 * Princess Astrid: Thank you.
 * Player: What a silly idea!
 * Player: That's not very enterprising.
 * Player: What level do you need to cook cats?

Childhood Hobby
 * Player: So why are you so interested in archery?
 * Princess Astrid: I'm not sure. Even when I was little, archery always fascinated me.
 * Player: I'm quite fond of it myself.
 * Princess Astrid: It's good to know someone who shares my interests.
 * Player: You should stick to knitting.
 * Player: You should try swordfighting instead.
 * Player: Care to sign my petition for pet frogs?

Upon giving Astrid a bow
 * Princess Astrid: Is this for me? Really?
 * Player: Of course, Princess.
 * Princess Astrid: Thank you! It's lovely!
 * You give Princess Astrid the bow.
 * Player: No.

Shortlisted
 * Princess Astrid: I must admit I am growing quite fond of you, [Fremennik Name].
 * Player: Could it be that I have succeeded where so many before me have failed, and finally melted the heart of the fair Princess?
 * Princess Astrid: Not yet, my dear; let us just say you have made it onto the shortlist.

Little Country
 * Princess Astrid: So, my dear, what do you think of Miscellania?
 * Player: Well, I've seen better...
 * Player: It's a lovely little country.
 * Princess Astrid: I'm glad you like it.
 * Player: It's boring.
 * Player: Look over there! A King Black Dragon!

Hunting Trip
 * Player: Do you go out into battle often?
 * Princess Astrid: Not often, no. I sometimes go hunting...
 * Player: And you call yourself an archer?
 * Player: I suppose you don't have much opportunity to.
 * Princess Astrid: Exactly! Perhaps you could take me with you sometime, dear.
 * Player: Hunting the mighty rabbits outside the castle? Slaying the foul fowl that terrorises the town?
 * Princess Astrid: That's not funny.
 * Player: Nah, that Kalphite was weedier than your garden.

Brother and Sister
 * Player: What do you think of your brother?
 * Princess Astrid: We don't always get along, but I'm sure he's a nice guy at heart.
 * Player: I really don't like him.
 * Player: And what a great bard he makes!
 * Princess Astrid: Haha! Oh yes, quite the bard, he is.
 * Player: I have heard better drains!
 * Player: Sneaky sneaky stick da chompy.

Upon blowing Astrid a kiss
 * Princess Astrid: *giggle* My, aren't you the charmer?

Upon giving Astrid a ring
 * Princess Astrid: Is this for me? Really?
 * Player: Princess Astrid, will you marry me?
 * Princess Astrid: Oh, my dear. I thought you'd never ask! Of course I'll marry you! We'll have to put off the actual ceremony until we can find a priest, but you can tell my father I have agreed to marry you.
 * You give Princess Astrid the ring.
 * Player: No.

Prince Brand (if female)

 * Prince Brand: Good day, Madam.
 * Player: Good day, Your Royal Highness. As I'm sure you are aware, your father the King is seeking someone to rule the Kingdom in his stead. I have put myself forward, but in order for me to become ruler...
 * Princess Astrid: ... you have to marry somebody in the royal family, namely myself?
 * Player: Yes, Your Royal Highness.
 * Prince Brand: Ahahahaha! Come now, what interest would I have in a crass adventurer like yourself? What would you know of the poetry that flows through my veins like an avalanche through a peaceful mountain village?
 * Player: I think you may find I know good poetry when I see it, Your Royal Highness...
 * Prince Brand: This may be the case. I am willing to give you a chance; if you impress me enough, I will consider accepting to marry you.

Possible Conversations

Upon giving Brand flowers
 * Prince Brand: Are these for me? Really?
 * Player: Of course, Your Royal Highness.
 * Prince Brand: Thank you! They're lovely!
 * You give Prince Brand the flowers.
 * Player: No.

Poetry
 * Prince Brand: I composed a poem, would you like to hear it?
 * Player: Of course. I'd love to.
 * Prince Brand: I got up; This morning.; And had an egg; For breakfast.
 * Player: Be still, my heart.
 * Prince Brand: I'm glad you liked it.
 * Player: And then what happened?
 * Player: That doesn't even rhyme!
 * Player: Nah, that Kalphite was weedier than your garden.

Upon cheering for Brand
 * Prince Brand: Than you. It's nice to be appreciated.

The Art of Music
 * Player: So, you practice the harp? I see you have one over there.
 * Prince Brand: Yes, I play the lyre and the harp, and compose songs, poems, and sagas to move you, to delight you and entertain you! Sadly, my father does not think much of the art. What do you think?
 * Player: You should listen to your father.
 * Player: You're an awful bard.
 * Player: You will be the greatest bard!
 * Prince Brand: I'm so glad you agree!
 * Player: Selling ring of poverty 30 mil!

Admirers
 * Player: I am surprised you do not have hordes of women vying to be your bride, Your Highness.
 * Prince Brand: And why do you think that might be, Madam?
 * Player: No-one's ever heard of you.
 * Player: They don't understand your poetry as I do.
 * Prince Brand: Mmm, a very good answer, Madam.
 * Player: They're all already married.
 * Player: Cattle prod? Weapon of choice I reckon.

To Be King
 * Player: What would you do if you became ruler of Miscellania?
 * Prince Brand: Oh, I would never concern myself with such trivial matters as those involved in ruling a Kingdom. My interests lie solely in the arts.
 * Player: You're just afraid of responsibility.
 * Player: A much nobler pursuit, to be sure.
 * Prince Brand: I am glad you agree.
 * Player: If only you were any good at them...
 * Player: Lies!!! It's all lies!!!

Saga
 * Prince Brand: I composed a saga, would you like to hear it?
 * Player: I don't know if I have time for a whole saga...
 * Prince Brand: Don't worry, it's quite short. Here we go! "Once upon a time there was a Prince, And Brand was his name, He always had a song in his heart, And a rhyme in his head, And he became the world's greatest bard, And delighted one and all, With his songs and sagas, And Brand was his name!"
 * Player: That's not a saga!
 * Player: I think my ears are bleeding.
 * Player: How inspiring!
 * Prince Brand: Thank you! I thought I would compose something for future generations, to tell them my story.
 * Player: Cattle prod? Weapon of choice I reckon.

Upon Dancing for Brand
 * Prince Brand: You dance well, Madam.

Fascination
 * Player: So, why did you decide to become a bard?
 * Prince Brand: Poetry and music have always fascinated me. I am drawn to them like a moth to an overenthusiastic mage who has set himself on fire.
 * Player: Wait, are you the moth or the mage?
 * Player: That's a strange metaphor...
 * Player: How poetic.
 * Prince Brand: Why thank you. Sometimes I amaze even myself.
 * Player: Selling ring of poverty 30 mil!

A Light at the End
 * Prince Brand: I must admit I am growing quite fond of you, [Fremennik Name].
 * Player: Could it be, my Prince, that you would consider wedding a crass adventurer such as myself?
 * Prince Brand: Not yet, my darling; let us just say my heart is a maze of inescapable tunnels, and you are the light at the end of one of them.

Upon giving Brand a cake
 * Prince Brand: Is this for me? Really?
 * Player: Of course, Your Highness.
 * Prince Brand: Thank you! It's lovely!
 * You give Prince Brand the cake.
 * Player: No.

Brother and Sister
 * Player: What do you think of your sister?
 * Prince Brand: We don't always see eye-to-eye, but she understands my art better than our father.
 * Player: You should listen to your father.
 * Player: What art is that?
 * Player: I'm glad to hear it.
 * Prince Brand: Of course, she couldn't understand as well as you do, my darling.
 * Player: Sneaky sneaky stick da chompy.

Upon blowing a kiss to Brand
 * Prince Brand: You flatter me, my darling.

Great Skill
 * Prince Brand: Tell me, have you ever composed any poems yourself?
 * Player: I wouldn't presume to have the skill...
 * Prince Brand: You're right, it takes great skill and inspiration to be a great poet such as myself.
 * Player: There once was a man from Varrock...
 * Player: Not really, but it can't be that hard.
 * Player: I'm a little teapot, short and stout...

Song
 * Prince Brand: I wrote a song about you. Would you like to hear it?
 * Player: I'd love to!
 * Prince Brand: Your hair is like a waterfall; Or perhaps a bramble bush; Your eyes are like an ocean on which; I want to sail the ship of our love!
 * Player: That was awful!
 * Player: That was lovely. I'm touched!
 * Prince Brand: I'm glad you liked it, my darling.
 * Player: Eyes... ship... sail... what?
 * Player: Cattle prod? Weapon of choice, I reckon.

Upon giving Brand a band
 * Prince Brand: Is this for me? Really?
 * Player: Prince Brand, will you marry me?
 * Prince Brand: My heart is an open book to you, my darling, and all the pages say yes... "Yes"! We'll have to put off the actual ceremony until we can find a priest, but you can tell my father I have agreed to marry you.
 * You give Prince Brand the ring.
 * Player: No.

The Ceremony

 * Player: Your Majesty.
 * King Vargas: How are you getting on, [Fremennik Name]? Has my [daughter/son] agreed to marry you?
 * Player: [She/He] has, Your Majesty.
 * King Vargas: Excellent, excellent. Ghrim tells me that the population would be glad to have you as a ruler. I see no reason to delay your regency any further. Ghrim, please proceed with the ceremony.
 * Advisor Ghrim: Yes, sir. We are gathered here today to witness the rise of a new hero to the regency of the Kingdom of Miscellania, to continue the work of our great King Vargas who is unfortunately now no longer able to rule. By the powers invested in me by the Miscellaneous Constitution, I declare thee, [Fremennik Name], to be the new Regent of this fair kingdom. May you bring success and prosperity to Miscellania and to all of its people.
 * Player: ... is that all?
 * King Vargas: That is all. I wish you luck as Regent. Speak to Ghrim if you require assistance.