NPC Contact/dialogue

Lumbridge Guide

 * Player: Hello!
 * Lumbridge Guide: What, who's that?
 * Hehe... ahem...
 * This is the voice of your conscience! You've been a very naughty boy haven't you?
 * What? No I haven't!
 * You know what I'm talking about! Don't lie!
 * Okay, okay! I'm sorry, I'll never do it again!
 * If you do it again, you'll be in deep trouble.

Wise Old Man

 * Hello.
 * Ow! (the player is hit by a Fire Wave spell, but takes no damage)
 * Wise Old Man: Keep your foreign magicks out of my head!

My Arm

 * Hi there.
 * My Arm: Is dat you,  (player's name)  ? My Arm can hear you but you not here.
 * I'm using magic to talk to you. How's the goutweed?


 * (If not completed My Arm's Big Adventure):
 * Hi there.
 * My Arm: Voice in my head?
 * Huh?
 * My Arm: Go away voice, leave My Arm.
 * Now that's the most weird conversation I've had in a long time.

Hans

 * Hiya.
 * Hans: Oooh! Who are you?
 * I'm a brave knight! I am coming to kill anyone in the vicinity of Lumbridge Castle!
 * Aaaaargh! Run away, run away!
 * Hehe. Fool!

Evil Dave

 * Hallo!
 * Evil Dave: Whoa! A voice in my head! What do you want?
 * I am your evil master!
 * You're using dark magic to contact me! That is SO evil! What is thy bidding, O Master?
 * Build me an army worthy of Zamorak!
 * Yes, O master! As soon as I get this summoning thing to work, my army of evil UNDEAD CHAOS ZOMBIE DEMON ASSASSINS OF DARKNESS will overrun the world! *Mwuhahahahaaa!

Clay Golem

 * Hello!
 * Clay Golem: Error! Perception mismatch (auditory/visual).
 * Don't worry, Golem! It's  (player's name)  !
 * I am sorry. I can hear you but not see you. I will have to examine my eyes.
 * No, you can't see me because I'm not there. I'm contacting you by magic!
 * If you are not here then I cannot be hearing you. I will have to examine my ears.
 * Don't worry about it, Golem.

General Wartface

 * Hello!
 * General Wartface: What you want Bentnoze?
 * Then who did say something? Who that?
 * It's  (player's name)  ! I'm talking to you by magic!
 * Hello  (player's name)  !
 * Bentnoze, she/he is here! I hear him/her in head!
 * Me not crazy, Bentnose! She/He talk to me by magic!
 * You shut up Bentnoze! You stupid! You just jealous  (player's name)  talk to me not you!
 * Shut up Bentnoze! You stupid!
 * SHUT UP!
 * You shut up Bentnoze! You stupid! You just jealous  (player's name)  talk to me not you!
 * Shut up Bentnoze! You stupid!
 * SHUT UP!
 * Shut up Bentnoze! You stupid!
 * SHUT UP!
 * SHUT UP!

Drunken Dwarf

 * Howdy.
 * Drunken Dwarf: Waaahaaay! It's  (player's name)  ! *hic* Maate!
 * How's things?
 * I tink oiv drunk a bit toooo much.
 * So, same as always.
 * Wont a kebab?
 * Uh, no, I'm good thanks.
 * Well, oym goona pass owt now. Have one on me!
 * Oh, okay.
 * Erm, bye.
 * Erm, bye.

Al Kharid Camel

 * Hi there!
 * Al Kharid Camel: Why, helloooo!
 * A camel?
 * Well this is grand darling. How nice it is to make your acquaintance!
 * Thank you. Nice to meet you too.
 * Wait a minute. How am I talking to you without a Camulet?
 * My dear, I'm a camel, how should I know?
 * Hmmm. I suppose this spell must tap directly into your mind. So, there's no need for language to get in the way.
 * I think I am somewhat confused.
 * May one ask how you contacted me?
 * I'm just using one of the Lunar spells.
 * Oh my, oh my. These youngsters today and their new-fangled gadgets!

Sandwich Lady

 * Hello?
 * Sandwich Lady: What do ya want for tea? And it better not be a baguette!
 * Don't ignore me,  (player's name)  !
 * Why won't people talk to me?
 * I'll beat you up!
 * Uhh, urr, a sandwich please?
 * Okay then, my dear! Toodle-oo!
 * I'll beat you up!
 * Uhh, urr, a sandwich please?
 * Okay then, my dear! Toodle-oo!
 * Okay then, my dear! Toodle-oo!

1337mage43

 * Hello?
 * 1337mage43: Hello?
 * Hey, I started the conversation!
 * No you didn't. Get out of my spell!
 * No! Get out of my spell!
 * Cry-baby.
 * What! I'm no cry-baby, you cry-baby!
 * I'm reporting you!
 * Oh, how scary!
 * Idiot.

Osman

 * Hello?
 * Osman: Reveal yourself!
 * Ha, call yourself a spymaster! You can't see me!
 * Ahh, I'm hallucinating! Must cut back on sq'irks!

Helpline Assistant

 * Hello?
 * Helpline Assistant: You have reached the Lunar Communication Helpline. I'm sorry we can't answer your telekinetic question right now. Our opening times are carefully organised to coincide with you being busy. If you are having an emergency, you have our most profound apologies. Have a nice day. Good bye.
 * Typical.

Father Urhney

 * Hello?
 * Father Urhney: At last! The voice of Saradomin! My years of meditation have paid off!
 * Um...
 * O mighty Saradomin! What is your message to me?
 * Stop sitting around in a house in a swamp and go and do something useful!
 * Oh, thank you Saradomin! I will meditate on what this message means!

Romeo

 * Hello?
 * Romeo: Oh, hello. You sound lovely.
 * Sorry?
 * You sound lovely. You have a beautiful...twang to your voice.
 * Twang? It's Romeo, isn't it?
 * May I compare thee to some pineapple chunks?
 * No, Romeo. Goodbye.

Blurberry

 * Hello?
 * Blurberry: Blurberry here! Can I help?
 * He He. Yes you can. I'm looking for a Gnome. Gnome Mates.
 * Okay, I'll ask. Everybody shush! Is there a Gnome Mates here? Did anyone come in with Gnome Mates?
 * You hear laughter in the background.
 * Ooooh, who is this? I'll get you!
 * Hahaha.

Gypsy Aris

 * Hello.
 * Gypsy Aris: Because I can tell the future.
 * Um?
 * That is the answer to your next question.
 * But how did you know what I would ask?
 * Because I can tell the future.
 * Ah, that's very clever.
 * Thanks. Oh and be careful in the Wilderness. Tonight is not your night.
 * Cheers!

Ali the Sandsweeper

 * Hello there! Who is this?
 * Ali: Ali.
 * Any particular Ali?
 * Only the best there is! I'm Ali the Sandsweeper.
 * You sweep sand?
 * Certainly do! I'm the best darn sandsweeper this side of the Lum.
 * There's more of you?
 * We have a union, mate! There's always sand to sweep.
 * Indeed. Um, I have to go.

Man

 * Hello.
 * Man: Excuse me!
 * Oh sorry, what did I do?
 * Can't you see I'm on the toilet?
 * Wait a minute... a toilet?
 * Yeah. A toilet.
 * Riiiight. Oh, man, you didn't wipe your hands?
 * Get over it.

Party Pete

 * Hello?
 * Party Pete: Yo! Party, party, party!
 * Um, Party Pete?
 * Yeah! Party's the name, and partying is the game! Actually it's a full-time profession. You can't stop the party.
 * Party Pete. Do you ever want to just relax?
 * Relax, don't do it! Yeah! Party mania! Yeah!
 * Bye, Party.
 * You may leave the party, but the party nevers leaves you! Party!

Bob

 * Hello?
 * Bob: Hello.
 * Ah, Bob! I've been meaning to ask you some questions
 * Okay, but be quick.
 * Well, where did you come from? Why do you wander around Runescape? I've heard lots of rumours about your past!
 * It's simple really...
 * cough* *cough*.
 * Are you okay?
 * cough* I'm *cough* just...
 * Bob?
 * Bob! Don't die! Noooooo!
 * Sorry, I had a hairball.
 * Euw! That's nasty.
 * Hey, it's normal. I'm off now!
 * Bob?
 * Oh no, Bob, please don't go.
 * Good bye.
 * Bob?
 * Oh no, Bob, please don't go.
 * Good bye.

Captain Cain

 * Who's that?
 * Captain Cain: What? Such insolence! How dare you speak like that, you poor excuse for goblin-dribble!
 * What?
 * Drop and give me twenty!
 * Okay, okay. I'm doing them now.
 * Liar!
 * Wait a minute, I don't have to put up with this. You do twenty!
 * Why I oughtta!
 * Erm, yeah. Bye!
 * Erm, yeah. Bye!

Homunculus

 * Hello?
 * Homunculus: It's  (player's name)  . How are you?
 * Fine, thanks. How about you?
 * Alchemists return the other day. Me turn them into animals.
 * No! Really?
 * Yeah, me made a uniman and a chickalchemist!
 * Nice work!

KGP Agent

 * Anyone there?
 * KGP Agent: INTRUDER! Red alert! Batten down the hatches! DIVE, DIVE, DIVE!
 * Err, maybe I'll call back later.

KGP Agent(2)

 * Hello.
 * KGP Agent: The fish cannot ride the gravy train.
 * Sorry?
 * The cyclops cannot see his inner walrus?
 * Is this code?
 * Waddle into a sunset of flaking mackerel?
 * I'm going now.
 * The sardine is leaving the tin?

Lumbridge Cow

 * Hello?
 * Lumbridge Cow: Moooooo.
 * Hey, I know you can talk!
 * Moooo.
 * Stop ignoring me!
 * Look, mate. Leave me alone!
 * You talked! You talked!
 * Moooo.
 * I think I'll have some beef tonight.

Lumbridge Sheep

 * Hello?
 * Lumbridge Sheep: Baaaa.
 * Huh? Okay.
 * Baa, baaa. BAA!
 * Baaa?

Zanik

 * Hello?
 * (Player name here)?
 * I'm contacting you by magic!
 * Hey (Player name here), do you know someone named Evil Dave? He's telling me about his plan for world domination, but I'm not sure if he's being serious.

(Two dialogue choices are presented to the player: "He's an evil wizard! You've got to stop him!" OR "I think he's harmless.")

If the player chooses "He's an evil wizard! You've got to stop him!":


 * He's an evil wizard! You've got to stop him!
 * Okay, I've got this.
 * Stop right now, Evil Dave! If you want to conquer the world you'll have to get past me first!
 * He's casting a spell, (Player name here)! He's made a magic circle and he's going to summon something! I have to disrupt the magic somehow!

(Three dialogue choices are presented to the player: "Make him get the words wrong!" "Disrupt the magic circle!" OR "Just let him cast the spell)

If the player chooses "Disrupt the magic circle!"

or
 * Disrupt the magic circle!
 * There! The circle's broken! Something is still happening, though...
 * Evil Dave has turned into a fish! He's flopping around and-
 * Oh, he's turned back.
 * He says he's going to go and have a lie down. I think his evil plans are foiled for the time being.


 * Hello?
 * (Player name here)? Oldak, something's happening. I've got (Player name here) in my head.
 * I'm contacting you by magic.
 * Um, okay. Hey (Player name here), do you know what an 'abyssal doom vortex' is?
 * Because that's what Oldak says he's created in his lab.
 * It's kind of getting larger, I think it's going to explode.

(Two dialogue choices are presented to the player: "Run away!" or "You need to shut it down!")

If the player chooses "You need to shut it down!"


 * You need to shut it down!
 * Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
 * Hey, Oldak, (Player name here) thinks you should shut it down!
 * Oh no! Oldak!
 * Oldak's paralysed!
 * I can't remember how to shut it down! What did Oldak say? It was either de-align the rune injector, or reverse to polarity on the polarity reverser.

(Two dialogue choices are presented to the player: "De-align the injector!" or "Reverse the polarity!"

If the player chooses "De-align the injector!" or
 * De-align the injector!
 * Okay! Here goes...
 * It worked! It's shut off! But it's left this red gunk all over the floor.
 * Oldak is scraping some of it into a sample jar. A very interesting result, he says.
 * Anyway, that looks like the end of that abyssal doom vortex. I'll see you around (Player name here).
 * Hello?
 * (Player name here)? Where are you? I can't see you in the swamp.
 * I'm contacting you by magic!
 * Oh! I'm exploring Morytania and...
 * Whoah! I'm slipping! Wo-o-oah!
 * Zanik? Are you alright?
 * I've fallen in the swamp! What should I do (Player name here)?

(Two dialogue choices are presented to the player: "Grapple out with your crossbow!" or "Try to swim to the bank!"

If the player chooses "Grapple out with your crossbow!"
 * Grapple out with your crossbow!
 * Okay, I'll try that...
 * There, the grapple's caught on a tree. I'm climbing out...
 * I've landed in a bush, and... hey, there's someone else here! Hey! Lumberjack! Over here!
 * He's turning this way, and... oh. Uh-oh. I think he's a zombie.

(Two dialogue choice are presented to the player: "Run for it!" or "You can take it! Fight!"

If the player chooses "You can take it! Fight!"


 * You can take it! Fight!
 * It's not so tough!
 * Its arm's come off, but it's still coming at me!
 * Now I've cut off both its arms, but it's still trying to bite me!
 * What? It's hopping at me with just one leg! Why doesn't it die already?
 * There. I've cut off all its limbs and kicked it in the swamp. No zombie is safe from Zanik of the Dorgeshuun!
 * I don't think I'll have trouble with anything else in this swamp. Thanks for the help, (Player name here)! See you around!

Trivia

 * The conversation with Blurberry is similar to the.
 * Romeo's line: "Shall I compare thee to some pineapple chunks?" is similar to a line written by Shakespeare, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day."
 * Despite being able to talk to the cow, the camel and Bob the Cat without using their respective amulets, the sheep doesn't, or refuses to, speak English.
 * Zanik's battle with the undead Lumberjack is similar to the battle between the Black Knight and King Arthur in the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
 * Zanik's line "No zombie is safe from Zanik of the Dorgeshuun!" may be a reference to the popular, in which there is a line of graffiti scrawled on a wall which states "No zombie is safe from Chicago Ted".
 * The conversation with Evil Dave alludes to the film Star Wars with the line "what is thy bidding, O master?" and to Lord of the Rings with the line "Build me an army worthy of Zamorak!"
 * The conversation with Party Pete (the sentence: Relax! Don't do it) might be a reference to the song 'Relax' by Frankie Goes To Hollywood.