Quartermaster (Cabbage Facepunch Bonanza)/dialogue


 * Player: What's going on here?
 * Quartermaster: Short version is, the gods are having people run around in a dungeon full of troops and monkeys, picking up trophies, as some sort of contest. Or maybe some sort of party.
 * Quartermaster: They and that Godless fellow are recruiting people to join in on their behalf, in return for rewards.
 * Player: What's the long version?
 * Quartermaster: Well, it seems that Marimbo and Brassica Prime, that's them over there on the fancy thrones -saw the recent fighting between the other gods.
 * Quartermaster: I don't think they quite see it as a fight, though. Marimbo's knocking back banana daiquiris like it's going out of style, and Brassica Prime's acting like it's some sort of popularity contest.
 * Quartermaster: Then Holstein and Kara-Meir turned up - I'll let him tell that tale, though. Anyway, he's got in on it all too.
 * Quartermaster: The two gods said something I didn't quite catch, and that big stone plinth just sank into the ground. Now there's a doorway there. Never knew there was a dungeon under these fields.
 * Quartermaster: And it's crazy in there! The walls move around and there's fire and monkeys and cabbages and...
 * The farmer takes a deep breath.
 * Quartermaster: ...and I'll just stay out of there, thanks. They've got me taking names, and dishing out rewards, for people who join in.
 * Player: How long's it all going on for?
 * Quartermaster: Two weeks, they said they'd be here. Don't reckon either of them has the attention span for much more than that, if I'm honest.
 * Quartermaster: I don't know what they think they're getting out of it. There's none of that green glowy energy stuff left under Lumbridge any more, Saradomin and Zamorak used it all up.
 * Quartermaster: But you can bet your life they're not going to think to clean up after themselves when they go. Not seen that sort of politeness from gods.
 * Player: How'd you get roped into this?
 * Quartermaster: I own a couple of fields around these parts, right? So there I am checking on the broccoli one day when Marimbo comes plummeting out of the sky holding a big, plump, green cabbage in one hand.
 * Quartermaster: Bless me if the cabbage doesn't begin to speak - says my 'devotion to his people has been noted' and I'm to be 'blessed over all other non-cabbages'. And then the ape pipes up and says I look near enough like one of hers, too.
 * Quartermaster: I don't know if I like what she was implying.
 * Quartermaster: Anyway, she picks me up in the other hand and she jumps about a mile in the air and comes down right here. The rest of it you know.
 * Quartermaster: So I suppose I'm some sort of priest of Brassica Prime now. Or of Marimbo? Maybe both.
 * Quartermaster: I should get a big priesty hat.
 * Player: I have other questions.
 * Player: How do I get involved?
 * Quartermaster: Well, they're having a sort of contest right now. So you tell me what side you're on - maybe talk to them about it first to see which you like better -then you get in the ring there.
 * Quartermaster: You're supposed to run back and forth through this arena they've set up and get the highest score you can.
 * Quartermaster: It's in an underground dungeony sort of place. There's things you can pick up off the ground, and little monkeys you're supposed to punch in the face.
 * Quartermaster: There's also flames and big gorillas who'll try to punch you in the face. Try not to get punched in the face or burned.
 * Quartermaster: There's a safe spot at each end where the gorillas can't get you, but they swap back and forth. You'll see a time running after they swap ends.
 * Quartermaster: Make sure you get to the other end before the timer runs out.
 * Player: How does scoring work?
 * Quartermaster: Every time you cross the dungeon you'll get some points. Every trophy you pick up along the way off the ground or by punching little monkeys is also worth points.
 * Quartermaster: The longer you survive the higher you'll score. And points mean prizes! Also glory to your faction, if that rotates your millwheel.
 * Player: What happens if I get knocked out?
 * Quartermaster: You turn into a gorilla.
 * Quartermaster: No, seriously. I've seen it happen. Anyone who gets caught outside the safe spot when the timer runs out, or who runs out of heath by being punched or burned or whatever, swells up and goes all hairy.
 * Quartermaster: It's only temporary! Once you come out of the dungeon you're fine again. And while you're a gorilla you get to punch people in the face and that'll get you trophies too, so it's not all bad.
 * Player: Tell me about abilities.
 * Quartermaster: People can do all sorts of weird stuff down there. I've seen folks walk through walls of fire without flinching, and pick up stuff from metres away without any runes at all.
 * You can bring one passive and two active abilities into the game, which grant you various advantages. Click on an active ability in the minigame bar to use it during a game. Different abilities have different cooldowns.
 * Player: I had other questions.
 * Player: What's in it for me?
 * Quartermaster: Well, obviously the glory of supporting your chosen faction is the...
 * Quartermaster: ...hahaha! No, sorry, couldn't keep a straight face. It's all about the rewards!
 * Quartermaster: You can earn experience in several skills, there are items you can buy which help with farming or slayer, and you can unlock new abilities to use in the arena downstairs.
 * Quartermaster: During these two weeks, you can also buy a cape to show off your dedication to your faction.
 * The farmer looks shifty.
 * Quartermaster: I'll even let you buy the other capes once you've got your own faction's, because hey! Why not?
 * Player: Tell me about reward items.
 * Quartermaster: There's three of 'em. The seedicide destroys farming seeds that would drop from monsters you kill, turning them into a chunk of farming experience. You can set what seeds it's allowed to eat.
 * Quartermaster: The slayer VIP tickets let you choose between two options when you're picking up a new slayer task - there'll be the usual choice as a default, and an alternative you can ask for instead.
 * Quartermaster: The patch bomb is a handy time-saving device! use it on a farming patch and it'll check the health of, harvest, chop down and clear anything that's in it in a single swoop, cleaving it clear for new seeds.
 * Player: Tell me about unlocking abilities.
 * Quartermaster: There's a bunch of abilities you can't just use right off the bat, I can sell you unlocks for 'em. Once you've unlocked them, they're yours to use as you want.
 * Quartermaster: As the contest goes on I'll let you buy more abilities - check back on day 4 and day 10.
 * Player: I had other questions.
 * Player: I'd like to change my faction.
 * Quartermaster: How would you like to switch sides?
 * Marimbo
 * Brassica Prime
 * The Godless
 * Player: I'd like to manage my abilities and rewards.
 * Player: I'd like to buy rewards.
 * Player: I'd like to adjust my equipped abilities.
 * Player: Actually, I had some questions.