Another Slice of H.A.M./Transcript

Quest Start

 * Ambassador Alvijar: Headman Ur-tag, I cannot express enough how important it is that this train link be completed on time. The mining companies have taken out considerable loans...
 * Ur-tag: I understand your concerns, Ambassador, but you must realise that the discoveries must change the whole schedule. To remove them too hurriedly would be a crime against knowledge.

--- Select an Option --- --- [Adventurer], do you have any experience with archaeology? --- Select an Option --- ---
 * Option 1: What are you arguing about?
 * Option 2: What can I do in the city?
 * Option 3: Why did you decide to open the city?
 * Player: What are you talking about?
 * Ur-tag: It's the new underground train link being built between our city and the dwarven city of Keldagrim.
 * Ambassador Alvijar: It will be the pinnacle of dwarven engineering! A great leap forward from the old steam-powered minecarts! A monument to the power and ingenuity of the Consortium! And it would be finished by now, except that they found some old goblin bones they want to dig up.
 * Ur-tag: We've unearthed some very important artefacts that were buried during the Dorgeshuun Civil War. They could shed important light on our history.
 * Player: I passed my archaeology exam at the Digsite!
 * Ur-tag: Excellent! We have not had a major archaeological project for generations, so if you could give us some help we would appreciate it.
 * Option 1: I'd love to help!
 * Option 2: Do your own digging!
 * Player: I'd love to help!
 * Ur-tag: Splendid! The path to the train tunnel is in the south-west of the city.
 * Ambassador Alvijar: Perhaps now we can get this finished quickly and get on with laying the tracks.

Excavation

 * Tegdak: Oh, hello surface-dweller. I'm afraid we're a bit busy cleaning specimens at the moment so I can't help you.
 * Player: Ur-tag asked me to help out with the dig. I have an archaeological qualification!
 * Tegdak: Oh! In that case we could use your help. There are some ancient goblin artefacts buried in the ground around here. We want to extract them, but we don't have much experience and could end up breaking them. Could you extract them, clean them, and then give them to me please?
 * Player: Okay.
 * Tegdak: Here, take this trowel and specimen brush.


 * Tegdak: Thank you, [Adventurer].
 * Zanik: What is it?
 * Tegdak: It looks like a fragment of armour.
 * Zanik: Look at the design! That's a lot like the design of the goblin armour I saw on the surface.
 * Tegdak: That confirms that our ancestors retained a lot of customs from the surface even after they came down here. Our guards didn't start wearing lighter chainmail until after the Civil War.
 * Player: I have another one.
 * Zanik: What is it?
 * Tegdak: It looks like a piece of a shield.
 * Zanik: Look at that stress fracture. It looks like this shield broke pretty easily.
 * Tegdak: I would guess that this shield was made during the Dorgeshuun Civil War and not handed down from the time on the surface. It seems that even by the time of the Civil War, our ancestors were beginning to lose their skills at making weapons.
 * Player: I have another one.
 * Zanik: What is it?
 * Tegdak: It looks like a piece of a helmet.
 * Zanik: A helmet? So those are eye-holes? They look too small.
 * Tegdak: This was from the early days of Dorgesh-Kaan. It must have been before our ancestors' eyes reached their current size.
 * Player: I have another one.
 * Zanik: What is it?
 * Tegdak: I'm not sure. What do you think?
 * Zanik: It looks a bit like a sword, doesn't it? I saw some people using them on the surface.
 * Tegdak: The early Dorgeshuun must have used a much larger variety of weapons than we do now.
 * Player: I have another one.
 * Zanik: What is it?
 * Tegdak: I'm not sure. It's got some kind of blade... Is it a spear tip?
 * Zanik: Oh, I know what it is! It's a hatchet head! Hatchets are these things they use on the surface for cutting down trees. I think they can be used as weapons too.
 * Tegdak: Our ancestors must have brought it down from the surface, then. There would be no need for them to make hatchets when they were down here, as there are no trees. It's amazing to think that we're handling objects that date back to the time of the war of the gods!
 * Player: I have another one.
 * Zanik: What is it?
 * Tegdak: It's... Actually, what is it? It's a sort of stick with a lump on the end.
 * Player: I think it's a mace.
 * Tegdak: A mace?
 * Player: A kind of weapon.
 * Tegdak: That's all the artefacts we needed to extract. Thanks again, [Adventurer]! Now, the most interesting one is this ancient mace. It's the only intact weapon, and I'm pretty sure it dates back to the time when the Dorgeshuun were on the surface. It's covered in symbols, but I can't decipher them. Zanik, could you take it to the scribe? He might know what they mean. I'll finish up the dig here.
 * Zanik: Sure thing! Come on, [Adventurer], let's go talk to the scribe!

The Goblin Scribe

 * Goblin scribe: Ah, hello Zanik, hello [Adventurer]. How is the dig going?
 * Zanik: [Adventurer] helped us to finish the dig! Look what [he/she] dug up!


 * Goblin scribe: Hmm... that is interesting. What do you think it is?
 * Player: It's a mace.
 * Zanik: [Player] says that's a kind of weapon.
 * Goblin scribe: I can see how. I certainly wouldn't want to be hit with it!
 * Zanik: We think it's a magical weapon from the surface. Can you decipher the symbols on it?
 * Goblin scribe: Hmm... No. I'm afraid not. Our written language has developed so much since then that it's totally indecipherable to me.
 * Zanik: Oh well.
 * Goblin scribe: Wait a moment. [Player], didn't you say you talked to some surface goblins when you were trying to find your way through to our mines?
 * Player: Yes, I talked to the generals in the Goblin Village.
 * Goblin scribe: Perhaps you could talk to them again. They might know more about weapons than we do.
 * Zanik: Good idea! I'd rather not travel all that way over the surface, though. I wonder if Oldak could use magic to help us get there?


 * Oldak: Ah, Zanik. Would you like to see the results of my experiment with nature runes?
 * Zanik: Not right now, Oldak. We wanted to see if you could make Moving-Over-Distance Spheres to somewhere other than the city.
 * Oldak: Oh yes. My research along those lines has been coming along very well. I think I could make a Moving-Over-Distance Sphere to anywhere you like, given a little work.
 * Player: We're trying to take this ancient goblin mace to the Goblin Village on the surface. Do you think you could help us to get there?
 * Oldak: Hmm. The Goblin Village, you say? I think I could do that. Just a moment.


 * Oldak: There you go. I've made you each one to get you to the Goblin Village and one to bring you back here.
 * Zanik: Thanks Oldak! Okay, [Adventurer], let's go!

The Chosen Commander

 * Zanik: Ow, my eyes... So this is the Goblin Village! It's so different from Dorgesh-Kaan, isn't it, [Adventurer]? [Adventurer], where are you? [Adventurer]?
 * Player: Aaah!
 * Zanik: Sorry about that, [Adventurer]! Oldak's calculations aren't always exact!


 * General Wartface: Who you?
 * Zanik: I'm Zanik of the Dorgeshuun!
 * General Wartface: Lost tribe?
 * Zanik: That's right! We've been cut off from the outside world for thousands of years but now we're back!
 * General Bentnoze: So legend true!
 * General Wartface: What you want?
 * Player: Can you tell us anything about this mace?
 * General Bentnoze: That holy mace of Big High War God.
 * General Wartface: In time of great war, strongest goblin warriors carry maces like this.
 * General Bentnoze: They use them to take favour of gods away from enemy. If another god protecting enemy, goblin warrior use this mace and favour of god is stolen away!
 * Zanik: Oh. A holy mace of the War God.
 * General Wartface: You not look very happy.
 * General Bentnoze: You should praise Big High War God for giving you holy mace!
 * Player: The Dorgeshuun don't have quite the same attitude to the gods as you on the surface do.
 * General Wartface: All goblins worship Big High War God! Without him we nothing!
 * General Bentnoze: You not real goblin! You filthy human!
 * Zanik: I am a goblin!
 * General Bentnoze: You not even look like goblin! You have big eyes and wrong colour skin!
 * Grubfoot: She is goblin!
 * General Bentnoze: Shut up Grubfoot!
 * General Wartface: No let him speak.
 * Grubfoot: She is goblin. And she more than that... Last night I have dream. I see this new goblin come into village, holding up holy mace. All goblins gather around her. Not just from village, from all over world. She is Chosen Commander!
 * Player: Chosen Commander?
 * General Wartface: That story from goblin holy book. We not had Commander of all goblins since time of great war. Holy book say someday Big High War God send Chosen Commander to lead us to victory over whole world.
 * Grubfoot: That what I see in dream. It her destiny.
 * Zanik: My destiny...
 * General Bentnoze: That not true! She cannot be Chosen Commander! She not proper goblin! She not worship Big High War God!
 * General Wartface: But what if she is? If we ignore her, Big High War God strike us down!
 * General Bentnoze: All right. I not believe you Chosen Commander. But we let you talk to people in village.
 * General Wartface: Grubfoot! Tell people in village to gather around! Dorgesh goblin will speak to us all!


 * General Wartface: Goblins listen up! This Zanik, she from Dorgeshuun tribe!
 * General Bentnoze: She say she Chosen Commander!
 * Zanik: No, I-
 * General Wartface: We not know what she have to say. But in case she Chosen Commander, we let her speak. Speak, Zanik!
 * Zanik: Help, [Adventurer]! What should I say?
 * Player: I don't know!
 * Zanik: Goblins... goblins of the Goblin Village. I'm Zanik of the Dorgeshuun. You may know the legend of the Dorgeshuun, but let me tell you our own version. Thousands of years ago, the Big High War God forced all goblins to fight in a terrible war.
 * Goblins: Big High War God! Big High War God!
 * Zanik: No! Listen! The god commanded the Dorgeshuun to fight a battle they could not win!
 * Goblin: You weak! You hide instead of fight!
 * Zanik: You don't need to think in those terms! We've lived for centuries without warm and without gods, and-
 * Goblin: Aaaargh!
 * Goblin: Unk!
 * General Bentnoze: We under attack!
 * General Wartface: Scatter!

Another Slice of H.A.M.

 * Zanik: The shots came from the top of that tower, [Adventurer]! Can you see anything?
 * Player: There are two snipers up there.
 * Zanik: I can't get anywhere without coming into their line of fire, but I think you could get around the side of the buildings to the ladder.


 * Player: Sigmund!
 * Sigmund: You can never defeat me! I've been training my Combat by killing goblins around Lumbridge!
 * Zanik: You... you murderer!

Quick, [Adventurer]! Shoot him while I have him distracted!

Aaaaah! My eyes!


 * Sigmund: Don't even think about it, [Adventurer]! Make one move and I'll slit her throat!

Your little goblin friend has a role in my plan! I'm taking her to the tunnel we've built from the Lumbridge Swamp Caves to the new dwarven train track.

When the cave goblins find that the dwarven train has killed their hero, there will be war between them! Saradomin's chosen children can watch as two vile underground races wipe each other out!

A-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa!


 * General Wartface: Are they gone?
 * General Bentnoze: What happen?
 * Player: Sigmund has kidnapped Zanik!
 * General Wartface: He kidnap Chosen Commander? You must rescue her!
 * General Bentnoze: Human will need help. You take our best warrior, Sergeant Mossfists.
 * General Wartface: No! Sergeant Slimetoes best warrior! Take him!
 * Player: We don't have time for this! Why don't I take both warriors?
 * General Bentnoze: Okay.

Grubfoot! Fetch Mossfists and Slimetoes and tell them to meet [Adventurer] in Lumbridge Swamp!

You take ancient goblin mace. Maybe it be useful.


 * General Wartface: You rescue Chosen Commander and she lead us all to glory!

Damsel in Distress

 * Sergeant Slimetoes: You [Adventurer]?
 * Player: Yes.
 * Sergeant Mossfists: Generals say we help you rescue Chosen Commander.
 * Sergeant Slimetoes: It too important for puny human to do on own. You just get killed.
 * Sergeant Mossfists: So we come to look after you so you not die.
 * Sergeant Slimetoes: Grubfoot say pink robe man take Chosen Commander down this hole into new tunnel.
 * Sergeant Mossfists: We distract guards for you. If we see them, we attack them so you get past while we fighting!


 * Sigmund: At last I have defeated you, filthy goblin! Any moment now the first dwarf train will come thundering down this tunnel and crush you! And then the goblins and the dwarves will go to war! Ha ha ha ha ha!
 * Zanik: You monster!
 * Sigmund: No, YOU'RE the monster! That's why you and all your filthy species must die!

We meet again, [Adventurer]! This time your goblin friend cannot help you. You are on your own and have no way to overcome my prayers!
 * Zanik: Help! Help!


 * Sigmund: What's happening? This weapon is overcoming Saradomin's protection! You've taken away the last of my prayer energy!


 * Sigmund: Bah! You win again, [Adventurer]! But someday, somehow, I will have my revenge!
 * Zanik: Quick, [Adventurer]! Untie me before the train comes!

Grand Opening
~ The grand opening of the Dorgesh-Kaan – Keldagrim train line ~
 * Ur-tag: It is my great pleasure to declare this new train link open! [Adventurer], Zanik has told me about your exploits. It seems that all the Dorgeshuun owe you our lives once again.
 * Player: All in a day's work for an adventurer like me!
 * Ur-tag: As a reward, I suggest you keep the ancient goblin mace that you helped to excavate. Most of the Dorgeshuun would be happy if such a war-like artefact was kept outside the city, and I am sure you will keep it in safe hands.
 * Player: Thank you, Ur-tag!