Let Them Eat Pie/Transcript

WARNING: This quest contains some graphic descriptions.

Nails Newton
After accepting quest
 * Player: Hello!
 * Nails Newton: Hey, you looking for work?
 * Player: What sort of work?
 * Nails: Just a little job I need doing. See, there's a merchant upstairs I need something lifting from. I'd do it myself, but I'm more into the 'legitimate' document business these days.
 * Player: You want me to rob him? That doesn't sound very heroic!
 * Nails: Keep your voice down! Look, he's not a very nice bloke, right? He's Rolo the Stout, and he's currently buying up all the food in the area on the cheap and selling it to the refugees at a huge mark-up.
 * Player: Well, that isn't very nice...but two wrongs don't make a right.
 * Nails: Just listen will ya? All I need is his seal. I've a forged letter right here that says he's releasing all the food to the refugees for free. If I can get his personal seal, then I can get his associates to open the stockpiles to the people of the town. You in, or not?
 * Player: You know what, that sounds like a good plan. What do you want me to do first?
 * Nails: Well, Rolo isn't called 'the stout' because he likes to drink the stuff. He's a real pig. Every day he orders some fancy pie from the cook here, usually something that'll cost a lot to make. So, what we'll do is make a pie that'll put him out of commission for some time.
 * Player: You mean poison him?
 * Nails: Not POISON poison. Just something that'll put him in the infirmary for a while.
 * Player: Well I suppose that's not so bad...but why? Can't I get the seal off him now?
 * Nails: Nah, he has it in a chest up there by his table in case he needs to stamp any documents. If he's rushed off to hork his guts out I don't think his first priority will be taking it with him.
 * Player: I suppose not.
 * Nails: Exactly. So what I need you to do first is take care of the most complex item in the recipe: the pie crust. What we're going to do is mix in a load of fishing bait into the flour.
 * Player: Urk...
 * Nails : Do you know about the watermill to the south? What ya need to do is take some wheat and fishing bait there. You can get wheat from a field to the south of here, just over the bridge. There are a couple of troll bodies on the way to the field that have been left for a while. They have a lot of maggo...err, 'fishing bait' around them. Upstairs there is a hopper. Put the wheat in the hopper, then put the fishing bait on top. Once you have done that, use the lever nearby to put it all in the mill, then it'll all get mashed up. Then go back downstairs and use a pot to gather up the flour and bring it to me.
 * Player: Ok, it sounds a little messy, but I'll do it.
 * Player: So tell me a little about yourself.
 * Nails: Well what do you wanna know?
 * Player: I just want to know a little more about the man I'm working for, that's all.
 * Nails: Huh... Well, I suppose that's fair enough. My name's 'Nails' Newton. I'm a Burthorpe man, born and bred. I've been working various scams and schemes since I was little. These days, I provide accurate copies of official documents to people. In case they can't get the version for some silly reason. A good steady hand is invaluable, you see.
 * Player: So, basically, you're a criminal...
 * Nails: You could say that...but look at it this way. I never beat up anyone that wasn't asking for it, stole anything from someone that couldn't afford it, or scammed anyone that wasn't trying to scam me. I mean, I did some work back in the day, making sure people got some money that was owed them from people who wouldn't give it any other way. That's what gets me about these merchants. They're gouging us for every coin we've got because they can profit off our misery. I may be a little shady, but at least I have standards.
 * Player: Can they really be all that bad?
 * Nails: Look, go and talk to them and you'll find out. Rolo is just a tip of a flabby iceberg. Just have a word with his friend Kepple, or any of the merchants wandering around. Then you'll see what we're up against.
 * Player: What do you need me to do again?
 * [options repeat]
 * Player - I'd best get on with it then.
 * Nails - Ok, see you about.

'''Please note that the following dialogues with Pompous Merchants, Kepple, Rolo the Stout and Foppish Pierre are not required for the quest and can be accessed before the quest is started. Because they change at some point during the quest the following dialogues can be considered 'pre-quest dialogue'.'''

Pompous Merchants

 * Pompous Merchant: Step aside, you low-born oaf!
 * Player: Hey! Who are you calling names?
 * Pompous Merchant: I have no idea. Some 'hero' I would guess.
 * Player: Look you...
 * Pompous Merchant: Hush, I have far too much money to listen to the idle prattle of menials. Begone!

Kepple

 * Player: Hello there.
 * Kepple: Hello? Hello? What kind of low-class greeting is this? No matter. Clearly we move in very different social circles. Salutation, serf.
 * Player: What did you just call me?
 * Kepple: I called you a serf. Why, what of it?
 * Player: Who are you to go around insulting people like that?
 * Kepple: I'm Winston Kepple, purveyor of pretty much everything! I came here with my friends and colleagues from Falador to take advantage of this captive market that we have right here. And let me tell you, business has never been better.
 * Player: What do you mean?
 * Kepple: I mean that with the trolls attacking I've been able to peddle all kinds of goods to these rubes with an astonishing mark-up! Food, clothing, cake tins, fishing supplies... You name it, I make am making a profit on it.
 * Player: But a lot of these people have no homes or money! What about the war effort?
 * Kepple: Pfft. What about it? If the trolls wipe this place out the White Knights and some scruffy tramps with swords calling themselves heroes will take care of it. And then the survivors will need even more supplies to reclaim the land!
 * Player: You're all heart, aren't you?
 * Kepple: Oh pipe down. I didn't expect a commoner like you to understand the ways of high finance.
 * Player: That's a very fancy outfit.
 * Kepple: I'm glad you like it. It is, theoretically, very expensive.
 * Player: Theoretically?
 * Kepple: Well, I had it made from the finest materials, purchased from businesses that I was a partner in, so I got a good discount. Then I had the finest seamstresses in Falador put out of work, and paid them a pittance to make it for me before I would let them seek employment elsewhere. So in the end I have a very wonderful set of clothes with little or no cost to myself.
 * Player: ...
 * Kepple: Yes, it is quite jaw-droppingly good, isn't it?
 * Player: I think I'm done here.
 * Kepple: Very well, it was...nice talking to you.

Rolo the Stout

 * Player: Hello!
 * Rolo the Stout: Do you have my pie?
 * Player: No, I don't have your pie.
 * Rolo the Stout: This is intolerable! I already have plenty to drink, so why would they send a serving lass up to see me without my food!
 * Player: I don't work here, and even if I did, I'm not a serving lass.
 * Rolo the Stout: Such impertinence! Inform the head of this establishment that I want you to be dismissed immediately!
 * Player: But...I don't work here.
 * Rolo the Stout: What's that? You won't do it? Egad, do you not know who you are dealing with, whelp? I'll tan your hide!
 * Player: Hilarious as it would be to see you try, I still don't work here.
 * Rolo the Stout: By the gods, you're a fiery one! Never have I been so insulted by a lowly servant...
 * Player: Repeat after me...
 * Rolo the Stout: What?
 * Player: I...don't...work...here.
 * Rolo the Stout: I...Don't... Dash it all, you scoundrel! Why didn't you tell me you didn't work here? Fetch the head of this establishment! I will have your job for embarrassing me!
 * Player: It's like watching a highly obese dog chasing it's pudgy tail.

Foppish Pierre

 * Player: Hello!
 * Foppish Pierre: Oh, are you addressing...me?
 * Player: Well, yes?
 * Foppish Pierre: Oh dear...This will never do.
 * Player: What are you talking about?
 * Foppish Pierre: I was right. This will never do. I mean...look at yourself. How, by any stretch of the imagination, am I supposed to...converse...with one such as yourself?
 * Player: Well, you could flap your mouth about while making words into a sentence.
 * Foppish Pierre: Oh...you are so lower class. I've become used to dealing with better people than you since I became fabulously wealthy. Thank goodness I have my pomander of expensive spices, your odour was beginning to make me feel light-headed.
 * Player: Hey!
 * Foppish Pierre: I'm sorry, I can't hear it when poor people are upset. Toodle-pip.

Maggoty Flour
After taking fishing bait from the dead troll: After using wheat and fishing bait on the hopper: After operating the hopper controls: After taking flour from the flour bin:
 * Info Box: You gather some fishing bait from the dead troll.
 * Info Box: You put the fishing bait in the hopper.
 * Player: I hope nobody down there has worked out what I am up to. I should get down there and grab the flour with an empty pot before it crawls away.
 * Info Box: You fill a pot with the disgusting mix of shredded maggots and flour.

Nails Newton

 * Nails: What's up?
 * Player: I have the flour you wanted here.
 * Nails: That's perfect.
 * Player: I can see why you asked me to do this first, that was a lot of work!
 * Nails: Don't worry, I'll take care of making this into a pie shell for you in a moment. We also need to fill the pie with something pretty nasty. What we need first is a raw crayfish. I want you to go and get one and bury it in a field. Just shove it right into the dirt and then let it...ripen for a bit.
 * Player: Gah...
 * Nails: Just use either the flax field, wheat field or the animal pen for the job. The flax field is closest. It's in the north west of here, near the Master Farmer's shop and the well. And don't forget: when you are done you should come and see me to show me your work. But first, let me take care of that flour for ya!
 * Info Box: Using a bowl of water and a pie dish. Nails crafts a rather disgusting pie shell for you.
 * Player: Urgh...This is not going to be pretty...
 * Player: [Same options as above]

Manky crayfish
After walking into the flax field with a raw crayfish:
 * Info Box: You dig up the crayfish a while later, and find it disgustingly moist with decay.

Nails Newton

 * Nails: How are the fish biting?
 * Player: Well they aren't biting too well. Look at this little feller!
 * Info Box: You wave the manky crayfish at Nails, who recoils.
 * Nails: Oh, Saradomin... That thing stinks! Just looking at it makes me want to vomit! Perfect! Only one thing left!  To give the pie a little more body, we'll add a potato. I want you to go and get a raw potato and shove it down a kebbit hole. Kebbit burrows are full of hair and droppings and all other kinds of nasty waste. So if you just shove it in there and pull it out it'll be ok. Well, I say 'ok'...
 * Player: Oh...that's foul... I'll get right to it, once I stop tasting bile.
 * Player: [Same options as above]

Stinking Potato
After inspecting a kebbit hole:
 * Info Box: With great reluctance you push the poor, innocent potato in the hole, and pull the filthy and stinking result back out.
 * Player: I don't think my hands will ever feel clean again... Wait, this is the last item I need, I suppose I could try making the pie myself and cook it. Or I could go see Nails for more information maybe...

Nails Newton
After using either the manky crayfish or stinking potato on the pie shell: After using the Terrible pie (uncooked) on a range:
 * Nails: How's that pie coming along?
 * Player: I shoved the potato down a kebbit hole. Here it is.
 * Nails: I don't want to see it! I'm retching just thinking about it! Now you have everything, you should stick the crayfish and potato inside the shell and take it to the range to cook.
 * Player: How did you know I had everything?
 * Nails: Because my nose hairs are bleaching. It's subtle clues like that which give it away.
 * Player: [Same options as above]
 * Info Box: You use the crayfish into the pie crust and force the top on.
 * Info Box: You recover the terrible pie from the oven. The stench of it is nauseating.

Nails Newton

 * Player: Hey Nails, check this pie out!
 * Nails: Guh, that thing stinks!
 * Player: Tell me about it. My backpack is never going to be clean again.
 * Nails: He'll never eat that unless we do something to mask the smell. I have an idea though.
 * Player: What is it?
 * Nails: One of Rolo's fellow merchants, Foppish Pierre has been hanging around the mill.  He carries a supply of spices on him all the time. If you can pickpocket those then we'll be in business. So, just go and grab those spices from Pierre and add them to the pie. Then you can take it up to Rolo and see if he swallows it.

Expensive spices
After pickpocketing Foppish Pierre:
 * Info Box: You manage to lift the container of spices from Pierre's pocket.

Foppish Pierre
After using the expensive spices on the terrible pie:
 * Foppish Pierre: You there! Oik! I need your assistance!
 * Player: If you are trying to get me to help you, you might be a little more courteous.
 * Foppish Pierre: Oh all right. How is it the gutter-trash address each other? Ayup. 'Appen as like I done lost myself a pretty penny. 'As thou seen t' salt-shaker?
 * Player: Is that how you think poor people talk?
 * Foppish Pierre: When they are not just grunting and waving their arms, yes. Look, have you seen a little salt shaker full of spices around here?
 * Player: I can't say I have.
 * Foppish Pierre: I'm ruined! Ruined!
 * Info Box: With a few dashes of spice, the pie seems a lot more appealing.

Rolo the Stout

 * Player: Pie for Rolo the Stout!
 * Rolo the Stout: That's me!
 * Player: Here is your pie, sir. I hope you...enjoy it.
 * Rolo the Stout: What is this? This is not the scrumptious redberry and distressed quail pie I demanded.
 * Player: That's right. The chef made you the pie, and decided it wasn't delicious enough for someone with tastes as refined as yours.
 * Rolo the Stout: Well that's not my problem. Maybe he didn't torment the quails for as long as I specified... But whatever this is, it does smell delicious...
 * Player: Well it contains a lot of VERY expensive spices.
 * Rolo the Stout: Oh really? Then I suppose I might try a portion. What's it called?
 * Player: Squishy Crust Belly Filler
 * Player: Uh,...we call it a Squishy Crust Belly Filler.
 * Rolo the Stout: A Squishy Crust Belly Filler? I can't say I've ever heard of a Squishy Crust Belly Filler before.
 * Player: Crayfish a la Manque
 * Player: Uh...we call it a Crayfish a la manque.
 * Rolo the Stout: A crayfish a la manque? I can't say I've ever heard of a crayfish a la manque before.
 * Player: Pomme de Kebbit Pie
 * Player: Uh,...we call it a Pomme de Kebbit Pie.
 * Player: A Pomme de Kebbit Pie? I can't say I've ever heard of a Pomme de Kebbit Pie before.
 * Player: Well it is an entirely new recipe, that was invented especially for you.
 * Rolo the Stout: To make up for not being able to make the pie I ordered?
 * Player: Yeah, sure. Why not?
 * Rolo the Stout: Well that's quite nice of you. Tell the chef I will only sue him slightly for not making what I ordered. And that if this pie tastes nice, then I might even pay him for it!
 * Player: Of course. And before I go....might I just say, thanks.
 * Rolo the Stout: Thanks? What for?
 * Player: You've just put my mind to rest about something I was feeling a tad guilty about. Never mind.
 * Rolo the Stout: Yes, yes, that's all very well and good. Now be on your way, you jabbering vassal. I have a pie to eat. A [pie name] eh? Let's see what it tastes like...
 * Player: Five...four...three...two...
 * Rolo the Stout: Blooooogh!
 * Info Box: WARNING: The sound effects only get worse from here.
 * Player: I have nerves of steel, I want to hear every detail!
 * Player: Hahahahahaha! Sounds like...
 * Rolo the Stout: Hurgleblurgleurgleurgle!
 * Player: Uh. Sounds like the pie...
 * Rolo the Stout: Bluuuuuuuuugh!
 * Player: ...
 * Rolo the Stout: Gasp...
 * Player: Ok then. Sounds like the pie has...
 * Rolo the Stout: Oh gods! There's more! Urgflubbbleubbleubbleubbleubble...
 * Player: I SAID...Sounds like the pie has done the trick.
 * Player: I should check back with Nails and let him know, while they cart Rolo away and clean up.
 * Player: I think I've had enough, thanks.

Nails Newton
After opening the chest near Kepple:
 * Nails: Well, Rolo certainly won't be causing any more trouble for a while.
 * Player: Yes. He's certainly not going to be on anything but infirmary food for a while either. I can only hope they manage to get the stains out of the ceiling...
 * Nails: Don't! Don't even talk about that. I'm still queasy from seeing what he did to the stairs as they called him out. They had to sluice them down with buckets and mops...terrible. But at least the stains are all gone now.
 * Player: So what do I need to do now?
 * Nails: Well, with Rolo out the way you can go and steal the seal from his chest. We'd best move fast, in case he decides to send for it when he comes round. Is there anything else you need to know?
 * Player: [Same options as above]
 * Info Box: You pick the lock on the chest and take the seal from the chest.
 * Player: I have the seal for you!
 * Nails: Great, let's get this letter stamped, and...
 * Info Box: Nails hands you a letter with a seal, with an emblem that you instantly recongnise.
 * Nails: Done! Now just take it to Pierre and we're home free Don't forget to come back and see me when you are done, ok?
 * Player: Right, will do!

Foppish Pierre

 * Player: Urgent message for you, sir.
 * Pierre: For me? Really? Maybe someone found my spices...
 * Player: It is from Rolo the Stout. I think he said it was something about opening the food stores.
 * Pierre: Don't joke around with me, you...you...messenger! Give me that note! What madness is this? He wants me to open the food store? For free? Is he demented?
 * Player: No, but he is your boss. So I guess that means you have to do it.
 * Pierre: I...I have to contact some people...leave me...leave me to my despair...
 * Player: Well that worked. I should go and tell Nails.

Nails Newton

 * Player: He bought it! He should be opening the stores any minute now.
 * Nails: Well, looks like we're done. I'll let the refugees know. We'll have a good old fashioned feast. And it's all thanks to you! We'll raise a glass or two to you tonight!
 * Player: No problem, and with Rolo out of the picture things should start to pick up as well.
 * Nails: There is that. Hopefully the food situation will improve, unless someone else muscles in on the racket.
 * Player: Well, if they do, we can always serve up another slice of piping hot justice!
 * Nails: Good point! But for now, let's celebrate!

Nails Newton
If you destroyed the expensive spices after you got it as a reward: If you already had the expensive spices in your bank or inventory:
 * Nails: I have that spice-pouch you took from Pierre. Here you should have it. It'll come in handy for making ya food more palatable.
 * Player: Thanks, Nails. How're things here?
 * [continues below]
 * Player: Hello Nails, how are things going?
 * Nails: Hello. They are going quite well now the food stores have been opened. I'm seeing a lot of well-fed people, instead of one disgustingly well-fed person. And they even managed to get the smell out of the upper floor, which is a bonus.
 * Player: Tell me about it. I think it was starting to bleach my hair.
 * Nails: Is there anything else you wanted to know?
 * Player: [Same options as above, except for an additional option:]
 * Player: Do you know what happened to Rolo?
 * Nails: They were going to take him to the infirmary, then they realised that it was a bit too serious. I mean, obviously, given his condition they couldn't heal him normally: by feeding him large amounts of food.
 * Player: So, did they cure him with magic?
 * Nails: Again, no. All the damage that Rolo had done to himself guzzling food meant it was too serious for that.
 * Player: You don't mean...he's dead?
 * Nails: No, no, he's still alive. But they had to take him to a specialist clinic. Apparently they have confined him to an iron bowel.
 * Player: A what? Iron bowel? What...how? I don't even... You know what? Time to change the subject I think.

Kepple

 * Kepple: I saw it. I saw all of it...
 * Player: Saw what?
 * Kepple: You don't know! You'll never know what I saw! The colours...all the colours...and sometimes NONE of the colours... The darkness came to me then...with the stench, it protected my mind. But the darkness is still there. The smell...The smell of it will never, ever fade...
 * Player: Well...isn't this a bit over the top from seeing Rolo get a little ill?
 * Kepple: A little ill? A little ill? The gods themselves wept tears of blood at the things he brought to light. Things that never should have been!
 * Player: I...see. Well, I'll leave you to your mind babbling now. Have fun!
 * Kepple: No! Don't leave me! It will come back for me!
 * Player: Bye! Going away now! Have fun!

Foppish Pierre

 * Pierre: Ruined! I'm Ruined!
 * Player: What's the matter?
 * Pierre: Don't interrupt my woe! Ahem... Ruined! Oh woe is me! First I lose my spices, and then that blubbery whale Rolo goes and gives away all the food I could've used to buy some more! I'm going to starve in the gutter: my clothes taken by footpads and my body heaped into a parper's grave!
 * Player: Oh come on, I'm sure things aren't that bad.
 * Pierre: Hmm, now you mention it. I know, I'll just stop paying my workers so much, and drop the quality of the goods I sell. If I keep firing people and charging through the roof for my wares I'll soon be back to normal!
 * Player: Uh...
 * Pierre: Thank you, uneducated and filthy stranger. You may have saved my life!
 * Player: You're...welcome.