Cold War/Transcript

A Research Expedition

 * Player: Hello. Do you need any help? I'm looking for a quest.
 * Larry: Are you working for them?
 * Player: Uh, I'm not sure. Who are they?
 * Larry: EXACTLY!
 * Player: Seriously, what are you talking about?
 * Larry: I think you can be trusted. What do you know about...
 * Larry: penguins?
 * Player: Uh... they live in the cold? That's about all.
 * Larry: Would you like to learn more about them? I'm conducting a, uh, research project to, uh, learn more about their social habits in their natural environment.
 * Player: What do you need my help for?
 * Larry: Well, I need to build a shelter to hide from view, and it's always useful to have an extra pair of eyes, you know, for, uh, observing... penguins. So, are you up for it?
 * Player: Okay, why not! But first, who are you and why are you researching penguins?
 * Larry: I, uh, was a zookeeper here. But, I, uh, am on leave to go research penguins in their native habitat.
 * Player: Oh! Okay then. So, what did you need me to do?
 * Larry: Right. I need you to gather materials for the bird hide, while I arrange for our transport. You need to get 10 oak planks, 10 steel nails, a hammer, and a spade so that we can build a bird hide. Once you have those, meet me up by the entrance to Keldagrim, east of Rellekka. I'll be there with a boat to take us to our destination.
 * Player: Right, oak planks, steel nails, hammer, spade, east of Rellekka. Got it.
 * Player: I don't think so.


 * Larry: Do you have all the items we need?
 * Player: Yes, I have them with me.
 * Larry: You have all the materials. Off to the iceberg!
 * Do you want to go to the iceberg?
 * Option 1: Yes.
 * Larry will say one of five phrases:
 * Larry: On the way I'll tell you the 42 ways penguins can torture you using a feather...
 * Larry: Did I ever tell you about this one time...
 * Larry: On the way I'll tell you how I learned to teleport. Well, this one time I got stuck in a wall...
 * Larry: On the way I'll tell you how I got this great rucksack. I had this paper hat lying around...
 * Larry: The trip can be rather tedious so I will regale you with stories of my duties at the Zoo. Every morning I had to scoop...
 * Option 2: No.
 * Player: What do I need to get?
 * You need a hammer.
 * You do not have enough oak planks/nails.
 * You need a hammer and do not have enough oak planks/nails.
 * You need a hammer and more oak planks and nails.
 * Player: Uh, no.

Building a Bird Hide

 * Player: So how do I make a bird hide?
 * Larry: Use the planks on the patch of snow on that ridge. Once you have that constructed, use the spade on the snow to cover the hide.

You create the bird hide structure.


 * Player: Okay, I've made the structure. Now what?
 * Larry: Not bad... now you need to cover the bird hide in snow with a spade.

You finish the bird hide.


 * Player: Right, well, the bird hide is done. Are we going to start observing?
 * Larry: Yes. Let's get in and start observing. You should note down anything interesting the penguins do. I'll include it in my, uh, research.

(Cutscene - two penguins meet each other and perform a series of emotes) (Cutscene end) Subsequent cutscenes:
 * Player: Can we start observing the penguins?
 * Larry: Yes. Let's get in and start observing. You should note down anything interesting the penguins do. I'll include it in my, uh, research.
 * Larry: Look, here come two penguins now.
 * Player: Aww, they're cute.
 * Larry: EVIL. I mean, how fascinating.
 * Larry: Looks like the penguins are on patrol again.
 * Player: They're just walking around, Larry.
 * Larry: They are organised! ORGANISED I tell you!

Larry's Plan

 * Larry: I knew it. I knew they were up to something! Did you see that? They were patrolling!
 * Player: That's crazy!
 * Larry: It isn't! They saluted and recognised each other. They're organised!
 * Player: It looked like one of them shivered and the other one just walked past. Nothing suspicious there, it is really cold here!
 * Larry: I don't care what you think. I know they are doing something. No one ever believes me. But I'll prove them wrong. ALL OF THEM.
 * Player: Okay, calm down. What do you think we should do now?
 * Player: It did seem rather suspicious.
 * Larry: You believe me?
 * Player: Of course! I mean, those penguins were acting quite strangely.
 * Larry: No one ever believes me. Can I... hug you?
 * Player: Whoa there. I don't think this calls for hugging. What do we do next about the penguins?
 * Larry: We need to get closer to the penguins. Infiltrate them. Learn what they are doing.
 * Player: How do you plan to do that?
 * Larry: We can't discuss it here; there are too many spies. Let's leave the iceberg and then I'll tell you my plans.


 * Larry: We must get away from here before we discuss our plans. We don't want to be overheard.


 * Player: How do you plan to infiltrate the penguins?
 * Larry: I have altered some designs of clockwork toys to make a clockwork penguin suit. We will use this to infiltrate their ranks.
 * Player: What? We'll just set it off walking? What good will that do?
 * Larry: No! I'm going to use a spell to shrink you down so you can control it from the inside.
 * Player: Wait a minute, why am I being shrunk? Why can't you get in the suit and annoy the penguins?
 * Larry: They penguins know my scent. They'd find me out and capture me and... torture me. No, it has to be you. Don't worry. The spell only works if I'm nearby since I have to be constantly casting it. If trouble starts I'll be close by to help.
 * Player: Gee, that's comforting.
 * Larry: Here's the book. It has my designs and a list of things you need to get. Use your Crafting table at your house to build it, just like regular clockwork toys.
 * Player: Why do I have to make the suit? I'm tired of doing all the legwork.
 * Larry: You have to make it, because since I got fired from the Zoo I've been homeless. Thanks for caring.
 * Player: Oh, sorry... Hey, you told me you were on leave to do research!
 * Larry: Well... it's permanent leave, and I am doing research! When I used to work at the Zoo, I noticed the penguins doing odd things, like taking notes or timing things. I asked to have my work detail transferred to their cage and I was fired! I'm sure the penguins are behind it. So I kept spying on them and I'll prove everyone wrong!
 * Player: So that's why you can't wear the suit? Because you used to work near them?
 * Larry: Err, no. I've had a few run-ins since then. But I don't have time for war stories, we need to concentrate on our mission! When you're done making the suit, we'll head back to the iceberg and try it out.


 * Larry: Do you have the suit?
 * Player: Yes, I have it.
 * Larry: That's perfect. You are a very skilled [craftsman/crafter]. Now we must return to the iceberg and test it.
 * Do you want to go to the iceberg?
 * Yes.
 * No.
 * Without the suit:
 * Larry: You don't seem to have the suit with you.
 * Player: I've lost the clockwork book, could I have another?
 * Larry: Well, lucky for you I did make another copy. But be more careful!
 * Carrying the book:
 * Larry: You haven't lost it, you just need to look for it more closely.
 * Player: I'm a bit confused. Can you explain how to make the suit?
 * Larry: You need 1 piece of silk, 1 clockwork mechanism, and 1 wood plank. The book will explain how to make the suit. But, since you seem too lazy to read it, I'll summarise. Take the materials to your house and use the Crafting table to make clockwork toys. From there you can make the suit.
 * Player: Okay, thanks.
 * Player: No, I'm not done yet.

Sabotage!

 * Player: The hide was destroyed. It's too damaged to rebuild, so we can't use it to observe the penguins any more.


 * Larry: Look what they did to the bird hide! It's completely destroyed! The savages. The penguins are on to us.
 * Player: I don't think it was the penguins. You can't even make out the prints clearly, it could have been anything.
 * Larry: Well of course you can't make out tracks. Penguins walk single file to hide their numbers! They're clever... so very clever.
 * Player: It looks like a warning message to keep us away. I didn't think penguins were violent by nature.
 * Larry: Oh, they act like they aren't, but it's all a guise. They wanted to scare us off. We must be on to something.
 * Player: Well, there aren't any penguins around now, so we can't try out the suit.
 * Larry: But we were so close to finding out exactly is going on. It's all ruined now. How will we ever infiltrate them if there are none around to infiltrate?
 * Player: There are other penguins. What about the ones at the Zoo? At least we can test the suit on them.
 * Larry: OF COURSE! You are brilliant. I should have thought of that. It's where all of this started. Let's return to the Zoo. I can teleport us back to the Zoo. It'll be faster.
 * Player: Then why the whole malarkey with the boat?
 * Larry: Boat rides lower my stress level.
 * Are you ready to go to the Zoo?
 * Option 1: Yes
 * Option 2: No

Suiting Up
You shrink and Larry puts you in the penguin suit.
 * Larry: After I put you in the suit, use the little gate in the enclosure to get inside. The zookeepers won't notice.
 * Player: Guess we should try this out. How do you know a shrinking spell, anyway?
 * Larry: Well, a while back I was out in the field observing penguins. I worked for the Ardougne Zoo then. I was just quietly observing them when suddenly there was an avalanche.
 * Player: Larry, you are one unlucky dude.
 * Larry: I'm not done! I was trapped, but a passing old man stopped to help. He said he would shrink me so I could crawl out from under the weight of the snow. Then he taught me the spell in case I would have need of it again.
 * Player: Seems like a pretty wise old man.
 * Larry: You see, that incident made me start suspecting the penguins, and my further work with them at the Zoo just confirmed it. I'm sure they got me fired. I know too much.
 * Player: Right, well we don't have all day. Time to be a penguin!
 * Larry: Okay, but remember, if you move too far away from me the spell will break and you'll be normal sized again. Also, if you need to switch back, just ask me and I'll unshrink you.
 * Player: Right, right. Let's just get this over with. Penguin time!

Prattle with a Penguin

 * Player: Squack! Quack, quackity squack, squee.
 * Penguin: ... What do you think you are doing?
 * Player: I'm, uh, speaking penguin, I think. WAIT. How come you can speak in the common tongue? You're a penguin!
 * Penguin: ...So are you. And you are speaking in the common tongue. So, what is your point?
 * Player: Oh, right. Yes, of course! Uh, I was just, uh, testing you. Making sure you're on your toes, claws, whatever.
 * Penguin: Operatives must not speak without giving the proper greeting. You have not given the proper greeting and until you do I have nothing more to say.
 * Player: I better try and get this greeting right.


 * Player: *Whew, that was right. Two more moves to do. If I get those right, he should speak to me.*


 * Player: *I just need to do one more move and I'll have gotten the greeting right.*


 * Penguin: Welcome, comrade. Now we may speak properly. What news do you bring? Have you made progress with the main directive?
 * Player: Uh, the main directive? Yeah... sure, I made progress with it. It was... easy?
 * Penguin: It was easy?! It was easy to learn how to FLY?
 * Player: Uh, yeah. I just kind of jumped off a hill and flapped a lot.
 * Penguin: You flapped a lot? I didn't think we could fly like other birds.
 * If the player has completed Between a Rock...
 * Player: I also launched myself out of a cannon!
 * Penguin: This caused you to fly... ingenious.
 * If the player has completed Enlightened Journey:
 * Player: Then I flew in a hot air balloon.
 * Penguin: A hot air balloon? This contraption made you fly?
 * Penguin:This is very amazing. I will make note of it in my mission report.
 * Player: Why is this so important? I mean, we're good swimmers, who cares if we can't fly?
 * Penguin: Who cares? It's the entire reason we are in this wretched cage! We need to learn the secret to flight, and the best way is to get these gullible humans to reveal it to us unwittingly. Blast them and their thumbs.
 * Player: You sound kind of bitter.
 * Penguin: Yes, I am. I'm tired of observing these humans and being gawked at by nasty little children. I miss the fresh codfish of our motherland.
 * Player: Anything I can do?
 * Penguin: You could take my mission report back to the outpost for me. I don't want to risk breaking out and blowing our cover. You should check in with the operatives in Lumbridge before you head to the outpost. They might have some news for you to take as well.

Informing Larry
(Attempting to talk to Larry while in the penguin suit) (Tuxedo-time!) The spell wears off as you climb out of the suit, growing back to normal size.
 * Larry: Don't talk to me while you're in the suit! It'll give away your cover. Here, I'll get you out of it.
 * Player: Okay, I'm ready to be big again! Please get me out of this.
 * Larry: All right, keep calm. One growth spurt coming up.


 * Player: The penguin gave me his mission report and told me to go to Lumbridge to speak to the penguins there and then go to 'the outpost'.
 * Larry: Lumbridge? There aren't any penguins in Lumbridge. Not that I've seen. Where is this 'outpost'?
 * Player: Maybe the penguins in Lumbridge are undercover? I didn't find out where their outpost is. I'm hoping the ones in Lumbridge will tell me. Seems kind of crazy that these penguins have mission reports and operatives.
 * Larry: They're organised little devils. Don't underestimate them. You go on ahead to Lumbridge. I'll meet you there and put you in the suit.
 * Player: They don't even have thumbs. How organised can they be?

First Impressions
(If you try talking to the disguised penguins before doing the secret handshake)
 * Player: So, we're in Lumbridge. Where are these penguins?
 * Larry: I was chatting with a local farmer, and there is a rumour about a 'thing' that lives here. Maybe it's the penguins, and these simple people don't recognise them.
 * Player: Hmm, I suppose.
 * Player: I should probably do the secret handshake before I try talking to these penguins.


 * Sheep: What do you think you are doing? You're going to blow our cover. Get away.
 * Player: But I gave the correct greeting. You have to talk to me.
 * Sheep: Every two-bit soldier knows that salute. We won't give you the time of day without the secret phrase. Now GO AWAY.
 * Player: But the penguins at the Zoo sent me. They spoke to me without some phrase.
 * Sheep: They are lazy, good for nothing, codfish addicts. GO AWAY.


 * Player: The Lumbridge penguins won't talk to me without some stupid secret phrase. These penguins are crazy!
 * Larry: No, I keep trying to tell you, they aren't crazy, they are dangerous and organised. Well, since the penguin at the Zoo is the only one talking to you, maybe you should ask him. I can teleport us back to the Zoo, but you'll have to make your own way back. Teleports tire me out.
 * Are you ready to go to the Zoo?
 * Option 1: Yes.
 * Option 2: No.


 * Penguin: Yes, comrade?
 * Player: The penguins in Lumbridge refuse to talk to me. They keep demanding a secret phrase.
 * Penguin: So, tell them the phrase. It's not exactly hard to remember. Pescaling Pax has a strange sense of humour.
 * Player: Pesca-what?
 * Penguin: Pescaling Pax. The Pescallion's son. Well, one of them. He's in charge of research and development at our headquarters.
 * Player: Oh, where all of the penguins... I mean us... live?
 * Penguin: Comrade! You really do have a funny sense of humour. No, our people live in the great city of Palingrad, of course. Ah, home, I miss it.
 * Player: You sound pretty homesick. Can't you go and visit Palingrad?
 * Penguin: If only. The Pescallion has declared that until we have finished our research of the southern species and have developed our great plan, we may not return. So I am stuck here observing humans.
 * Player: Gee, I sure would like to get back, too. If only you'd tell me the phrase, so I could get the other mission report and move on.
 * Penguin: How do you not know the phrase, comrade?
 * Player: Uh, I forgot what the phrase was.
 * Penguin: That was very careless of you, comrade. But it is your problem, not mine.
 * Player: I must have left the outpost before they gave out the phrase.
 * Penguin: No one left before it was given out. I was one of the first operatives to leave, and I know it.
 * Player: Is it Rumpelstiltskin?
 * Penguin: What? Comrade, I think you need your head examined when you get back.
 * Player: I need that phrase! Isn't there anything you can do?
 * (with raw cod)
 * Penguin: I see you have some raw cod with you, comrade. I might be willing to exchange information for it, if you are willing.
 * Player: Sure!
 * Penguin: Thank you comrade. This is like a taste of the motherland. The phrase is 'Do not trust the walrus.'
 * Player: Hmm, no I'll hang on to it.
 * (with Ring of Charos)
 * Penguin: As you are a comrade, I suppose it is my duty to help you. The phrase is 'Do not trust the walrus.'
 * Player: Where is the outpost?
 * Penguin: Haa haa haa, that is a funny joke. I like your sense of humour comrade. It would be like asking 'Where is the motherland'.
 * Player: You mean they aren't the same?
 * Penguin: Haa haa haa... oh you have me in stitches.


 * Player: I got the phrase! These penguins are so weird. It's something about a walrus.
 * Larry: You aren't taking this seriously! They are dangerous!
 * Player: Yeah, and organised. I know.
 * Larry: Oh, just go talk to the sheep.

Triple Agent

 * Player: Do not trust the walrus.
 * Sheep: Fine. What do you want?
 * Player: The penguin at the Zoo told me to see if you had any news.
 * Sheep: We can't get any news in this field! All these humans keep trying to shear us! We think the Farmer may be an agent for the other side, trying to have us assassinated by all these foolish humans. If you investigate him for us, we can finish our mission report and you can go on your way.
 * Player: You want me to disguise myself as a human and talk to the Farmer? Seems like a tough request. I'll only do it if you tell me how to get to the outpost.
 * Sheep: What do you mean 'How to get to the outpost'? Any intelligent penguin knows that.
 * Player: Are you calling me dumb? Fine. You can talk to the Farmer yourself, and compromise your mission.
 * Sheep: No, no, we'll tell you. You just deal with the Farmer.
 * Player: They want me to investigate Fred the Farmer.
 * Larry: As a penguin?
 * Player: No, as a human.
 * Larry: So, you'll be a human, pretending to be a penguin, pretending to be a human.
 * Player: Curiouser and curiouser.

Farmer Fred

 * Fred the Farmer: What are you doing on my land?
 * Player: I'm looking for something to kill.
 * Player: I'm lost.
 * Player: Fred! Fred! I've seen 'The Thing'!
 * Fred the Farmer: You...you actually saw it? Run for the hills! Player, grab as many chickens as you can! We have to...
 * Player: Fred!
 * Fred the Farmer: ...flee! Oh, woe is me! The shape-shifter is coming! We're all...
 * Player: FRED!
 * Fred the Farmer: ...doomed. What?
 * Player: It's not a shape-shifter or any other kind of monster.
 * Fred the Farmer: Well, what is it, [boy/girl]?
 * Player: Well, it's just two penguins...disguised as a sheep.
 * Fred the Farmer: ... Have you been out in the sun too long?
 * Player: I need to talk to you about penguins.
 * Fred the Farmer: About what now? What do penguins have to do with anything?
 * Player: Hey Fred! You've been messing with the wrong people. You better leave the penguins alone... OR ELSE!
 * Fred the Farmer: What are you shouting about? Don't you come into my house shouting at me.
 * Player: I mean it Fred, I don't know whose side you're working for, but assassinating the penguin operatives is going to get you in trouble. To think you'd even stoop to sending others to try and 'shear' them. Be careful, or you might find you've been shorn.
 * Fred the Farmer: Is this some kind of joke? I'm a SHEEP farmer. That means I need to shear sheep. What are these penguins you keep talking about?
 * Player: Don't play neutral with me, Fred. I see right through you. You're probably working for the squirrels, aren't you? I'll be watching Fred. I'm always watching.
 * Player: You know that 'Thing' out in your field? It's two penguins in disguise.
 * Fred the Farmer: Like I haven't heard that before.
 * Player: No, really, it is! They're trying to observe humans to learn our weaknesses.
 * Fred the Farmer: Then why are they disguised as sheep?
 * Player: They probably thought they'd blend in better. Anyway, I came to warn you to not annoy them too much. They're funny little guys but they seem to have a grudge against you.
 * Fred the Farmer: You talk to these penguins?
 * Player: Yes, I have a penguin suit and I know the secret greeting. I'm infiltrating them because this crazy guy Larry is convinced they are trying to take over the world or something.
 * Fred the Farmer: Look, when these voices in your head start talking to you again, you might want to ignore them.
 * Player: HEY! I'm not crazy! Larry's a little left of centre, but I'm just helping him out. The penguins really can talk.
 * Fred the Farmer: Right, right. I believe you, sure. Maybe on your way out you could ask the sheep to herd themselves for me.
 * Player: Fine. Don't believe me. Larry and I will prove you wrong. Just don't go near the penguins, Fred, not if you value your life.


 * Player: I talked to Fred the Farmer. I tried to warn him about the penguins, but he wouldn't believe me!
 * Larry: Now you know how it feels to be told you're crazy. Go tell the penguins about him.

Reporting Back

 * Sheep: Is the Farmer an agent for the other side?
 * Player: The Farmer is definitely an enemy. High ranking too. I think. He might even be the King of Lumbridge in disguise!
 * Sheep: King? I thought there was a duke, not a king.
 * Player: Well, that's why he's in disguise. Duh.
 * Sheep: This is an amazing revelation. We must include it in our report. Thank you, we'll mention your bravery.
 * Player: The Farmer is harmless. The sheep, however... now they seem pretty crafty.
 * Sheep: The sheep? But... They just wander around in the field all day. Trust us, we know.
 * Player: Exactly! So you don't suspect them! That's why they are so cunning. Watch your back.
 * Sheep: You have a good point. Yes, we must warn Pescaling Pax of this new threat. We'll put it in the report and you can give it to them.
 * Sheep: Well, off you go now!
 * Player: Hey, wait, you said you'd tell me where the outpost is!
 * Sheep: You are one clueless penguin. The outpost is the iceberg to the North. The entrance is concealed by what looks like an avalanche. When you try and go through a guard will stop you and ask for the password. The password is cabbage. Don't forget it.

Relaying the Info

 * Player: Haa haa, this is fun!
 * Larry: What? How?
 * (If you said Fred was an enemy)
 * Player: I just convinced them Fred the Farmer was the King of Lumbridge!
 * Larry: But there is no King of Lumbridge.
 * Player: Exactly! They are so gullible. Even if they are organised.
 * Larry: Don't take this so lightly. You might put Fred in danger because you were having a laugh.
 * Player: Sorry. It was just a bit of fun.
 * (If you said Fred was harmless)
 * Player: I just convinced the penguins that the sheep are agents for the other side.
 * Larry: They are?
 * Player: No! They're just sheep. But I wanted to confuse the penguins. Put them off our scent.
 * Larry: What a good plan! I just hope the sheep aren't working for the other side.
 * Player: Larry, we need to get you to hang out with people, not animals.
 * Player: I know where their outpost is! The entrance is on the iceberg. It's concealed by an avalanche.
 * Larry: Great. Let's go back to the iceberg. I'll put you in your suit and we'll really see what these penguins are up to.
 * Are you ready to go to the iceberg?
 * Option 1: Yes.
 * Option 2: No.

Gearing Up

 * Larry: Now you can try and enter the outpost. This is exciting.
 * Player: It's fun for you! You're not risking your neck.
 * Larry: But you don't think penguins are dangerous, anyway. So there's no danger is there? Or are you coming around to my thinking that they are dangerous?
 * Player: No.... I mean.... Yes. Oh never mind. Just do the spell. Wait, won't the spell wear off once I'm inside? You'll be too far away.
 * Larry: Oh, no. The ice magnifies the spell, so it will allow you to go greater distances.

Entry Prohibited
(Attempting to speak to the KGP Agent before performing the greeting)
 * Player: This guy looks official. I'd better do the greeting before I speak to him.


 * KGP Agent: Password?
 * Player: Cabbage.
 * KGP Agent: Let's see your ID and you can go through.
 * Player: ID? No one told me anything about ID.
 * KGP Agent: No ID, no entry!


 * KGP Agent: Don't stand around, agent. You look absurd.


 * Player: It's just a pile of snow.

Noodle
After talking to the KGP Agent:
 * Noodle: The feds are everywhere!
 * Noodle: Oi, mate, 'u innerested i' sum 'wares?
 * Player: Uh... maybe?
 * Noodle: I go' me sum hot 'wares, mate. Wotcha need?
 * Player: Well, I've misplaced me, I mean my, ID card.
 * Noodle: Ah, frisky nigh' on leave, eh? Betcha furgo' yur missin repor' 'oo.
 * Player: Yeah, my missin repor'. I think I need one of them too.
 * Noodle: Well, amte. 'U scratch me back, I stab urs, right?
 * Player: What? No, no stabbing.
 * Noodle: I men' in a good way. I wan' sumpin in exy-change. Ima in need of sum swamp tur.
 * Player: Tur? Do you mean tar?
 * Noodle: Thas wha' I sed, innit? I need sum feathers 'oo. Foive of 'em.
 * Player: So, you need swamp tar and five feathers. Will chicken feathers do?
 * Noodle: Yea, begreat. Then I'll guv yea 'ur stuff.


 * Noodle: Yuv go' the stuff?
 * Player: Yeah, I got it.
 * Noodle: Oi, cheers. 'Ers 'ur stuff, now git outta 'ere.
 * Without the items:
 * Noodle: Whers me swamp tur 'n feathers, mate?
 * Player: What did you need?
 * Noodle: I need swamp tur and foive feathers, mate.
 * Player: Never mind.
 * Dialogue ends.
 * Player: Tell me about this black market you run. Seems kind of risky.
 * Noodle: Nah ain't risky. Bu' I dun run it. Me bruva, Alfredo, does. E runs the Fettuccine Mafia.
 * Player: Riiiight. Fettuccine Mafia. I'll remember that.


 * KGP Agent: Let's see your ID and you can go through. All right, you can go in. The entrance is hidden under that avalanche. Once inside, go into the room on the left. You'll be debriefed there. No dawdling!

You enter the secret lair

KGP Agent guarding large doors

 * Player: So what's your job?
 * KGP Agent: What do you think, feather-brains? I am the guard for this door. I also arrest those bards, occasionally. They are a public nuisance.

Debriefing

 * KGP Agent: Welcome back agent....
 * (If your character is male)
 * KGP Agent: Peach? But, aren't you... male?
 * Player: It was either that or Pear.
 * KGP Agent: Ah. Of course.
 * (If your character is female)
 * KGP Agent: Pablo? But, aren't you... female?
 * Player: Hippie parents, sir. They had weird ideas about names.
 * KGP Agent: So you have just returned from your mission?
 * Player: Yes, and I have my mission report. I also have the mission reports from the operatives ion the Ardougne Zoo and the Lumbridge sheep field.
 * KGP Agent: How very industrious of you, agent. Please hand them over. Hmm, these reports are... intriguing. It says here you jumped off a hill and flew? Without assistance?
 * Player: Oh yeah. It was amazing. You know, I just... flapped. Really fast.
 * KGP Agent: Hmm, we shall have to research this.
 * If the player has completed Between a Rock...
 * KGP Agent: Did you really get launched out of a cannon? It seems quite risky.
 * Player: It wasn't too bad. I was wearing a helmet at the time.
 * KGP Agent: This could be very useful during battle.
 * If the player has completed Enlightened Journey
 * KGP Agent: You flew in a 'hot air balloon'? What is that exactly?
 * Player: Well, it was a sack of cloth with a basket attached to the bottom and when you filled it with hot air it went up.
 * KGP Agent: Fascinating. Well done agent.
 * KGP Agent: I am satisfied with your reports. You just need to complete a physical and you will be free to roam at your leisure.
 * Player: A physical? What, are they going to examine my body?
 * KGP Agent: Oh, no. It's an agility course to make sure you're still fit and able to serve. Don't worry, I'm sure you won't have any difficulty getting through it. Just go through the door at the end of the room.

Agility Course

 * Player: All those penguins, what are they doing?
 * Army Commander: Ah, they are doing drills! Getting ready for the invasion. What a glorious day that will be!
 * Player: Invasion? Of...
 * Army Commander: Yes, yes, I know we all get excited. But, I need you to get out of the way. Move along!


 * Agility Instructor: Well done soldier! You've successfully completed the physical. You're free to do as you like.
 * Player: What do I do now?
 * Agility Instructor: Just go through the gate in the fence and use the same door you came out of. You can come back whenever you like to tone up your body.

The Next Step

 * Player: Larry, you were right! There's an entire army of them, and they're drilling and... Larry, they're ORGANISED!
 * Larry: That's what I have been saying from the start! But an entire army? This is just an outpost, so it can't be an entire army.
 * Player: I know what I saw! They were doing drills and everything.
 * Larry: Still, it must only be an invasion party. The main force is on... well, it doesn't matter right now. I've been doing some research of my own, and I think I know what our next step should be. There's a secret room, deep in the glacier. I think that is where they are making their war plans.
 * Player: War plans! Who are they going to war with?
 * Larry: With us, you dolt! They are trying to take over the world. Have you not grasped this yet? You need to find that room. Our future depends on it.
 * Player: Where could the room be?
 * Larry: It's probably the most well-guarded room in the place. You'll need to find a way to get into it without arousing suspicion.
 * Player: That's a pretty tall order.

Penguin Bards

 * Player: You look like knowledgeable... penguins. What's through those doors at the end of this hall?
 * Pong: Hey man, don't stress. Those doors open new worlds, man. Like, new rooms too.
 * Player: Yes, well, I would like to know what rooms.
 * Ping: Like, the War Room and stuff like that, dude. Wicked stuff. Too bad only 'the man' gets to go through.
 * Player: Humans can go through?
 * Pong: No, man. He just means the authority. The MAN, you know?
 * Player: Who are you? You don't really look like KGP agents.
 * Ping: Dude, we are bards. We sing of the glories of the common penguin. We are also supposed to record history, but man, it is so HIS story. Like, the MAN's story.
 * Player: Penguins have bards?
 * Ping: Totally, dude. You want to hear one of our songs?
 * Player: Sure, I haven't got anything to lose, except my eardrums.
 * Pong: Well, like, we can't play it in THIS now. Maybe at a later now. WE don't have any instruments to accompany our great song.
 * Player: But this room is filled with instruments.
 * Pong: Yeah man, but they come from the south, where humans have thumbs to play them with. We don't have thumbs. Also, the Pescaling had our old ones confiscated for being too loud.
 * Player: Way harsh, man.
 * Ping: But dude, I was reading, and there are instruments we could play. I read about one called bongos. They just need to be hit.
 * Pong: But we need two instruments, man, Like, to make it harmonious with the vibes.
 * Player: What about a cowbell? You don't need thumbs for that.
 * Pong: Righteous man. So you'll get a cowbell and bongos for us and we'll rock out. We'll be so harmonious, no Pescallion could complain.
 * Player: Wait, why am I getting these instruments?
 * Pong: Because your aura says you should.

Follow your Aura

 * Player: I think I have a lead. These two penguin bards seem to know a lot of the history of the iceberg. I think they might know a way into the War Room.
 * Larry: Bards? They have bards?
 * Player: Yeah, that's what I said. Where would I get a cowbell or a set of bongos?
 * Larry: I'm not even going to ask why. I think dairy cows have bells, you could steal one from it. Bongos... I suppose you could make them? Mahogany is good for bending, and then just use soft leather for the drum.
 * Larry: Good plan, Larry.

Cowbell Concert

 * Pong: Man, did you bring the instruments to us?
 * Player: What did I need to get you?
 * Pong: We want a cowbell and a set of bongos.
 * Player: Yes.
 * Pong: Dude, good job on the instruments. Just let us set up and we'll get going.
 * (Cutscene)
 * Pong: And a 1 and a 2 and a 3...
 * Ping: Wait, wait. It needs more cowbell.
 * Pong: You're right, man. Let's try this again! There once was a Pescallion, who travelled in a galleon.
 * Ping: Our Pescallion went exploring and found this iceberg.
 * Pong: He travelled the world, until his toes curled.
 * Ping: Upon an iceberg he came, and our lives were never the same.
 * Pong: As an outpost it was approved, so here our people moved.
 * Ping: To grow and learn, though our hearts did yearn...
 * Pong: For the motherland.
 * Ping: Deep inside the 'berg lay a threat, but don't fret!
 * Pong: For Pescaling Pax trapped those monsters behind a gate, but let's hope they don't mate. Now we have no fear. But shed a small tear for the motherland.
 * KGP Agent: All right, that's enough racket! Shut those instruments up or I'm throwing you in solitary! I don't care if your vibes are harmonious!
 * Player: Now might be a good time for me to slip out and get through those doors...
 * (Cutscene Ends)
 * Player: No.


 * Player: Sounds like Ping and Pong are getting arrested. I better not get involved.

Captured!
You are caught

(Cutscene) (Cutscene Ends)
 * Pescaling Pax: And we'll move this little penguin here... and KABLOOM! Heee hee. It appears we have a visitor! Haa haa! I am glad we installed that anti-magic security. What have we here? What an ingenious little device. This will solve all our problems. Scientists! Come examine this; we have much work to do.
 * Player: What about me?
 * Pescaling Pax: Hmm, take that human to the Ice Lords. They'll enjoy the exercise.

You escape back to the surface.

Preparing for Action
(Cutscene plays, showing a panoramic view of a giant robot penguin of some sort under construction)
 * Larry: You're safe! I was really worried for a while there. What happened?
 * Player: Ice Lord... hit me... ow...
 * Larry: Yes, yes, you're very brave. I mean what happened in the War Room?
 * Player: Pescaling Pax was there, and he forced me out of the suit and threw me into a cage with the Ice Lords!
 * Larry: But what was IN the War Room?
 * Player: There was a map of the world and a lot of little penguin figures.
 * Larry: YES! I knew it! I said I'd prove them all wrong. They are organised and invading. OH YEAH, Larry was right. Who was right? Larry was!
 * Player: LARRY! We've just uncovered a plot that could destroy everything we hold dear. Don't you think we should focus on stopping them?
 * Larry: You are such a buzz kill.
 * Player: We need to plan our next move, but now they know both our scents and might come after us!
 * Larry: No, they only know mine. That agility course really stank up the suit and seems to have covered your scent. You might want to consider bathing soon. As for our next move, I've got... friends... elsewhere who should hear of this information, but we have plenty of time. It's not as though they made a break through in their research or something.